Christmas Concert.

Didn't sleep worth a flip last night.
Probably got like...four hours of sleep.
About to go to work at my bro's house.
We're going to Pastor Del's christmas concert tonight.
Christina and her parents might be coming.
Um...
Thinking about taking a nap on the way there tonight.
Depends on what happens today though.
And I suppose that's all I've got to say.
I love y'all.



XOXO,
Dollface.

New Blog

Like I said.
Still keeping this blog.
But I wanted a new one that I could be really, really creative with.
http://www.flamesinspiration.blogspot.com/
Flame is a nickname I've received due to the band I'm in.
Thinking about teaching Gowri how to use a BB gun if she was serious about wanting to learn.
Also toying with the idea of taking Charlie outside and teaching him how to use on before it gets dark.
So yeah....
If I do that then I'll BRB for like twenty minutes and then come back.
Hmmm...
I think I might.
LOL.

Oh and Tany was really cute.
"Gowri says:
k
pat brown thinks you should get well soon"

She said that to my wifey(her mother)
Cause my wifey is sick.
*Sniffles*
It makes me sad when one of them are sick.
Because I'm too far away to do anything.
I might blog more later....Maybe.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Art, Fashion, Music, Movies.

I've decided to make another blog that'll be purely based on things like Fashion, Music, Movies and Art.
Simply because my creative side is screaming for a blog like that.
And I want to keep this blog the way it is.
This blog is more along the lines of my own personal diary.
The one thing different is that anyone can read this.
And I'm okay with that.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I'll post a link to this new blog after I finish making it.

Pics/Icons

Just a bunch of pictures that I use as icons that I made.
The first three are lyrics from songs I listen to.
The fourth one is lyrics from a song I wrote.
And the last one is some special I made for my wifey.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I'll probably get bored later and make more. Lol.

Limits.

Everyone has them.
So why is it so surprising that I have them?.
And that I've reached them?.
Hell, I've probably passed them.
I'm jittery now.
Nervous almost.
Or maybe anxious is the right word.
I don't know.
I don't care.
There's the problem.

I've reached my limits and I just don't care.
I keep looking around.
Like I'm expecting something.
I almost feel like crying.
But then I don't.
I'm so sick of this.
So sick of my greatest asset being my greatest weakness.
I'm too trusting and it's always been my greatest weakness.
Right along with how kind and caring I am, all three of those things are my greatest weakness.
And my ability to be kind and caring is probably my greatest asset.
I'm so sick of it being a blessing and a curse.

I'm on edge.
I feel like a cat on a hot tin roof.
I'm jumpy.
I keep shifting my weight.
I don't seem to be comfortible no matter what position I'm in.
I'm trying to find a distraction.
So far no luck.
I don't have enough roleplays going on to stay distracted.
I'm just...
I'm confused, I'm jumpy, I'm jittery, I'm annoyed, and yet I don't care.
Like I care.
But then I don't.
I just...
Gah.
I hate this.

Can't anyone help me?.


XOXO,
Dollface.

"But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know."

New playlist.

1. "Die Tonight, Live Forever." - Innerpartysystem
2. "Unbeautiful." - Lesley Roy
3. "I Feel Better" - Frightened Rabbit
4. "New Poetry." - Innerpartysystem
5. "Love Remains The Same" - Gavin Rossdale
6. "Slow Dancing In A Burning Room" - John Mayer
7. "One Last Breath" - Creed
8. "Let It Rock" - Kevin Rudolph
9. "Angels On The Moon" - Thriving Ivory
10. "Straightjacket Feeling" - The All-American Rejects

Finally just sat down and finished the list.
Title of the blog is lyrics from the song "Angels On The Moon"
I admit that some of those songs on there don't really apply to my sitation, but they fit the mood I'm in.
And sometimes it's just one line in one of those songs that makes me put it on the list.
Sometimes it's much more than that.
It just varies.
I know number 8 doesn't really work, but I love the chorus and the first two verses are pretty good.
Um.
I think I'm gonna post those pics/icons I made in a minute.


XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. About to post another blog about how I've reached my effing limits.

Craigslist.

Went to get our hair done today.
I'm feeling pretty good now that all those dead ends are gone.
We decided to just walk around the mall.
Saw two really cute guys in Belk.
And I couldn't tell if they were checking me out or not, because I was trying to check them out without staring.
But mom was a few feet behind me, trying really, really hard not to laugh.
Because appearently the guys were trying to check me out without staring too, so they were looking at me out of the corner of their eyes.
Mom thought it was hilarious.
I was just shocked they were checking me out.
Um....
OH.
Funny dream last night.

I dreamed that my parents set me up on a blinddate, and on the way to the guys house, this is how the converstation went:
Me: "Do I have to go out with him?."
Mom: "Well, I suppose you don't have too. There was a lot of other guys interested."
Me: "Where'd you find all these people?"
Dad: "Craigslist."
Me: *Jaw drops*
Mom: "We made you this profile thing on there, and this guy...well his family, contacted us within fives minutes after it was posted."

Needless to say the me in the dream was like "WTF."
While the real life me is laughing my ass off because it was so funny.

"Where'd you find all these people?"
"Craigslist."

I mean seriously, isn't that funny?.
I dunno.
It was weird.
Like everything about the dream was either weird/funny.
Lets see.
The tempiture today has been anywhere from 27 Degrees (F) to 34 Degrees (F)
So yeah, pretty damn cold people.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. Also, I made a bunch of icons/pictures last night, but there on the other computer so I'll post them as soon as the WIFI starts working.

I almost cried!

Got up, went to church.
Organized the storage/office thingy in the nursery.
Helped clean up the whip cream from the game we played.
Cleaned the girls bathroom.
Went to...uh....Cici's Pizza f0r lunch.
Walked to Payless, mom bought boots and got heels for Penny to go with the dress we got her for christmas.
I found a really cute pair of black heels.
Dad wouldn't let me get them since I got that cut on my foot, cause like since it's there and it hurt to wear the heels a little, he wants to make sure that they won't hurt my feet when my feet aren't already hurt.
So we'll go back in a week or so to try 'em on again.
Went to walmart.
Bought my brother some jeans for christmas and got a case for the new camera.
(HAHA, DID I MENTION I READ ALI'S MIND?!)
Talked my parents into dropping me off at the theater for the performing arts for this christmas concert the HCYO put on.
Mainly went to support my friends Karrie and Ashley who are in it.
And then I got there and found out my cousin Brianna was in it.
So that was cool.
Ended up sitting between this lady in her late-twenties who was with like her dad and two business men.
By the converstation of the business one of their daughters was in it.
Dunno about the lady and the older dude.
The music was excellent.
I couldn't stop smiling when they did "You're a Mean One Mr.Grinch."
It sounded really cool with like the violin and everything else.
They also did The Pink Panther theme song.
So afterwards I hugged Karrie really big and was like "You played The Pink Panther theme song just for me! I'm so happy."
And I literally was.
I nearly cried when they did "Carol of the Bells"
I loved it so much.
Got a compliment on the color of my dress(I wore this pink and purple halter dress with black skinny jeans and high heeled leather black boots + purple skull earrings and a black sparkly beaded necklace)
Didn't see Ashley after the show, got to spend time with Karrie though.
Looks like me, her and Christina already have a date to go see New Moon together.
Lol.
Um...lets see.
Wifi is still being lame.
We just got the desktop fixed.
So I at least have internet access.
Even if it is slow.
About to get off the internet to do some homework.
OH.
Wrote in two of my books today.
However I didn't do alot of writting in one of them.
But the other one got like...a whole page of new stuff.
Still missing my wifey and my daughter.
I'm hoping to play "Find Edward's Human" again tonight.
Oh yeah, at the christmas concert, there was this one.
Really, really cute guy checking me out.
And I didn't even notice because I was freaking out because Karrie was having a blonde moment.
But mom noticed.
And I was like "Dude, that's hot."
And she was like "I know."
And you know what's even more amazing?!
I was in heels!
And he was still taller than me! <3 I
'm hoping that since he saw me with Karrie that maybe he'll ask her about me.
If he does, she'll be sure to tell me.
I might ask Ashley to introduce us. I
'm still not sure I'm ready for a relationship.
But I am getting better.
I'm not perfect.
I still feel....pain over Aaron.
But I'm getting there.
And here's the thing.
There's a chance that I'll still hurt over him at this time next year.
Falling in love with someone...
And then loosing that someone...
Takes a lot out of you.
Sometimes you appear to get over them fairly quickly.
But then a few weeks later something happens.
And your hurting all over again.
It's going to take a very long time.
It's true.
I'm willing to wait.
But at the same time.
I'm not willing to wait forever.
I'll start playing the field now.
Making friends with people.
So that maybe a few months down the road.
When we know each other better, it won't feel so....bad going out with them.
Because I'll know them.
We'll be friends.
They'll know more of my faults and they might even learn about this entire mess.
I understand how Bella feels in the second book.
Aaron was...is....my jacob.
He...
Means a lot to me.
But in this case, it was different.
Aaron was not only my best friend, he was my fantasy, he was also my Edward.
It's like he's slapping me in the face with the whole. "Your not good for me."
He always said he didn't do long distance relationships, but if I was in town, he'd be the first to ask me out.
He said that more than once.
And then BAM.
What's he do? He gets girlfriend who's in Cali.
*Deep breaths* I'm not even angry.
I'm just...irrated?.
No, not even that.
I'm slightly annoyed.
But I'll get over it.
I'll get over this whole sitation.
I'm happy I got to go out and have some fun today.
I'm listening to "Almost Lover" right now.
I just got in the mood to listen to it.
You know, sometimes I really hate myself.
Hate the way I fall in love so easy.
I'll admit, it's not that easy.
The first few months I usually keep my guard up.
With Tyler, he just kinda....he slipped past the guard.
I fell for him without meaning too.
But then I was happy when I did.
I was happy when he felt the same way.
But this is so much different.
I'm always ready for the next time I'll be stabbed in the back.
I'm always looking for the person who's going to do something to me.
And yet, in some strange way.
I still fall for people very easily.
And sometimes I really hate it.
I'm on the verge of tears.
Because as I sit here and type this.
I realize just how true these words are.
*Exhales*

Okay, I really have to do this homework, or else I'll be in major trouble.


XOXO,
Dollface.

The tears may fall, hearts may break, life may suck, but at least you ain't fugly like Pate!

Don't ask about the title.
It was the most random thing in my head.
I was going to do something more....dramatic.
More....poetic.
But nothing came to mind.
And what did was like FOREVER long.

Didn't sleep worth a flip last night.
Kept waking up, and staying awake then falling asleep.
Dreamed of my wifey.
I miss her and Tany very much.
Our desktop computer is being lame.
Our internet still continues to be effed up.
And it's really, really getting on my nerves.

Feel like crying.
Which doesn't make much sense.
I mean it does.
But like it doesn't.
I'm worried about Ali.
It's really strange not being able to talk to her for like...long periods of time.
So I instantly start worrying.
And then like her blogs aren't...the happiest.
Not the worst.
But....it still scares me.
What if something happens?
What if she needs me and I can't be here?
What if.....she gets tired of me not being able to be on and just decides to end our friendship?.
I mean I don't think she'd do that.
It'd take a lot of bullshit to piss her off to the point that she just walks away.
But I don't want to risk it, ya know?.

And like, I'm worried about Tany too.
Appearently she hasn't been eating much.
Also her blog posts tell me how depressed she is.
I'm worried that she's going through that thing I went through when I was depressed.
You know that thing that like messes up how you eat and shit.

*Sighs*
I just really, really wish I could go visit them.
That I could just go spend a week or two up there and just be whatever it is that they need me to be.
Rather it's a distraction from the mayham that is life, or a shoulder to cry on.
Or whatever.
I want to be there for them.
I hate being so far apart.
I know some people wouldn't be able to understand this relationship we have.
Most people think that like a BFF is someone who's always with you, someone who's like always at your house and stuff.
But for me a BFF is more than just someone you see all the time.
I mean, I can see a person all the time, I can know a person extremely well.
But does that make them my bff? No.
It's kinda like how I fell in love with Aaron without ever meeting him in person.

I can be really, really close to someone without seeing them all the time.
Because I'm really big on a person's personality.
If you have a crappy personality, then we won't get along.
It doesn't matter how much we have in common.

And so, Ali and Tany have great personalities.
I love them both very much.
I hate that two of my best friends are so far away.
But someday that'll change.
Even if I have to kidnap them and make them live with me in some beach house in Flordia.
Lol.
But I'm quite serious, y'all.

So uh, yeah.
I don't know where to go with this.
I feel like writting.
I'm just not sure what to write about.
I mean I suppose I could write about that dream I had involving Ali.
I'm sure she'd love to hear it.
OH!
I played "Find Edward's Human" With Emmett last night.
Twas quite fun.
But for some reason mom was playing too....
*shrugs*
OKAY! DREAM TIME!

So it started off with me arguing with Zach...uh...the guy I almost kissed?, yeah that dude.
And I was so pissed that I said something about him like breaking my heart or whatever.
And he was like "It's not my fault she was seventeen and you weren't old enough to date!"
And like I'd never meant to say what I'd said.
And I hadn't expected his response either.
And like we were argueing in my front hallway and then like I was just like "Whatever" and walked off and into the bathroom, because I figured he'd just you know, leave.
And like I just barely saw Dad going to talk to him as I walked into the bathroom.
And then like when I got out of the shower and walked out of the bathroom, I was confronted by my dad and he was like "Look Amy, I talked to him and you should give him a chance. Just hear him out, okay?"
So in my mind I was like "HOLY SHIT DAD'S BEING THE PEACE MAKER?!"
But then I realized as I peeked around the corner that he was still in the main hallway and like Jovan was with him too and I was like "F*ck" Cause I was trying to figure out how to get up stairs to change out of my PJ's without Zach seeing me in them.
So I was freaking out and then I was just like "To hell with it, I don't care if he sees me going to change, I'll just tell him to wait a minute."
So I started to sneak up the stairs and suddenly I hear talking and I looked over the stairwell to find Ali talking to Zach about how like her camera wasn't working and I mouthed the words "What are you doing here?!"
And she just waved me along, like she was trying to be a distraction for me.
So then I was like "It's the guy I almost kissed!" and she kinda nodded while Zach looked over her camera and then she shoo'ed me off again and so I went up stairs and picked out something else to wear and then before I could get back downstairs to talk to him, I woke up.
IT PISSED ME OFF, MAN!.
I WOKE UP AT LIKE 2 AM.
AND NEVER GOT TO FIND OUT.
WHAT HAPPENED.
WHICH MADE ME BE ALL LIKE "GRRRR."
And then I was awake for like thirty minutes.


So yeah.
Now I need to go take a shower.
More dreams tomorrow!.
If the 'net works.



XOXO,
Dollface.

OH I FORGOT.

I got to listen to FOB's new album.
They have this thing on myspace so that the fans can listen to it early like Britney did.
It's pretty good.
I can't wait to buy it.



XOXO,
Dollface

Don't you just love how nothing ever goes right?.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!.
SSSSSHHHHIIIITTTTT.
CAN'T WE EVER GET A FECKING BREAK?!

Seriously.
Okay, so yesterday was like.
BLEH.
The WIFI wasn't working.
And then MSN died.
So I couldn't talk to Ali.

And now like today, is a freaking day out of hell.
Here's how this bullshit went:
I was awoken at 7:45 AM because one of the firealarms beeped, so she thought something was on fire, and she was freaking out because we were worried that the effing house was gonna go up in smoke.
So at like 8:15 AM we confirmed that the house wasn't on fire and that the house wasn't going to go up in smoke so I was allowed to return to bed.
And I had a hard time going back to sleep.
But I ended up waking up and getting out of bed at like 10:40 AM.
And like it was really cold still but we needed to go to the store, so like we went to the store at like 11 something.
And then like we barely walk in the door and get everything put away and we get this phone call from my brother and...
Ugh.
I want to explain.
And at the same time I don't.
Because if someone who's like...a jackass ever reads this.
Then I don't want this to be like all over the place.
So lets just put it this way.
My brother paid his rent for the next two weeks yesterday.
And this morning the owner basically told Preston to "Get the f*ck out"
And by the looks of things, the guy isn't going to give my brother his two weeks worth of rent back.
Also.
Just found out about 45 minutes ago.
That Josh, who's like family to us.
Was in a car wreck a few hours ago and now he's in the hospital.
And there's like way more to the story than what I've posted.
But like.

This day is totally horrible.
I can't wait for it to end.
And all I can do is pray that tomorrow is better.

But on a funnier note, here's something that happened when we were helping my brother get some of his stuff out of the house he's renting.

And John was like "Why do you need toolboxes? Your a girl"
And the way he said it, it was so sexist.
So I literally kicked him in the ass.
And he was holding this box of stuff when I did it so he was like
"That's not fair! my hands are full!"
And I was like.
"I'm my brothers sister, I don't have to play fair."

So that was funny.

And...and....GAH.
I just.....
I just wish something would manage to go right.
Like this whole year.
Has been pretty shitty for me and my entire family(Including for the people who are like family to us)
This includes Ali and Tany's year.
I'm just like...so sick of it.
I'm so sick of everything.
It's like why isn't it that everything gets better just in time to fall apart again?.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

"Amy says:
GO
Amy says:
OUTSIDE
Amy says:
NOW
Amy says:
AND LOOK
Amy says:
AT THE MOON
Amy says:
AND THEN COME BACK
Amy says:
AND TELL ME WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Amy says:
DO IT
Amy says:
NOW"


THE MOON IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
I COULD STARE AT IT FOR LIKE HOURS EVEN THOUGH IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE.
THERE'S A RAINBOW AROUND THE MOON.
IT'S JUST LIKE...SO AMAZING.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I'll blog again later....Maybe.

WIFI

The WIFI hasn't been working today.
So we only have one computer with internet access at the moment.
Which really, really sucks.
But I am managing to get some work done on my book.
Problem is.
Since the internet isn't working I can't e-mail what I write to myself.
So now I'm worried that I might loose everything again.

Listening to the Innerpartysystem again.
"Don't Stop" is currently playing.
So far I like all of their music.
Oh and I've got a new song to add to my list.

1. "Die Tonight, Live Forever." - Innerpartysystem
2. "Unbeautiful." - Lesley Roy
3. "I Feel Better" - Frightened Rabbit
4. "New Poetry." - Innerpartysystem


Six more to go!!!



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I miss my wifey.

Die Tonight, Live Forever.

"You can feel the pounding
Wrapped around your chest
Nothing's too excessive
When you've got nothing left

We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control
We're all here 'cos we've lost control

If we all should die tonight
We will have no regrets
If we all should die tonight
We will have no regrets

If this night should take my life
(We cant go back we cant go)
If we all should die tonight
(we cant go back we cant go)

You can see the plastic
Dripping off your face
We may not all be pretty
But we feel pretty fake

We're all here 'cos we've lost control."

The lyrics are taken from the song "Die Tonight, Live Forever." - Innerpartysystem.
I heard the song while we were in Pac-Sun today and I fell in love with the song after like the first thirty seconds, the beat is amazing.

So yeah.
Had a good time shopping today.
We've got 75 percent of the christmas shopping done.
I got a new pair of skinny jeans and some earrings today.
Which is great.
Because I've been in desperate need of earrings.

Um...we didn't get to go into Spencers so I have no clue if Mr.Sexy was working today or not.
*Sniffles*
But we did go into Juicy and dude they had an amazing sell on jewelry, bags and shoes.
And since dad wasn't with us we didn't buy anything from there.
*Sighs*
Oh well.

Had a great time talking to Tracy and Tiffany over lunch.
They're both really awesome.
Of course, I knew Tiffany was since she's my cousin by marriage.
Lol.


So here's the beginning of that new playlist:

1. "Die Tonight, Live Forever." - Innerpartysystem
2. "Unbeautiful" - Lesley Roy
3. "I Feel Better" - Frightened Rabbit


Yeah, I accidently lost the rest of that list Ali sent me.
Heh Heh.
So, I need seven more songs to complete the list.


XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S.
LINKAGE - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eU1DniTu8NU

Transition

I'm at that point, where something has shifted in my mind.
Something small.
But still something.
I'm at that point where I'm transitioning from one state of mind to another.
I'm at that point where the playlist I created with the help of Ali doesn't fit anymore.
I mean the music still fits.
It just doesn't fit my current state of mind.
It fits my past state of mind.
Which means I'm improving to some extent.
It's just a very slow process.
So, I'm hoping when I talk to Ali later she can help me create another playlist.
One that'll fit how I'm feeling now.
I've already got a couple of songs that are going to be on the list, so that should help.

Now if I could just do something to make Tany feel better.....



XOXO,
Dollface.

Possible.

It's possible to move on.
It's possible to be tempted by that which your trying to avoid.
It's possible to distract yourself.
It's possible to still love someone with all of your heart, even if you don't want too.
It's possible to feel the need to scream when someone says something that remains you of why there's an ache in your chest.
It's possible to want to curl into a ball and cry over something someone said.
It's possible to rant and rave and not mean a single thing you say.
It's possible to ignore the pain.
It's possible to not cry yourself to sleep at night.
It is possible to love again.

But sometimes.
The possible seems impossible.



XOXO,
Dollface

"Oh man, I would prolly die from all the cuteness..."

"apechann:
You're very pretty, sweetie... Now I'm really seeing that... :] *hugs again* Sorry, when I see a pretty girl, I look alot...
ccscleader15:
Lol.
FUN!
You oughta catch me when I'm dancing around.
Tis quite funny
apechann:
Oh man, I would prolly die from all the cuteness...
ccscleader15:
XD
apechann:
It would be like radiation... a slow death...
ccscleader15:
That was cute!
That was seriously,
wow.
That was cute
"Oh man, I would prolly die from all the cuteness..." Is going on my fave quotes list.
apechann:
But it would be a happy death... a smiling one... dying with a good and pretty friend.... ccscleader15:
Psh.
Yeah.
apechann:
Sounds like a good way to go.
ccscleader15:
A friend who's half way across the country."


Taken from a converstation that happend just a little while ago.
That comment was seriously cute.



XOXO,
Dollface.

"Was it something that I said?, was it something that I did?."

"Cause I gotta know what would make me unbeautiful."

Title/quote taken from the lyrics of the song "Unbeautiful" By Lesley Roy.
Right now, this song just really kinda fits my mood.
I'm working on this card game I came up with in my sleep.
I think it might end up being really awesome.
Didn't eat much.
Had a very restless night last night.
Kept tossing and turning and waking up.
So I woke up this morning almost as tired as I was when I went to bed last night.

Toying with the idea of begging Ali to roleplay.
But only if she's in the mood for it.
I gave up on getting all the christmas lights/decorations up.
Whats done is done and that's all that's being put up.
No concert tomorrow, because Charlie is going to church with us.
*Sighs*
All I have to look forward to is shopping on tuesday and christmas day when I get my PS2 and Creed CD.
Um...yeah.
That's all I got for now.




XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. OH! and whatever I get from my secert santa, I forgot about that.

LEMME SLEEP!!!!!!!!!........and roleplay! XD

Just ate dinner, but not a lot,
I don't know, I'm just not hungry.
Which is strange considering I worked all day.
I mean sure we had a big lunch, but still.
I should be eating more.

I'm really, really tired.
Keith is cool.
We're thinking about inviting them over to watch the superbowl with us next mouth.
Appearently one of his sons is looking into going to Culinary Art School, too.
Which is awesome.
On the way home I kept slipping up and thinking about Aaron how I used to.
I really wish I could just stop that.
Stop the dreaming of him.

I didn't dream of that other guy last night.
Actually, I didn't dream at all.
I had a very restless sleep.
I kept waking up in the middle of the night, it's one reason I'm so tired now.
I'm about to sign on to MSN.
I'm toying with the idea of going to bed early.
Which is strange, too.
I never, ever consider the possiblity of going to bed before eight.
I kinda wanna roleplay.
Listening to the playlist.
"Reason Why" - Rachael Yamagata, is playing right now.

We're not going to the football game tomorrow, which kinda sucks but I'm cool with it.
I don't think I'm gonna be able to see MDR in concert on sunday, which really sucks.
Um.....did I mention I'm dead tired?.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. Some part of me really, really wants to dream of that guy again. Strange, isn't it?

"I pretend I'm okay, but it aches inside"

Kiss My Sass - Cobra Starship
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=47534365

Circus - Britney Spears
http://www.britneyspears.com/

Went to work with dad today.
I'm tired.
Had this really weird and yet really awesome dream last night.
It was connected to several other dreams I've had during the past month or two.
It was also like a continuation of one.
I wish I knew who the guy was in the dream, I wonder if I actually know him.
Or if I'll meet him someday.
Something about that embrace in the dream last night felt....too real.
Almost like I actually hugged the guy.
I can still remember the way it felt.
It's strange.
But I kinda like it.

Gotta go to work with dad again tomorrow.
Should be bundles of fun.
I really can't wait to go to sleep.
But I have to wait for dad to get out of the shower, so that I can take a shower.
I'm currently roleplaying and listening to that sad playlist.
I had a decent day today, hardly thought about Aaron at all.
I was so busy working that I barely noticed the ache in my chest.
Keith, Gina's husband, seems really nice.
Of course, I knew whoever Gina was married to had to be.
It's just that I'd never met him before.
(Gina is mine and my mom's hairstylest, her husband is working on the same job site we are)
So yeah, tomorrow should be fun.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. YAY! Dad's out of the shower! Now I just have to let the water warm up -_-'
P.S.S. The title of this blog is taken from the song "Seven Days Of Lonely" - I Nine

Haha, I forgot something.

I forgot to mention that I told dad about the concert on sunday.
You know the one with the band Karl's in.
Yeah, that one.
And daddy didn't say no.
Which means he's actually considering it.
Which makes me happy, I could totally use the distraction.
And besides I'd love to see Karl play and possible meet his bandmates.

Oh, I'm working on my book again.
One of the ones about shape shifters.
I haven't worked on it in like a week or so.
So it's a good thing I'm working on it now.
OH! YEAH SOMETHING FUNNY!.

"ccscleader15: But I love everybody, so yeah.
KingBoB432: wahooooot!
KingBoB432: hoot
KingBoB432: hoot
KingBoB432: Imma owl
ccscleader15: Whoa, that was random.
ccscleader15: But I liked it.
KingBoB432: haha"

I don't know why, but I seriously loved that convo.
I suppose it's cause Alex is awesome.
And he's been helping to distract me when it comes to like Aaron and stuff.
Gah, I wish I had saved that convo where we were arguing over rather or not I was boring.
Cause that converstation was hilarious.

Uh...yeah.
I have to send Cree a link to the blog when I'm done.
Speaking of which.
She commented on my blog!
Comments make me smile.
Lol.
I'm happy to know she likes it.
And yeah.
I think that's all I've got to say.




XOXO,
Dollface.

Cute Electrician.

Okay, so I just finished reading Ali's blog.
And she was talking about how that cute electrician they always get came to fix whatever was broken.
And she was like "Which is funny since Dollface is a cute electrician"
Anyways, that made me smile.

I'm really tired, because I had to baby sit this morning.
Which annoyed me.
Because it was really warm today.
And I really wanted to put up more christmas stuff.
But by the time they left.
I was so tired.
I don't think I'm going to be able to enter the contest this year.
Which is really depressing.

Um, I know I should have blogged yesterday.
I just didn't feel like it.
Lets see, we finally had thanksgiving tonight.
Minus the pies.
Mom has to make the pies later this week.
Oh, I have to go to work with dad tomorrow, so no staying up late.
I really, really want to roleplay with Cree.

And....I'm listening to that playlist again.
"Almost Lover" is on right now.
Oh and the new CD by Britney Spears is amazing.



XOXO,
Dollface.

"Pushing on through, all i wanna do is get over you."

So for once, I actually managed to post more blogs in a month than there were days in that month.
Lol.
So yeah, today is december first.
So far it's been...okay.
I'm not sick anymore, so that's good.
But I'm still not eating much.
And....yeah, the best way to discribe what's going on is to tell y'all what I told Cree when she asked if I was okay.

"I'm not crying my eyes out, or holing up in my room. However anytime I see a guy with pale skin and short brown hair, I feel like my heart is being ripped apart. And almost every minute that I'm awake I feel this pain in my chest, So I don't know if I'm okay or not."

She says I'm not okay, but I will be.
And I agree.
It'll just take time.
Talking to Cree and Ali at the moment.
Still listening to that playlist.
Cree asked to see my blog.
I can't blame her for being curious since I always talk about writting in it.
But it was funny.
Because I've never had anyone ask to see it.
So I'm like "Whoa."

Anyways,
I think I'm gonna go.
Because I don't know what to talk about.
OH! I might be geting a PS2 for christmas!.
Lol.
I know, random right?.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. The title of this blog is taken from the song "The Hit Parade" - Unkle Bob

"Goodbye, my hopeless dream"

Mom woke me up at 7 AM.
All I wanted to do was curl back up, because I was so warm under the covers.
But I knew I had to get out of bed.
I realized I had a headach as I made my way over to my CD player.
So I was automatically in a bad mood.
I hardly got any sleep last night even though I was dead tired.
Went to church.
Nearly fell asleep every time I blinked.
I ate a decent amount at lunch and then we went into San Antonio.
On the drive there I fell asleep for like ten or fifthteen.
Bass pro shop was pretty boring, which is odd."
I started feeling sick while we were there.
But I started feeling better after we left the store.
We drove over to the mall and did some looking around.
We made some plans to go christmas shopping in a little over a week.
Went to Spencers.
I got a Twilight poster and got Tyler's christmas gift.
And there was this one guy in there.
Who was really, really hott.
Like, Taylor hott.
He was native american too.
And he was probably 18 or 19.
And like we kept bumping into each other.
And this one time I was trying to get past him and he turned around and his hand accidently brushed against my ass.
And I think I giggled when he apologized for bumping into me and I was just like "It's okay."
I didn't get to talk to him though, cause dad was there.
So I'm hoping when we go back for christmas shopping that he'll be there.
But like I seriously needed that.
Because I kept seeing guys with pale skin and brown hair and most of them had girlfriends, so it just kept making me think of Aaron.
Which hurt.
And then I saw him and it was like BAM!
I felt better.
I think it's because he has an awesome smile.
And smiles are contagious.
Either way,
I really, really needed that.
So then we went to Sams club.
And I was okay until we went to check out.
We got the same guy that we've gotten like everytime we've gone in there for the past six months.
And I used to not mind seeing him.
But today, it was just like. "F*ck, go away."
Because he's a cross between my cousin Kenneth and Aaron.
But he looks a bit more like Aaron than Kenneth.
It never used to bother me.
And maybe in another two or three months, it won't bother me anymore.
But today, I didn't need that.
I needed to see new people.
People who smiled.
So I slept a little bit on the way home.
Now I'm sitting in bed.
Talking to my sick wife.
Listening to the playlist I put together last night with her help.
Just kinda....chilling out.
I know, I'll be okay.
I know that someday, this won't hurt.

But right now, I'm just kinda....
Not me.
Not happy.
Not pissed.
I'm just someone who's lost.
But I'll find my way again.
It won't be so hard.
I mean, it's not like this is a surprise.
I always knew the day would come.
I always knew my dreams of him were just that, dreams.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. The blog before this is a quote from Breaking Dawn, and the quote in the title of this blog is from the song "Almost Lover" - A fine frenzy.

"Life sucks and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky."

Sometimes.

Sometimes, it's easier to just be quiet and not say anything.
Sometimes, silence isn't something you choose.
Sometimes, you fall for someone.
Sometimes, that someone falls for you.
And sometimes, hearts get broken.

And you can never look back.
He didn't have to go into detail for me to know the truth.
He didn't have to try to let me down easy.
Sometimes, a person just knows when it's time to give up.
But sometimes, the only way to give up is to be broken.

My life can come crashing down,
as soon as you let me go.
My heart can fall apart,
as soon as you tear my world to shreds.
The day you say good-bye.
Will be the day that I die.

So yeah, I'm just sitting here.
Writting songs, to discribe how I'm feeling.
The words in pink happen to be taken from one of those songs.
I'm kinda....torn.
But when am I not?.
For now, I'll just sit here, listen to music and write.


Playlist:

1. Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
2. Inconsolable - The Backstreet Boys
3. Say Anything - Marianas Trench
4. Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata
5. The Hit Parade - Unkle Bob
6. Divine Intervention - Taking Back Sunday
7. Never Think - Rob Pattinson
8. Wake Up - Coheed and Cambria
9. When Did You Heart Go Missing - Rooney
10. Seven Days Of Lonely - I Nine



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I just thought of a quote that seriously fits.

"Ever."

So, like we were walking out of homedepot.
And Tony was out in the parking lot and I pointed a finger at him and I was like.
"Have you gone to see Twilight yet?."
And he kinda smiled and was like "Heh Heh, no."
So I lowered my glasses and titled my head downwards so I giving him this look over the rim of my sunglasses and before I could say anything mom was like.
"Well, then. You never be cold, dead and sparkly. Ever."

It was totally hilarious, and the look on his face was a cross between being like "WTF" and laughing.
Anyways, I was laughing so hard and I told mom "That was a good one"
And she was like "Well, it sounded like something you'd say, so I said it before you could."
And that made me start laughing again, hell even dad was laughing.
Of course, he has seen Twilight.



XOXO,
Dollface.

I LOVE GERMAN GAY GUYS!

"[Alicia] says:
WRITE IN YOUR BLOG."

So yeah, my wife just told me to write in my blog.
So I'm writting in my blog.

Ready to laugh?


"ccscleader15:
So what would you like to do my dear?
karmasbadside:
I would like to shoot this one girl in her foot. And roleplay. But if I shoot the girl, I might go to jail, and we won't be able to roleplay. D:
ccscleader15:
Okay.
ccscleader15:
How about I shoot the girl in the foot and we roleplay while the cops try and fail to find me?
karmasbadside:
Haha, that works too.
ccscleader15:
*Shoots the girl in the foot* AND THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR ANNOYING/PISSING OFF ONE OF MY FRIENDS YOU ANNOYING LITTLE PAIN IN THE ASS
karmasbadside:
Woot! She is annoying too. ^_^
ccscleader15:
Muwhahahahaha. That's one less annoying foot in the world.
ccscleader15:
Tee Hee."


"Amy says:
Shall I just get you a "Team Edward" shirt?
Ty-bear says:
NO NO NO NO NO"

"Amy says:
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: but once, keshyr was trying to...change a lightbulb
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: but he was too short
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: so he got a chair
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and stood on it
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and he was still too short
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: so dominik was like laughing at him
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and he had like the new lightbulb in his hands
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and he got so mad he THREW it at dominik XD
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: but it missed and like shattered against the wall
[14:23] x roxy BOXY: and then he was like "YOU get to clean it up since it was YOUR fault"
[14:23] x roxy BOXY: and dominiks like "WTF YOU ALMOST KILLED ME WITH IT"
[14:23] x roxy BOXY: and keshyrs like "I DONT CARE CLEAN IT UP" haha
Amy says:
That seriously made me LOL
[Alicia] says:
It's not that funny.
But amusing.
I think it'd be funnier if I actually saw something like that happen.
Actually, sounds like something me and Tan would do.
Hm.
Amy says:
Well, I can imagine it happening.
[Alicia] says:
I didn't know we were all gay.
Amy says:
I KNOW!
I WAS LIKE
"OMG THAT SOUNDS LIKE MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER"
[Alicia] says:
XD
Amy says:
And then you signed on
[Alicia] says:
Now see, this is a funny conversation.
Amy says:
and I was like "YAY"
[Alicia] says:
"I didn't know we were all gay." "I know! I was like 'That sounds like my wife and daughter!'
Sounds like a dog show moment.
You remember, right?When tan puked on that kid at the dog show and it was so random?
Dog show moment.
F*ck, I should urban dictionary that."


Everything that was posted above is taken from real live converstations that happened today.

And yeah.
I don't know what else to blog about.
Um...I'm feeling better now that I'm actually able to eat.
We might be going shopping tomorrow or sunday.
Tyler got me a christmas present so I have to get him one.
Mom's pissed because Walmart.com was being lame.
And that's all for now.




XOXO,
Dollface.

Can this day get any worse?

So, you know how on myspace they have that "Own Your Friends" app.
Well, this one girl kept buying Aaron from me but I just kept buying him back, anyways.
She bought me and I went to look at her "Own Your Friends" profile cause like you can see all the comments she posts and stuff.
And she's like talking about how Aaron's her boyfriend and stuff.
I don't know if it's true or not.
His myspace still says he's single but now I seriously feel like crying.
I have half the mind to put on "our" song.
But I know that'd just make me feel worse, even though that song is the kind of music I feel like listening to right now.
What if he is dating her?
What if he just hasn't felt like telling me even though we're really good friends?
What if he just hasn't felt like he has to change his status on myspace?
What if this entire time I thought he was just busy with work and that's why he wasn't talking to me wasn't actually the case? What if he just isn't talking to me because his girlfriend doesn't want him too?
I have half the mind to call him, to see what's going on.
But I'm not sure I could handle it.
I'm not sure I could sound happy for him if he is dating her.
I'm not sure I could keep the tears from falling.
I'm not sure I wouldn't just curl into a ball and stop talking the moment he confirmed that they were dating.
I'm not sure I could stand to hear the panic in his voice if he heard my ragged breathing on the line, if he heard me sobbing.
I'm seriously on the verge of tears.

I mean, I suppose I shouldn't feel this way.
It's not like he's interested in me romantically or anything.
But I did fall in love with him over the summer.
And I'm still totally and helplessly in love with him, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I've told him how I felt, including how I didn't want how I felt to mess up our friendship.
Because in the event he didn't feel the same way, I still wanted to be friends.
I thought I could handle it if he got a girlfriend.
I thought I could just sit back and smile like I did when Tyler told me he'd started dating Liz three weeks after me and him broke up.
I thought I'd be able to fake a smile and tell him how happy I was that he's happy, even though I know he can see through my lies.
But even though he'd be able to see through the lie, I honestly think he would have pretended to believe me just to make it easier on me.

Now I'm sick to my stomach, like how I was when I was worried about Aaron's safety because of the hurricane.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
But this time if I do it's not because I'm sick with a virus.
It's because I've probably just managed to permantly lose the only guy I've truly loved since me and Tyler broke up.

The only way this day could get any worse is if Aaron confirmed that him and this girl are going out, that would seriously make this day worse.
Perhaps him telling me he was never EVER interested in me romantically would make it worse too.
I'm just....
I'm just trying to ignore this pain I'm feeling.
I'll have to call him and ask about it sometime.
I'm just not sure when I'll be able to do that.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Twice.

So, I just read the comment Gowri posted complaining about how I didn't blog yesterday and I had to blog twice today.
Seriously, if I felt better I would laugh.
But I'm afraid I don't feel better, so I'm not laughing.
Anyways.
You got the second blog like you wanted, sweetie.


Gah, my head is like killing me.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. Perhaps when I feel better I can make up for this crappy blog post. Lol.

Sick.

So I have this virus that's going around.
Mom has it too.
I puked for the first time at about 9 o'clock and then proceeded to puke every thirty minutes to an hour until 3:30 AM at which point I puked for the last time and was finally able to go to sleep. I then proceeded to wake up every five or ten minutes from 6 am until 8 am, at which point I gave up on sleeping and just laid in bed.
Almost threw up again a couple of times.
The only thing I've had today is a coke and I just started on a bottle of water.
Thanksgiving is being put off until me and mom feel better.
This is the first time I've been on the computer today.
I still feel really, really crappy.
But at least I feel well enough to get on here and see how my friends are doing.
Anyways, I slept from like 9 AM until like 12:52 PM.
Had a doctors appointment at 2:15 PM.
Got a bunch of pills and stuff but haven't had the guts to take any of them just in case it just makes me sick again.

So, yeah.
I'm going to go read Ali's blog and possibly check my e-mail and myspace.
I might even get on MSN, but it's all going to depend.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Sleepy hollow.

Really worried about Ali.
Just read her new blog.
Christina did spend the night.
It was fun.
I'm still really tired though.
Have to go to work with Dad tomorrow, possibly on wednesday too.
Thursday I'm helping mom cook 'cause it's thanksgiving.
Mom's currently playing cashflow and I'm writting a book.
We're going to watch a movie later.
Christina left New Moon here so I've been typing up what happens and sending it to her.
Bought the Twilight soundtrack yesterday, I love it.
I feel like I'm in rush that's why I'm typing the way I am.
That's why I'm typing without a lot of details.
So yeah.
Also got a C&C cd yesterday.
Got to hug Karl.
Helped to put up some chrismas decorations at church.
Still need to finish decorating here at home.
And yeah...
That's about it.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Perfect days can't last forever can they?.

So, I woke up this morning to the sound of my mom talking on the phone to Victoria and I was rather up set about Christina not spending the night.
But then as it got closer to time for Christina to come I started to get really, really excited.
Me and Christina rambled about the books and what we thought the movie would be like and about the charactors and the actors and we even discussed a few other random things.
Me and her both needed this.
We both needed to just be normal teenagers.
She's having some major problems at home.
And I think I'm finally over all of mine.
Even with the two deaths recently.
I'm still doing pretty good.

The movie was amazing.
Given there were some things that could have been better.
And to be perfectly honest I wouldn't be blogging about this right now, if it wasn't for the fact I think Ali will need to laugh sometime this week.
Anyways, they did add some lines that were in the movie, some of my most favorite parts would have to be the baseball scene.
The scene where Bella comes to the Cullens house for the first time because the familys cooking itailian food and Rosalia is holding this salad and she's like.
"Do we know if she's even itailian?"
And Emmett shrugs and answers with "Well, her name is Bella."
Also I love the scene when Bella goes to lunch for the first time because Mike sits beside her and Eric's like "Oh I see you met my girl, Bella."
So Mike is like "Oh your girl?"
And then Tyler pops out of no where and goes "My girl" and kisses her on the cheek before Mike jumps up and chases him across the room.

Okay, I think I'd better shut up now since they haven't seen the movie yet.
BUT.
GOOD NEWS WIFEY!
Taylor's wig doesn't look as lame in the movie as it does in the photos!

There's still a small chance that Christina will spend the night tomorrow, but we don't know yet.
Her mom wants to think about it over night and she'll call us in the morning.

*Deep breath*
Alright, time to come down off this high.
Time to push all the happiness and the hyperness to the back of my mind.
Because Ali needs me.
I know she'll probably feel bad about quote "ruining my day" but she's not ruining it.
However, I need to ignore the hyperness I feel so I can help her.
I know how she feels.
I've lost loved ones like that, who are hardly knew.
But this isn't about me.
This is about the friend I wasn't here for today.
About how if I had my passport I'd probably fly to vancouver to see her.
How I'm going to do whatever is in my power to support her.
I'll talk about whatever she wants to talk about.
I'll do what she wants to do.
I'll basically just be all I can be without it being awkward.
So, Ali.
I'm here for you okay?.
And I want you to know that I was thinking about you alot today.
Like I talked about you and Gowri alot.
Mainly you, but that's because of the whole "Husband/Wife" thing.
So, just know you on my mind and I'll be praying for you.
And my parents are really sorry for your loss too.

I love you, I love you very, very much.


XOXO,
Dollface.

Twilight!!!!

Okay, so last night when I told Gowri I wasn't going to watch Twilight today it was true.
However our plans changed.
So we're going to see the first showing of the day!!!
I'm so excited.
A little disappointed because there's a chance that Christina can't spend the night.
But mom and dad say she can.
It just depends on rather or not Victoria* will let her.
So, I may have to do some serious begging today.


XOXO,
Dollface.



* Isn't it ironic that her mother is named Victoria?.
** And isn't it even more ironic that Christina got Bella on that quiz?
*** And isn't it extremely ironic that her father is named Charles?(Charlie as a nickname)
**** Yup, I live a very, very strange life.

Fun, fun, funny.

So I was talking to Ali today and we were discussing what she wanted for christmas and she told me to surprise her.
My idea is to make her a t-shirt that says basically what that picture says.
I seriously might do that. I don't know,
I'll have to wait and see what I can find at the store and stuff.













So I kind of feel like being random, so I'm making all these funny pictures like that one. I can't wait to see how the spoof on twilight and POTC turns out. It should be funny.






And I kinda just did this one because I felt like doing something that involved
"Skinny Jeans" Hopefully, all of these will make my friends laugh.


And I did this one simply because last time Christina came to spend the night we danced in the rain and I sang "Beat It" while I stabbed a cactus.....And yes, I was wearin a bikini.







Yeah.
I'll let y'all guess what the story behind this one is. LOL.









XOXO,
Dollface.

Human moment.

So like, I'm having one of those "OMG" moments.
I was reading the twilight interviews that are on Seventeen.com to my mom and I was talking about how cool Jackson sounded and stuff and I was like "Huh, I wonder how old he is."
So I got on IMDB and looked at his profile and I was like "OMG"
Because he's born in december of 1984.
Which makes him my match....TWICE.
Because he's a Sagittarius and a Rat.
And those are both signs that I'm suppose to be able to have a great relationship with.
And he's eight years older than me.
And my dad is eight years older than my mom.
And my mom and dad only match on the Zodiac years.
So I'm like "Whoa."
And! I'm a Water Monkey and he's a Wood Rat which means that when it comes to business we go well together.
Also what's funny is my mom thinks I haven't met the guy I'll be with forever yet and I've been talking about going out to california after Culinary Art School and becoming a personal Chef and I had half-teasingly, half-seriously told Ali, I wanted to be a Chef for Rob.
But like the more interviews I read and stuff I'm like. "Huh, Jackson would be fun to work for."
And then we have this whole zodiac match thingy going.

So yeah I need like a human moment to just like jump around and be like "OMGOMGOMGOMG"
Of course, knowing my luck. He isn't single, I won't meet him, oh and he won't want a personal chef.

Oh also, I found out that Kellan's favorite website is addictinggames and I was like "Omg, I play games on there like all the time" and then I realized that I might have even played against him in one of them before and I was like "Whoa."
Oh and Kellan loves Sonic which is awesome.
And Rob's favorite website is youtube so I'm sitting like. "I wonder if he's seen any of my vids on youtube..."
Speaking of that.

I'm working on doing a spoof with my friends.
It's probably going to be a spoof on Sweeney Todd, Twilight, Pirates Of The Carribbean and Harry Potter....MAYBE Artimis Fowl.
Also I'm toying with the idea of making dance videos to songs by different artists and posting them on youtube.
*Shrugs*
We'll see where it takes me.

GREAT NEWS!
CHRISTINA GETS TO GO SEE TWILIGHT WITH ME THIS WEEKEND!
Unless like something major happens.


Anyways, I miss my wife!....or should I say wives?.
Hahahahahahahaha.....yeah, Ali's is so going to yell at me for that.
SORRY HONEY!.
I LOVERS YOU!.



But anyways, yeah.
It's more than just the Zodiac thing.
I mean he was saying how he couldn't fuction without his family and stuff.
And I was like "Wow, someone who'd understand the way I am about family."
And like there's just a bunch of stuff about him that interests me.
Like the going to places when they have an "Open Mic-Night" and singing and going to karaoke places and stuff, I mean that's the kind of thing I'd love to do.
And then he really likes music.
AND HE'S EVEN LIVED IN TEXAS BEFORE!
So yeah, I don't know. But I think it'd be hilarious if I ever met him.
Like not hilarious as in "LMAO" but hilarious like "Whoa! we have so much in common, hahaha."
Or something.
I don't know.
So..perhaps someday it'll happen. *shrugs*




XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? *Looks at Gowri and Ali*

Wow, I'm in rush. Lol.

Just watched 13 Going On 30.
And they played one of my favorite songs that I have on CD but like it's on one of those CD's I got for free for being a subscriber to Seventeen magazine back in like '06 or '07.
So it's one of those CD's I rarely listen to.
So I looked up the soundtrack and got the song and found it on youtube.
The song would happen to be "Will I Ever Make It Home" - Ingram Hill.
My BFF's grandma is in the hospital.
So mom's freaking out.
And I'm worried about Christina.

Went to Walmart yesterday.
Bought 13 Going On 30 and Sleepy Hollow. You know the one Tim Burton directs? Yeah that one.
Also bought a couple of DVD's for this secert santa thing I'm in.
And yeah.
Mom's on the phone with Christina's mom.
So I think I'm gonna go, I'll probably get on my messengers soon.
Oh and I didn't get to watch all of the TRL thing so I'm hoping MTV has it online because I really wanted to watch the whole thing.
But I did see the part where Nelly, Ludacris and Snopp Dogg were singing.


XOXO,
Dollface.

Together again.

I'm about to sign into my messengers.
I'm toying with the idea of turning on the TV.
I'm also stuck on the desktop because mom and dad are doing this lesson thingy on the laptop.
Hence why I'm not on my messenger's yet, cause the computer is like totally slow and if I have more than two internets up it gets even slower, so when I'm done blogging I'll get on meebo and sign in to stuff.

So church was awesome except for Ashley almost having a nervous break-down.
But other than that it was good.
Ashley's finally ungrounded so Laice went to church with her.
And WAH-LA!
The group was together again.
Female only group: Me, Ashley, Karrie & Laice.
Both genders: Me, Ashley, Arthur, Karrie, Laice, Oliver & Victor.

So yeah, it was awesome, we had a couple of group hugs however A&O avoided said group hugs which annoys me. But oh well.
Um...lets see.
Laice wants to go to San Antonio and hang out for her birthday but she has to get premission and then she's gonna call me, Ashley and Karrie and see if we can set up a weekend to just be.......girls.
Basically, being girls includes but is not limited to:
Trying on expensive prom dresses and taking photos of us in said dresses.
Possible buying clothes, shoes, make-up, etc.
Watching a movie.
Going out to dinner and/or lunch.
Singing at random.
Dancing at random.
Going to starbucks.
Chatting about boys.
Flirting with boys.
Getting boys numbers.
and
Going into stores we'd normally never shop at just to try on some crazy outfit and get a picture in said outfit.

And as I said, that list includes what will probably be done but we'll probably do like twenty million other insane things.
Hell, we might even make a spoof on Twilight while we're at it.
Just kidding.
Me and Ashley are the only one's who've read Twilight, so it wouldn't work out very well unless we all saw the movie then made the spoof.

OH! Speaking of that.
It's been decided that Karrie is the most Bella-ish person in church due to how clumsy she is.
Which is hilarious because she's the model not us.
But anyways, my poor Kare-bear fell on face on the way to gym(Or in gym, I don't remember)
And she kept triping on her feet like all week and then today in church she bumped into this counter top and hurt her shoulder.

So yeah, she's like Bella in that department.
Oh and she's short.
But that's okay, because she's my Kare-bear and I love her no matter what.

Hmm....what else.
Ms. Cari and Mr. Carl were ordained or something like that.
Which is a good thing appearently.
Because we through a party in church.
OH! and Ms. Cari is thrilled to have new lights in her office because now her office no longer looks like a cave.
I mean seriously I walked in there and was like blinded because the light was so much brighter than what I'm used to.

And that's all I can think of.
So.....



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I'm thinking about calling Aaron, I haven't heard from him in like two weeks and that has me worried.

"You see, Bella, I was always that boy."

So last night while I was in the shower I was thinking about how the day before Joe's Memorial service I'd told Channing that I didn't see the point in getting friends to help keep me sane and stuff because I said some part of me realizes that even if I do, it won't be the help I want.

That is not to say that I do not want my friends help.
It's just that sometimes you reach a problem in life or a point in life when the help you want changes.
While up until that point you were perfectly content with crying on a friends shoulder.
Once you hit this point your feelings change.
You still love your friends to death.
You still know they'll be there when you need them.
But sometimes you don't literally need them.
Sometimes you need someone else.
Like you still need them but....things change.
Like....gah, I know this is totally confusing to you guys.
It's even confusing me.
Because I'm not explaining how I would like to because I'm not sure how to explain it the way I want it explained.

So lets try this again.
The quote I have for the title of my blog is taken from Eclipse.
Edward says the line after Bella says how she wasn't going to be the girl who got married right after High school.
(You'd have to read the Twilight Saga to understand)
Anyways.
The help I wanted, the shoulder I wanted to have avalible for me to cry on, the person whose arms I wanted to cry myself to sleep in.
Was not the help of a friend.
Was not the shoulder of a friend.
Nor was it the arms of a friend that I longed for.

Had, I had it my way.
It would have been the help of a lover who kept me sane during a time when I would have quite enjoyed just losing myself in the sorrow I felt.
Maybe enjoyed is the wrong word.
But for once in my life I was no afraid of the pain.
I was willing to be in pain.
Because the world had lost a great man.

You see, I've always been that girl.
That girl who's a hopeless romantic.
That girl who blushs at the idea of a big wedding.
That girl who's never been girly but always loved playing the part of the princess.
That girl who honestly hates the idea of never finding the guy that completes her.
That girl who knows she's going to bawl her eyes out if she ever gets married when it's time to say good-bye to her father.
That girl who's a daddy's girl.
That girl who can be totally immature and emotional.
That girl who sometimes thinks she was born in the wrong time frame.
That girl who doesn't want kids.
That girl who has almost always dreamed of finding that guy who's touch she could not live without.

That's me.
And what I really wanted that day I found out Joe had died was for that guy from my imagination to show up and see me on the verge of tears and take the computer from me, set it aside, pull me into his arms and would just tell me it was okay to cry.
What I wanted was for that guy who wouldn't mind me crying on his shoulder, who'd think I was being silly by apologizing and getting all embarressed because he saw me crying, who'd stay up all night while I cried and not even think twice about having something to do in the morning because all he cared about was that I was okay.

Okay, so yeah.
Channing, your probably going to read this and be like "I could be that guy" or "I am that guy."
And you may be that guy, Channing.
But you are not that guy to me.

And as I thought of all of this in the shower last night a memory popped into my head. One of those memories that I'm surprised I remember since it happened right around the time me and Tyler broke up.

I was at youth group, it was the wednesday after the superbowl. Me, Zach and Jovan were the only people out of about twenty-two in youth group who supported the Patriots.
And Tobin who was thrilled beyond belief that the Giant's had won was taunting and picking on Zach about how bad his team had lost and such.
I don't remember what was said as I stood about five or so feet from the two of them.
I don't remember exactly what Tobin said for Zach to get that look in his eyes and for his fists to ball up at his sides but I remember the look on Zach's face as Tobin laughed and headed over to the pool table that was across the room.
What surprises me was how many things went through my mind during the five seconds it took for me to act.
I remember out of the corner of my eye seeing Tobin's laughing face because what I was focused on was Zach's face.
The way his eyes went from trying to remain calm to suddenly trying to decide if the trouble he'd get into for punching Tobin would be worth it.
I saw how the side that thought the trouble was worth it was winning.
In the back of my mind I saw how easily Zach could have crossed the room and got a punch or two in before anyone had any real time to react.
While I watched his body tense up, I remember in my mind I was thinking about the outcome of a fight, what the bast case cenerio was and the worst. I could easily see that it would take a lot to stop him now that he was so pissed. Some part of me acknogled that no one else seemed to realize how serious the look on his face was. Some part of me acknogled that no one else would be brave enough to try to calm him down while his fists were clenching and unclenching and without thinking I'd crossed the few feet between us and wrapped my arms around him.
I don't remember if I said anything.
I don't remember who'd gasped in surpise.
I don't remember how long the hug lasted.
I don't remember if Jovan was there that night or not.
I don't remember being scared that he'd hurt me if I tried to calm him down.
I don't remember worrying what everyone else would think.
But I do remember was the look on his face, the look in his eyes.
The look that I know so very well.
A look that I've worn so many times before.
A look my mother and father have worn.
A look my brother has worn.
It was that look that told me that if someone didn't do something there would be blood spilled.

I don't really remember why I'd finally stopped hugging him.
But some part of me remembers that I'd felt his tense body relax and only a couple of seconds after I'd felt him relax I'd let him go.
Because I knew the threat was over, for now at least.
I remember when I pulled back and half smiled at him.
His face was slightly comfused like he didn't remember what had happened.
I don't even know if realized I'd be the one hugging him.
If he'd even realized that anyone had hugged him at all.

I remember turning to my left and seeing Amy half reaching out towards me like she was going to pull away from Zach, like maybe she'd seen that look and thought he'd hurt me to get to Tobin.
I remember seeing the look of surprise on the other girls faces.
I remember smiling, raising an eyebrow and saying "What?"
I remember Sarah half-smiling at me even though it was appearent she'd been surprised too.
I don't know if the guys by the pool table saw what happen.
I don't know if Crystal and Tony knew what was going on.
All I know was that he'd calmed down while I hugged him and no one was going to the hospital, the cops weren't going to be called, there wouldn't be restraining orders put into place.

Mom and I both agree that some part of his mind registered that he was being hugged.
But mom thinks the only reason he calmed down was because it was me hugging him.
Her opinion is that he liked me and my touch made him relax, made him think more clearly.
But I have my doubts.
There's a part of me that wonders if one of the other girls had hugged him right then, would he have had the same reaction?.
Or would he have made them let him go so that he could have a go at Tobin?.

Which brings me to something I didn't blog about on November 2nd.
On November 2nd, after church while we were still in the process of picking up the halloween games, there was hardly anyone left in the kitchen and the majority that were there were in other parts of the building and I had walked over to Zach with one arm half way up and I'd smiled nervously and said "Hey Zach, can I have a hug?"
See, I'd always questioned if before he'd only let me hug him because people were around and he couldn't blow me off.
But right then me and him and only one other person was around.
Right then I wish I could have read his mind.
Because he gave me a strange look.
A look that was almost confused before he smirked and held out his arm to me and said. "You may."
And we'd hugged, I smiled and I walked away, returning to the work that still needed to be done.


Yeah, I don't know why I blogged all of that other than the fact that I just felt like it.

So yeah, I've always been a hopeless romantic.
The help I wanted was the help I would not get.
I still don't think it's likely I'll ever get married but my mom begs to differ.
I just don't see how any guy could ever truly love me for me.
I'm a complicated person.
I don't see a guy being able to take the time to understand me.
Oh believe me I want that guy.
That guy who'll complete me, that guy who's like my soulmate.
I just don't know what it's going to take to find him.



XOXO,
Dollface.

"And Amy's rolls on the floor laughing her ass off"

The title of this blog is a quote my mom said today when she'd said something that she thought was funny and I basically ignored her.
So she just walked by and was like "And Amy's rolls on the floor laughing her ass off" and the look on her face along with the words made me LOL.


Anyways, I wanted to post this convo because I think Ali will enjoy it whenever she gets on.



Gowri says:
have you talked to ali yet
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
No
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
I haven't talked to her since she left to go take a shower yesterday
Gowri says:
lol she didnt leave to to take a shower
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
I know
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
But that's what she told me
Gowri says:
lol
Gowri says:
she was going but then they kid napped her
Gowri says:
lol
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
....
Gowri says:
she thought they were coming today
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
THEY KIDNAPPED MY WIFE?!
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
I thought she went willingly!
Gowri says:
lol
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
Now someone will pay!
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
How dare they kidnap my love.
Gowri says:
she was supposed to go on friday
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
It's my job to kidnap her.
Gowri says:
but they came early so it was unexpected
Gowri says:
lol
Gowri says:
calm down dad
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
*Deep breath*
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
I'm clam.
Gowri says:
lol
Gowri says:
her mom said she will be back on saturday or sunday
Gowri says:
plus eventually she will go on the computer
Gowri says:
lol your acting like i was yesterday
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
Lol.
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
It's because I just found out she was kidnapped
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
Now i'm like
Gowri says:
lol
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
"THOSE LAME PEOPLE DARE TO TOUCH MY WIFE?!"
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
Okay, okay
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
I know those lame people are her family and that makes them not lame
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
But if their keeping her away from us then their lame


When Gowri said "Calm down, dad." I couldn't help but grin.
It's kinda like when Ali calls me "Husband."
It makes me happy because even though we're totally teasing and we're in no way married and there's no way she's my daughter, it makes me happy enough that we care about each other enough that we can tease like that and not get offended or anything.

Anyways. I have one more thing to post.




EDWARD MOMENT OF THE DAY:


ONE MORE WEEK! says:
Hmm...I gues this means I need to go hunting before I come to visit.



Lol, yup. I'm starting to sound like a vampire more and more each day.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I found Twilight fan fiction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!YAY!YAY!YAY!YAY!YAY!

ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL THE TWILIGHT MOVIE COMES OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy!
I cannot wait to see it.
I mean seriously.
It's going to be amazing.
Even if Taylor does look funny in a wig.

So, I'm eating lunch.
Chicken Noodle Soup with extra garlic.
And I might eat a salad too.
After I'm done eating I'm gonna go spend an hour or two putting up christmas lights and then I shall return to bug my friends and roleplay.
It's gonna be awesome.

And of course, something else to consider is the fact that Thanksgiving is just around the corner.
Which means tons and tons of cooking.
I can't wait.
I'm thinking about trying out some new recipes I've seen on foodnetwork recently.
But it's all going to depend on rather or not mom will let me.

Also,
I'm about to either force my parents to play cashflow with me or I'm going to ask if I can play the computer verison, because I'm dying to play again.
It's really fun.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I miss my wife.

Better.

"She is too fair, too wise, wisely too fair,
To merit bliss by making me despair:"
- Romeo, Act I Scene I.


So today, while we were out of town and mom was at the library I sat down at one of the tables and pulled down the book entitled "Shakespares complete works" or something like that.
And I began to read Romeo and Juliet.
I barely made it past Act I Scene III.
As soon as I finish Breaking Dawn, I'm going to the library to get Romeo & Juliet and while I'm at it, I think I'll read "A Midnight Summer's dream."

The pain did not come to over take me last night.
It's funny how all day yesterday I'd been on the verge of tears and then when I was ready to cry, the tears wouldn't come. I just kinda layed there listening to the soft music that came out of my speakers as I just....remembered.
Took in all the old memories.
I realize now that I don't have as many memories of him as I would like to have.
But I have enough.
I even managed to crack a couple of smiles last night.
And today I am...better.
Less upset.
More content.
Noticing that silver lining I couldn't see before.
Taking the time to realize that he is in a better place and that one day I'll see him again.
Today is a better day.
And tomorrow will be better than today.

Slowly, ever so slowly I'll mourn less and less over his death and smile more and more.
Today I haven't felt that pain as much.
I felt it creep up on me for a little while.
But then it left.

In the end, I will be okay.



XOXO,
Dollface

P.S. The reason I posted that quote from Romeo and Juliet is because it caught my attention, and I really like it.

Memorial service(furneral)

As the clock neared one PM I could feel the pain slowly creeping up on me.
Could feel the way it longed to devour me, to render me useless.
However I tried to stay calm as it slowly creeped up on me.
On the inside my body was screaming fight it.
But in my mind I knew it was wrong to fight it.
So I stayed as calm as I could as we got into the car and headed to the park.
An outdoor memorial service fit Joe's personailty.
He loved the outdoors.
As we approached the bright blue tent where the service was to be held I heard my mom say "Damn, Amy there's some good looking boys."
And even though my eyes scanned the area, I didn't see what she saw.
All I could see was the friends of Joe who lazed around the tent, waiting for the family to arrive, for the service to begin.
"Where?" I'd asked absent-mindly, to be perfectly honest I could have cared less.
At the exact moment I asked I heard her say. "Damn those uniforms really make a man look good."
I realized what she meant before I saw them.
She was of course referring to the Marines who'd be here to fold the flag, to present it to the family, to read a verse from the bible, to shoot the guns.
After a moment my eyes focused on the three Marines upon which she was referring.
"I suppose so." I'd said, not able to tell how they looked from there nor able to care at the time.
My mom made several comments about them that I responsed to in ways which obivously did not please her as we got out of the car and walked towards the tent.
I call it a tent.
But it wasn't really a tent.
But it was like a tent.
Like a tent without walls.
Like a very big tent.
We signed the guessbook and looked over the photos, did all the usual stuff that goes along with waiting for a memorial service to start and then we all gathered around inside the tent or around the tent as what would happen today was explained.
They explained that Joe wished that he along with his wifes ashes would be spread amongest the llano river via plane.
And we watched as the small plane flew high above and scattered the ashes, flapping it's wings afterwards to show that the mission was done.
As the plane flew they played the Marines song and I couldn't help but crack a smile even as I could feel the tears building, waiting to spill over.
We turned our attention to the veteren who then proceeded to read us a scripture from the bible and present the bible to the oldest living member of the family.
Helen, Joe's sister.
Two of the three Marines approached with practiced percison and picked up the already folded flag and slowly began to unfold it. After it was held out to be viewed the gun shots began to go off and the tears clinged to my lashes almost like they had no desire to fall.
My eyes slid closed as the shots rang out and echoed amongest the hills. I could picture so vivedly in my mind a scene of war and the tears spilled over, running down my cheeks and falling onto my shirt but I did not care.
Soon, the gun fire ceased and the third Marine approached the others, helping them to fold the bullet casings into the flag as they folded it.
They saluted each other several times throughout the whole mess before two of them walked off once again with practiced percison and the other Marine turned his attention to Helen, getting down on one knee and spoke to her about how they wanted her to accept the flag and such, I was too far away to hear exactly what was said.
He handed her the flag and I could hear her say "Thank you" several times and he saluted her before standing and he too, walked away with practiced percison.
Throughout this whole thing all I could think was that Joe deserved every little detail that he got at the memorial service, he deserved nothing less but so much more.
And yet I knew deep down that he wouldn't have wanted more than this.
Kevin, his youngest son had told most of Joe's lifestory.
Of how he was raised, how he raised them, how he served in the Marines, how he had a passion for taking care of customers, had a passion for shoes.
Most of this I already knew, but I heard a few things I did not know.
A man who'd written a poem that Joe liked came up and said the poem he had written.
He explained what Cowboys and Marines have in common, causing me to smile through the tears that wished to fall but didn't.
One of the local preachers spoke.
We were all invited to come out to the hotel to celebrate his life.
Told we'd be cracking open all the champagne bottles he'd received that he'd never opened because he honestly never liked the stuff.
So we'd come home for a few minutes to go to bathroom, put on more comfortable shoes and I had just enough time to E-mail Ali to let her know what was going on.
We headed to the hotel where for the first thirty minutes or so were spent visiting and looking through photos albums, the champagne started to pour, my Father permitted me a sip of his and I was relucant to let it go. It was so much better than wine and also, a part of me really wanted to drown my pain in alcohol just like everyone else would be.
But no, I was the person who was going to be driving home if mom and dad got too drunk.
I was the one who was forced to drink three doctor peppers and one coke as the smell of alcoholic beverages filled the air.
Bottles of beer were cracked open.
Bottles and bottles of champagne was poured.
Mixed drinks were made.
And after a couple of drinks everyone seemed to loosen up.
Everyone seemed to be able to forget the sadness and the pain and just celebrate the life of an amazing and great man.
A man who'd effected us all in positive ways.
And for awhile I was even able to smile and mean it.
I was able to kid around a bit and then I'd take a look at Dad's eyes and see the pain that was barely hidden by the alcohol and remember why we were there.

Tonight many tears shall be shed.
Tonight I shall not fight the pain when it comes to overtake me.
Tonight my family and several other people will mourn the loss of this truly amazing man.
Tonight he will be honored.
Tonight many of us will go to bed remembering the toast that was made to him.
Tonight we will mourn while deep down in our hearts we know he is in a better place and that it was his time to go.

As much as it hurts, as much as we might wish it hadn't of happened.
We will admit that he was ready to leave us.
We will admit that he is much happier now.
We will admit that he wouldn't be happy if he knew how upset we were.

But tonight, we will cry.
And tomorrow many of us will carefully seal away our hearts.
But we will all make sure to never forget Joe Parker.

R.I.P
Joe Parker
10-22-23 to 11-6-08
You will be greatly missed.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Life isn't fair.

Ali going through one of those horrible spells.
You know those ones where you get all restless and stuff.
And I'm like "Well, shit. Of course, it's something I can't help her with."
Just another one of those joys of having a BFF over twenty hours away.
I'm too far away to kidnap her.
Too far away to go shopping for an afternoon.
Too far away to just drag her out of the house for a couple of hours.

And I really don't like that.
It's so unfair.
Of course, life isn't fair.
Is it?.
No, it's diffinately not fair.
If it was I wouldn't be going to a memorial service(Furneral) this afternoon.
So yeah.

It's 10:28 AM.
The service is at one.
My stomach is growling but I don't feel like eating.
I've been up only an hour or so.
Mom thinks she has the flu.
I really, really hope she doesn't.
My brother came by with a couple of movies, so me and mom will probably curl up in her room and watch them.
The tears didn't come last night.
Which means I'll probably be bawling my eyes out at the service.

I wish I knew someone to cheer Ali up.
But all the ways I can think of involve me being there for her.
Like literally there.
Not like there as in there to support her.
But like literally there as in like there in vancouver.
Cause like I'm always there for her, I'm just not always literally there for her.



Wow, that was....confusing.
Anyways,



XOXO,
Dollface.

R.I.P Joe Parker

The shock is still the main factor in my mind.
It's hard to believe that this is happening.
That it happened.
How could one so brave, so strong die?.
We always knew the day would come.
He lived a great life.
Now he's in a better place.
But still there's this pain that's slowly sinking in.
As the shock slowly wears off, this pain will become more pronouced.
I wonder how long I'll cry tonight.
Or will the tears hold off until tomorrow at the service?.
Didn't I just the other day tell Channing that I was lucky if I only went to one furneral a year?.
And that I'd already been to three this year?
Now, I get to add another to that list.
One I really wish I didn't have to add.
I never wanted to add the others either.
But I knew him.
I knew him so well.
I mean I knew the others but...
This is...this is different.
It was like a family tradition to go visit him at this time of the year.
We weren't able to yesterday so we were going to do it today.
And dad discovered that he'd died.
My mind and body feels numb.
I feel like I'm on the verge of tears.
He was an amazing man.
He fought for this country.
He earned all three of the purple hearts he received.
He earned every metal he got.
He was one of the few.
One of the proud.
One of the Marines.
I....I just can't believe this.
It's so.......
There's no words to discribe it.
No words can come to mind to explain what this is like.
This pain that's creeping up on me inch my inch.
These tears that are ever so slowly spilling over my lashes.
This feeling that's telling me I shouldn't be sitting here crying, I should be praying for the family, trying to support them.
But some part of me realizes that we were very much a part of his family just like he was apart of ours.
We might not be dealing with the furneral arrangements.
We might now be blood related.
But we are family.



XOXO,
Dollface.

"Today is one of those days."