"Goodbye, my hopeless dream"

Mom woke me up at 7 AM.
All I wanted to do was curl back up, because I was so warm under the covers.
But I knew I had to get out of bed.
I realized I had a headach as I made my way over to my CD player.
So I was automatically in a bad mood.
I hardly got any sleep last night even though I was dead tired.
Went to church.
Nearly fell asleep every time I blinked.
I ate a decent amount at lunch and then we went into San Antonio.
On the drive there I fell asleep for like ten or fifthteen.
Bass pro shop was pretty boring, which is odd."
I started feeling sick while we were there.
But I started feeling better after we left the store.
We drove over to the mall and did some looking around.
We made some plans to go christmas shopping in a little over a week.
Went to Spencers.
I got a Twilight poster and got Tyler's christmas gift.
And there was this one guy in there.
Who was really, really hott.
Like, Taylor hott.
He was native american too.
And he was probably 18 or 19.
And like we kept bumping into each other.
And this one time I was trying to get past him and he turned around and his hand accidently brushed against my ass.
And I think I giggled when he apologized for bumping into me and I was just like "It's okay."
I didn't get to talk to him though, cause dad was there.
So I'm hoping when we go back for christmas shopping that he'll be there.
But like I seriously needed that.
Because I kept seeing guys with pale skin and brown hair and most of them had girlfriends, so it just kept making me think of Aaron.
Which hurt.
And then I saw him and it was like BAM!
I felt better.
I think it's because he has an awesome smile.
And smiles are contagious.
Either way,
I really, really needed that.
So then we went to Sams club.
And I was okay until we went to check out.
We got the same guy that we've gotten like everytime we've gone in there for the past six months.
And I used to not mind seeing him.
But today, it was just like. "F*ck, go away."
Because he's a cross between my cousin Kenneth and Aaron.
But he looks a bit more like Aaron than Kenneth.
It never used to bother me.
And maybe in another two or three months, it won't bother me anymore.
But today, I didn't need that.
I needed to see new people.
People who smiled.
So I slept a little bit on the way home.
Now I'm sitting in bed.
Talking to my sick wife.
Listening to the playlist I put together last night with her help.
Just kinda....chilling out.
I know, I'll be okay.
I know that someday, this won't hurt.

But right now, I'm just kinda....
Not me.
Not happy.
Not pissed.
I'm just someone who's lost.
But I'll find my way again.
It won't be so hard.
I mean, it's not like this is a surprise.
I always knew the day would come.
I always knew my dreams of him were just that, dreams.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. The blog before this is a quote from Breaking Dawn, and the quote in the title of this blog is from the song "Almost Lover" - A fine frenzy.