So last night while I was in the shower I was thinking about how the day before Joe's Memorial service I'd told Channing that I didn't see the point in getting friends to help keep me sane and stuff because I said some part of me realizes that even if I do, it won't be the help I want.
That is not to say that I do not want my friends help.
It's just that sometimes you reach a problem in life or a point in life when the help you want changes.
While up until that point you were perfectly content with crying on a friends shoulder.
Once you hit this point your feelings change.
You still love your friends to death.
You still know they'll be there when you need them.
But sometimes you don't literally need them.
Sometimes you need someone else.
Like you still need them but....things change.
Like....gah, I know this is totally confusing to you guys.
It's even confusing me.
Because I'm not explaining how I would like to because I'm not sure how to explain it the way I want it explained.
So lets try this again.
The quote I have for the title of my blog is taken from Eclipse.
Edward says the line after Bella says how she wasn't going to be the girl who got married right after High school.
(You'd have to read the Twilight Saga to understand)
Anyways.
The help I wanted, the shoulder I wanted to have avalible for me to cry on, the person whose arms I wanted to cry myself to sleep in.
Was not the help of a friend.
Was not the shoulder of a friend.
Nor was it the arms of a friend that I longed for.
Had, I had it my way.
It would have been the help of a lover who kept me sane during a time when I would have quite enjoyed just losing myself in the sorrow I felt.
Maybe enjoyed is the wrong word.
But for once in my life I was no afraid of the pain.
I was willing to be in pain.
Because the world had lost a great man.
You see, I've always been that girl.
That girl who's a hopeless romantic.
That girl who blushs at the idea of a big wedding.
That girl who's never been girly but always loved playing the part of the princess.
That girl who honestly hates the idea of never finding the guy that completes her.
That girl who knows she's going to bawl her eyes out if she ever gets married when it's time to say good-bye to her father.
That girl who's a daddy's girl.
That girl who can be totally immature and emotional.
That girl who sometimes thinks she was born in the wrong time frame.
That girl who doesn't want kids.
That girl who has almost always dreamed of finding that guy who's touch she could not live without.
That's me.
And what I really wanted that day I found out Joe had died was for that guy from my imagination to show up and see me on the verge of tears and take the computer from me, set it aside, pull me into his arms and would just tell me it was okay to cry.
What I wanted was for that guy who wouldn't mind me crying on his shoulder, who'd think I was being silly by apologizing and getting all embarressed because he saw me crying, who'd stay up all night while I cried and not even think twice about having something to do in the morning because all he cared about was that I was okay.
Okay, so yeah.
Channing, your probably going to read this and be like "I could be that guy" or "I am that guy."
And you may be that guy, Channing.
But you are not that guy to me.
And as I thought of all of this in the shower last night a memory popped into my head. One of those memories that I'm surprised I remember since it happened right around the time me and Tyler broke up.
I was at youth group, it was the wednesday after the superbowl. Me, Zach and Jovan were the only people out of about twenty-two in youth group who supported the Patriots.
And Tobin who was thrilled beyond belief that the Giant's had won was taunting and picking on Zach about how bad his team had lost and such.
I don't remember what was said as I stood about five or so feet from the two of them.
I don't remember exactly what Tobin said for Zach to get that look in his eyes and for his fists to ball up at his sides but I remember the look on Zach's face as Tobin laughed and headed over to the pool table that was across the room.
What surprises me was how many things went through my mind during the five seconds it took for me to act.
I remember out of the corner of my eye seeing Tobin's laughing face because what I was focused on was Zach's face.
The way his eyes went from trying to remain calm to suddenly trying to decide if the trouble he'd get into for punching Tobin would be worth it.
I saw how the side that thought the trouble was worth it was winning.
In the back of my mind I saw how easily Zach could have crossed the room and got a punch or two in before anyone had any real time to react.
While I watched his body tense up, I remember in my mind I was thinking about the outcome of a fight, what the bast case cenerio was and the worst. I could easily see that it would take a lot to stop him now that he was so pissed. Some part of me acknogled that no one else seemed to realize how serious the look on his face was. Some part of me acknogled that no one else would be brave enough to try to calm him down while his fists were clenching and unclenching and without thinking I'd crossed the few feet between us and wrapped my arms around him.
I don't remember if I said anything.
I don't remember who'd gasped in surpise.
I don't remember how long the hug lasted.
I don't remember if Jovan was there that night or not.
I don't remember being scared that he'd hurt me if I tried to calm him down.
I don't remember worrying what everyone else would think.
But I do remember was the look on his face, the look in his eyes.
The look that I know so very well.
A look that I've worn so many times before.
A look my mother and father have worn.
A look my brother has worn.
It was that look that told me that if someone didn't do something there would be blood spilled.
I don't really remember why I'd finally stopped hugging him.
But some part of me remembers that I'd felt his tense body relax and only a couple of seconds after I'd felt him relax I'd let him go.
Because I knew the threat was over, for now at least.
I remember when I pulled back and half smiled at him.
His face was slightly comfused like he didn't remember what had happened.
I don't even know if realized I'd be the one hugging him.
If he'd even realized that anyone had hugged him at all.
I remember turning to my left and seeing Amy half reaching out towards me like she was going to pull away from Zach, like maybe she'd seen that look and thought he'd hurt me to get to Tobin.
I remember seeing the look of surprise on the other girls faces.
I remember smiling, raising an eyebrow and saying "What?"
I remember Sarah half-smiling at me even though it was appearent she'd been surprised too.
I don't know if the guys by the pool table saw what happen.
I don't know if Crystal and Tony knew what was going on.
All I know was that he'd calmed down while I hugged him and no one was going to the hospital, the cops weren't going to be called, there wouldn't be restraining orders put into place.
Mom and I both agree that some part of his mind registered that he was being hugged.
But mom thinks the only reason he calmed down was because it was me hugging him.
Her opinion is that he liked me and my touch made him relax, made him think more clearly.
But I have my doubts.
There's a part of me that wonders if one of the other girls had hugged him right then, would he have had the same reaction?.
Or would he have made them let him go so that he could have a go at Tobin?.
Which brings me to something I didn't blog about on November 2nd.
On November 2nd, after church while we were still in the process of picking up the halloween games, there was hardly anyone left in the kitchen and the majority that were there were in other parts of the building and I had walked over to Zach with one arm half way up and I'd smiled nervously and said "Hey Zach, can I have a hug?"
See, I'd always questioned if before he'd only let me hug him because people were around and he couldn't blow me off.
But right then me and him and only one other person was around.
Right then I wish I could have read his mind.
Because he gave me a strange look.
A look that was almost confused before he smirked and held out his arm to me and said. "You may."
And we'd hugged, I smiled and I walked away, returning to the work that still needed to be done.
Yeah, I don't know why I blogged all of that other than the fact that I just felt like it.
So yeah, I've always been a hopeless romantic.
The help I wanted was the help I would not get.
I still don't think it's likely I'll ever get married but my mom begs to differ.
I just don't see how any guy could ever truly love me for me.
I'm a complicated person.
I don't see a guy being able to take the time to understand me.
Oh believe me I want that guy.
That guy who'll complete me, that guy who's like my soulmate.
I just don't know what it's going to take to find him.
XOXO,
Dollface.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment