UGH.

UGH!UGH!UGH!
DAMMIT.
I WAS HAPPY AND SMILING AND EVERYTHING.
THEN ME AND CHRISTINA GOT ON THE SUBJECT OF A&O
AND NOW I'M SAD.
BECAUSE I KNEW THEY'D STILL END UP LEAVING BUT.....
It's just.....it's....
I didn't think, I knew it was possible, but I didn't think it'd be so soon.
There's no promise that their leaving.
But.....the signs are there.
And it hurts.
Because I don't know how long I'll have them.
Even now I'm on the verge of tears because I know that every minute with them could be our last together.
I remember when Eric left.
It'd been quite sudden.
There'd been much debate about it.
Many discussions but never a set date.
And then one sunday he told us he was leaving after church.
I still miss him.
And.....me and him weren't even as close as me and A&O.
I just.....it sucks, ya know?
To realize that apart of you is about to be missing.
Because their very much a part of me.
I have these little jokes and sayings that I do all the time and they all started because of them.
What am I to do when their all the way in Alaska without a computer and the closet internet access is a library or a cousins house?
What am I to do when I go to church the sunday after they leave with the intention of telling them something hilarious only to find they aren't there?
How am I to deal with that?
To just smile and laugh and pretend everythings okay when on the inside I'll be screaming and wrathing in pain?.
How do I cope with that?
It had been bad on vacation last year when I thought they were gone.
But now it'll be worse.
I'll have to deal with Christina being upset too.
And she'll be a constant reminder of them because she's sure to talk about them as much as she does now.
Even though she hasn't known them long.
She'll still talk about them plenty.
And.....gah, it sucks.
It just sucks so much.
Because I can't.....I can't stand the thought of loosing too of my best friends.
Who will I call when I want to pull a prank on halloween?
Who will go along with my craziest of schemes and won't get pissy because I don't quite like their ideas because they aren't evil enough?
WHO will ever replace them?
No one.
No one ever will.
I don't want anyone too.
But I do want someone.
But I need this someone to be different.
And yet simuliar.
Which is......impossible.
Possible, but impossible.

And.....I'm still dealing with Tany being gone.
It's not as bad for me as it is for Ali.
But I'm in pain because she's in pain.
Because I miss her too.
And.....how am I going to do this?
How am I going to be strong?
Be that rock she leans on?
How can I do that when I'll be crying myself to sleep and wishing to just crawl under a rock and hide away?
How can I deal with this AND the pain of the one year mark of putting Sammy to sleep?

Isn't it bad enough that a couple of nights ago I lay in bed thinking about him and cried?
Isn't it bad enough that I'm crying now? Over nothing and everything?
I just....I wish I knew what to do.
But in the end, all I can do is love them and make sure they know that I'll always love them.
As for the Sammy thing.
It's difficult but I'm dealing.
Because he was my best friend too.
My very first best friend.



XOXO,
Dollface.