Perfect.

So while I was outside, I was thinking about how Ali had said that her life wasn't perfect like mine.
And how I'd said my life isn't perfect.
I mean, I know that compared to hers you could say my life is perfect.
And considering the amount of time Ali's known me, she's never really seen the part of my life that's been rough.
I'll admit, as much as I hate how much my mom worrys about me, as much as I hate how my dad can be so set in his ways, as much as I hate how every mistake my brother has made is another mistake I'm being told I can't make. As much as I complain about all those things. My family is a pretty awesome family.
There are a lot of times that I have to remind myself that I have no right to complain.
At least I have a mom who loves me enough to worry.
At least I have a dad who's always been in my life.
As least I have a brother who'd do anything to make things right.

Sure, the majority of my family sucks.
But at least the people I deal with almost every day are good people.
So a lot of people could say my family is perfect.
Because even with all the arguements, even with all the times I've honestly thought my parents were going to get a divorce, even all the times I've literally cried in the same room with them and they've never noticed, even after all the worry that my brother was going to be in prison most of his life, even with all the secerts that kept from each other until everythings alright again, even with all of those things. I still know that my family loves me, I still know that they're here for me.

So, okay.
Yeah, I guess if your only thinking about my family then yeah, my life is pretty damn close to being perfect.
But it's the other aspects of my life that make me sit here and be like. "My life isn't perfect, but I'll admit. Compared to a lot of people's lives it is perfect."

Most people will agree, that it's the things in your past that make you who you are today.
I don't know how many times in the past couple of years I've been accused of not understanding what someone's going through just because my family has money.
But my family hasn't always been this way.
Most of my life we lived from paycheck to paycheck.
I suppose that's one reason I told Ali, I wouldn't understand...that I don't understand when she leaves to go shopping.

Don't get me wrong, I love shopping as much as the next girl.
But I've been raised in such a way, that we only go shopping when we need something.
Even now, even when my dad makes more money than he ever has before.
We rarely ever just going shopping for the hell of it.
My whole life it's been. "Okay, winter's coming up. Do you have enough winter clothes that fit?"
If the answer was no, we went shopping to get what we needed. If the answer was yes, we didn't buy anything. We made due with what we had.
Or in some cases it was "We're taking this trip, here's what your going to need [insert objects here]. Do you have all these things? Do they fit? Are they in good enough condition that you won't freeze? Are they in good enough condition that they won't be showing more skin than what their covering?"
If the answer was no to any of these things than we went to get what we needed.
Even now that's usually how it is.
Like the last time we went shopping, I knew exactly what I needed, I knew exactly what I could use but I didn't have to have and I knew what I wanted but I didn't need it at all.
I bought what I needed.
I guess that's why I don't understand why Ali and Gowri go shopping as much as they do.
Because to me, shopping's a thing we do maybe six times a year.
We buy exactly what we need, sometimes we'll get something we want.
And like...when we used to go shopping it was like Walmart only.
And then a year or so after my dad started his own business it got to where we'd get a couple of things at JCPenneys and the rest at walmart and then slowly, very slowly we got to where we bought more and more at Penney's and less at walmart and then we got to where we didn't buy clothes at walmart unless they had something we thought was really cute.
And then in the past year or so we got to where we started buying at other stores like Belk, Wet Seal, Hot Topic, Victoria Secert, Dillards, Macys, etc.
So like...I know it's strange.
Most people can never see me as that girl.
Most people can't see me as the eight year who ran around barefoot with holes in my jeans, and an old t-shirt on that used to belong to my brother when he was my age.
No one seems to see the girl who understands what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck.

No one sees the girl who regrets that her parents got her ballet classes because she now realizes how hard her father worked so that he could pay for her to go. As much as I enjoyed ballet, a part of me wishes I'd never taken it because we could have used that money for something different, for something more important.
Like right no, most people won't believe me when I say I'm crying, I've literally got tears running down my cheeks and my vision is somewhat blurry.
No one seems to see the girl who was pushed off a trampoline when she was younger by people she thought were her friends at the time, the girl who's had rocks thrown at her when she passed by, the girl who had her heart broken by her BFF's at the time who decided to break into her house and destory a bunch of stuff she'd worked hard to buy.

Very few people actually see that girl.
See the girl who can literally burst into tears because she can't understand something that someone is teaching her.
See the girl who's a giver not a taker.
Who loves freely and trusts too easily.


So my life is a balancing act.
It's like I'm on this rope high above all my friends, my family, my ex-friends, and above all these other people.
On one side of the rope is the people that Gowri and several other people are always saying I shouldn't worry about because their constantly hurting me, that I shouldn't trust because they take that trust for granted. The people that no one would blame me if I was more of a taker around them than a giver.
And on the other side are the people who don't hurt me and if they do they honestly didn't mean to, the people who I can relie on, the ones that I can honestly trust. The one's that I want to be a giver around.
But you see, I keep falling off this rope. I fall, and fall and continue to get right back up and try again.

Like last night when I fought with Ali, I fell again.
I was a taker and not a giver.
I totally failed.
Even as I said those cruel words to her I didn't honestly believe them I was just...upset.
And I know that's not an excuse.
I just...I don't know how to explain it.
But that whole arguement seems so surreal to me.
Almost like I dreamed it all.
I really wish I had.
At least then I could block out all the words I'd said and just blog about a horrible nightmare that invovled me and Ali fighting.
Strange how I'd rather have a nightmare than to actually fight with Ali.
But, while I was in the attic was thinking about why I didn't make any comment about her feelings last night.
And....
Gah, my mind is totally chaos at the moment.
I seriously cannot think of what I was going to say.
And now I'm getting a headach and....


Ali, I'm really, really sorry.
I'm sorry that I keep pushing you closer to the edge.
I'm sorry that I'm not on MSN right now.
I don't even know if your online right now.
But I'm just...I'm not ready to face you.
I'm not ready to face the wrathe that is my cute wife.


So, I'll probably blog again later today, I don't know though.



XOXO,
Dollface.