Complications.

Can't anything ever just go right?
Why is it that anytime I think my life is going to be simple and happy it just kinda....falls apart?
Life was stressful, but I had those glimmers of moments that were just so happy and so amazing that I thought "Life sucks right now, but as long as this one light is there, accented by those few others that have always been there, then I'll be okay."
And nothing's really changed the lights are still there.
But now there are opitions.
Opitions I no longer want.
Opitions I don't need.
At one point in time not to long ago I would have loved to have these opitions.
But now?
Oh no, please just no.
I'm happy, Brian makes me happy.
So why can't it be just that simple
Just this next year being:
Work, roleplay, blog, watch TV, read, look forward to letters/emails from Brian, Responding to said letters (Hit repeat)
Go to church, go to lunch, go to home depot, come home, roleplay, blog, watch tv, read, look forward to letters/emails from Brian-etc- (Hit Repeat)
HIT REPEAT.
HIT REPEAT.
HIT REPEAT.
HIT REPEAT.

Why can't it justt be like that?
And then have him come back and have us make places to see each other around my birthday and just be happy together? to just live in the moments that we can be together?.
But no.
Life can't be that simple.
No, Aaron who I knew i'd writting to this summer.
Quite literally grew up.
He added some new photos of him on his myspace today.
And he's grown up.
He no longer has those semi-childish features that you sometimes have up until your college years.
He has the look of a man, not a boy, a man.
It's scary, but oh-my-gosh. He's so friggin' sexy it's not even FUNNY.
And then mom was pointing out some stuff about Ethan and I'm just like "Crap, I don't want these opitions, I don't want these two guys who I've basically given up to be interested. I want life to just be like 'Oh hey, look. I found this amazing guy and these other guys? yeah them? we're friends. But that's okay because I'm happy like this, me and Brian are happy like this."
And....things could still be like that.
But it's a little harder to believe now.
I was so happy.
I was happy with being a little annoyed at mom everytime she'd call Brian my "sweetie" at work.
I was happy with feeling this blush creep into my cheeks everytime she brought him up to my coworkers.
I was happy with coming home and talking to him, even if it's only for a little while and in my mind it really isn't long enough but I'm dealing it with it because he's spending time with other people who matter to him and that's important to.
I was happy.
Stressed, worried, anxious.
But happy.
And now...I'm more stressed and more worried and more....grr.
I just...I want things to be good.
Literally good.
In a way I want an escape route.
But it's not the kind of a escape route that your thinking.
It's the kind of escape route that in my mind isn't a bad thing.
I want the "Your the person I come to no matter what's wrong, no matter how horrible I feel and you make me feel better, your my escape when I feel like I don't have one."
Not the "Oh, I'm in a horrible situation and instead of trying to make things right I want an easy way out and who cares who gets hurt?."
ugh.
Headache.
Tired.
Thrilled to be able to spend lots of time talking to Brian tomorrow.
Need to sleep.
Need to dream.
Hopefully good dreams.
Dreams that'll make me be like 'YAY! (;"
Not "Boo )':"
Lmao, I am so strange.



XOXO,
Dollface.