Ugh, this sucks.

I feel it.
Already I'm beginning to feel the worry.
I actually feel sick.
Part of it is due to the fact that I forgot to remind mom to take me to the cherpracter to get my back worked on and so the migrane has flared up again.
Another part is related to that I woke up this morning with a stuffy nose and another sore throat.
But what's really causing all the problems?
Stress.
The stress of the situation with mom.
The stress of the thing with my brother.
The stress of work in general, our busy season offically begun this weekend, twell likely be busy as hell constantly.
The stress of knowing Brian leaves tomorrow to go do some more training before he ships out for Iraq.
The stress of knowing that Aaron leaves this saturday to do some more training for the Army.
And then there's the stress of having not heard from my other friend in the Army, Brendan.
Luckily for me I know he's only in basic training.
So to my knowlage he won't be shipped off any time soon.
Plus Levi(Ethan's older brother) will be graduating from Annapolis soon.
And Ethan leaves for Annapolis in a few weeks.
Seems like everyone I know is leaving for something.
And only one has promised to come home.
But that's okay.
Because the one that promise is the one that'll be in the most dangerous situation.
I swear I'll kick his ass if he doesn't come home to me.

So the worry has just begun.
And it'll get better.
Once I hear from Brian the first time after he leaves, I'll calm down a little more.
Once I hear from Aaron the first time I'll calm down a bit more.
Once the signs of summer begin to vanish I'll begin to calm down only to be extremely worried all over again.
Because just as summer begins to vanish, my birthday shall approch either to fast for my tastes or not fast enough.
And what shall quickly follow that is the knowlage that Brian is offically leaving for Iraq.
That knowlage will surely be what keeps me up at night, on the verge of tears everytime I hear of something involving the war on the news, the thing that'll surely mess up my eating habbits more than they already are.

Yes, the other day when mom unloaded on me?
That was the offical beginning of messed up eating habbits.
Just before that I'd had some minor problems with ordering too much because I felt that hungry only to discover I wasn't.
But I had quickly overcome it just the day before and then mom started talking.
Talking because I needed to know.
Talking because she had to tell someone besides dad.
Talking because she knew I was the only one who'd be able to pull my brother aside and tell him exactly what was happening.
And even as she spoke, I'd found my self chewing a little slower.
My need for food slipping away.
And my hand lowering as I put my food down on the paper and felt tears well up.
All I could do was nod in understanding.
I was too shocked, too worried to think of something to say.
Yet alone the right thing to say.
After she'd gotten up to head back to work, I attempted eating a little more.
Hating to waste the food that I knew we worked hard to prepare daily for customers and for our co-workers.
But also hating to have wasted the money on it if I wasn't going to eat it.
In the end I'd headed back to work, my happiness and joy of earlier that morning still there enough that I thought with a little time I could be happy and jumpy again and that I wouldn't have to face my worries and my fears until I got home.
Of course, I was wrong.
Horribly wrong.

But since then I've found my stomach growling to the point my stomach hurts from hunger, and yet not in the slightiest bit interested in eating.
Knowing I should eat and attempting to.
Only to find my hands shaking like that are now.
Finding my stomach still hurting from hunger but also not too happy with what I'm feeding it.
Nothing's that appealing.
I'll find a thing or two that appeals and the first few bites help but then, I end up leaving half of it on my plate.
And so, I find myself nibbling at a trail-mix breakfest bar.
Annoyed at the wifi which is refusing to work(I'm writting this in wordpad)
And listening to music that is in a way helping to calm me.
But only barely.
Just calming enough that I'm managing to force myself to eat without feeling like I'm going to puke even as my stomach growls for more.
I wonder how much weight I'll lose or gain this time.



XOXO,
Dollface.

(Written at 4 PM, it's currently 5:56 PM.)