Hello World.

"-Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll.."

Dunno, the song's been on repeat all morning(Well, at least for the part of the morning that I've been awake and at home and not at home and asleep and not at work.)
Came home from work early again today because I wasn't feel good.
Amanda and Justin are really good boss' for being so understanding.
Sucks I had to leave them so short-handed.
We were already short handed to begin with.
But it was either come home or double over in pain and be pretty much useless.
Missing Brian and he hasn't even left yet.
Been reading Ali's blog.
The fight......ugh, there are no words to discribe it.
Yes, I was being a bitch, I'm fully aware of it.
Do I regret it?
Barely.
There's some small part of me that keeps yelling at me for it.
But the rest is just kinda numb, like......'whatever happens, happens'
It's not that I don't care.
It's just that I see myself on that little path that I always end up on at some point.
It's like I take wrong turn and trip and fall and find myself wandering down it.
It's that path of self-distruction.
Not the one where I was like all depressed.
No, I've only ever been on that one once in my entire life.
No, this path is the one where when things start looking really good in my life and things I can't control start falling apart I start ripping the things I can control apart to save my self the agony of watching them slip away.
So it's kinda like...my life was going really good, then crap I can't control started going horribly wrong and so it's just kinda like instead of letting my friends slip away from me I'm just distroying what's there.
I don't want too.
It's never my desire too.
I'll admit, there's one friendship that is ending.
Has ended.
I can't keep dealing with Ashley.
No more, I complained when she did all this crap to me.
But doing it to Kare-bear?
Doing the one thing that everyone knows gets you on my badside?
No, I won't allow it.
I think apart of the problem is so much is changing in my life.
Some for the better, some for the worse.
Like, I have this job that while I'm there the day seems to drag on(Not all the time, but some of the time) But then next thing I know the week is gone and I'm starting all over and now I'm wondering "Where has the month of May gone?."
Which is going to come in handy as soon as Brian's really gone, because I can just bury myself in work and work lots of overtime this summer and the summer will fly by so quick I won't have time to miss him too much...or worry too much.
Thought about him alot when I was at work.
I wonder if somethings wrong.
Usually when I think about someone alot, I either miss them a whole bunch, or I'm worried and something's wrong.
Like...I've been known to get these feelings.
It's difficult to explain but anyways, about the things changing in my life.
I'll be seventeen soon and it feels weird knowing that I won't be joining my friends that graduated this year(I.E. Not going to college this fall)
I kinda feel this ache in my chest when I think about it.
I feel like I'm going to miss out on alot.
And then....there's the thing with Preston and then this thing currently going on with mom that could result in us having to go to court and crap.
And I just...ugh....I don't want to deal with this.
But I don't have a choice.
The worse part is my mom is hurting and there's nothing I can do about it.
Apart of me thinks it's time I finally sit her down and show her all those posts from when I was all depressed but I'm worried that'll only make matters worse.
But I'm finally ready to show them too her, whenever she's ready to read them.
Which could result in me being grounded or something, I don't know.
I really ought to sign on to MSN, Ali might be on.
Don't have the guts to do it.
Well, no that's not true.
I'm worried, worried because it might result in another arguement and this one is likely to be worse.
Yes, friends fight.
But......I can't lose her too.
Like last night after she logged off, I just sorta glanced through Tany's blog.
I haven't been able to do that.
Because like...I came back from being grounded and she was just gone.
And I couldn't bring myself to read the posts she'd made while I was grounded.
I read a few last night.
Commented on one or two.
And then after she logged off, I so wanted to just sign it with a simple "Told you I was a horrible friend."
That would have probably sealed it.
Sealed the deal on the distruction thing.
But as much as I felt the need to do that, I resisted because I don't want to do that.
I don't want to be forced to start a new in a place in my life where things don't need to start over.
As I mentioned before, It's something I have to do when it comes to the Ashley thing.
This summer, starting in June I shall only work one sunday a month in kids church with kare-bear.
And then at the end of the summer we're both quitting being a Junior helper.
Ms. Cari is being very understanding.
Crap, still worried about that.
I bet she's still pissed.
Ugh *head/desk*
Just what I needed to think of.
Dad's home, should probably go downstairs and let him know i'm awake...ah, but he's moving the truck around and I just heard him talking to a man outside...wonder what's going on.
Shall need to go check it out.
Feeling better now but I've still got a migrane.
Or however in the friggin' hell it's spelled.

"Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh"



XOXO,
Dollface.