"Goodbye, my hopeless dream"

Mom woke me up at 7 AM.
All I wanted to do was curl back up, because I was so warm under the covers.
But I knew I had to get out of bed.
I realized I had a headach as I made my way over to my CD player.
So I was automatically in a bad mood.
I hardly got any sleep last night even though I was dead tired.
Went to church.
Nearly fell asleep every time I blinked.
I ate a decent amount at lunch and then we went into San Antonio.
On the drive there I fell asleep for like ten or fifthteen.
Bass pro shop was pretty boring, which is odd."
I started feeling sick while we were there.
But I started feeling better after we left the store.
We drove over to the mall and did some looking around.
We made some plans to go christmas shopping in a little over a week.
Went to Spencers.
I got a Twilight poster and got Tyler's christmas gift.
And there was this one guy in there.
Who was really, really hott.
Like, Taylor hott.
He was native american too.
And he was probably 18 or 19.
And like we kept bumping into each other.
And this one time I was trying to get past him and he turned around and his hand accidently brushed against my ass.
And I think I giggled when he apologized for bumping into me and I was just like "It's okay."
I didn't get to talk to him though, cause dad was there.
So I'm hoping when we go back for christmas shopping that he'll be there.
But like I seriously needed that.
Because I kept seeing guys with pale skin and brown hair and most of them had girlfriends, so it just kept making me think of Aaron.
Which hurt.
And then I saw him and it was like BAM!
I felt better.
I think it's because he has an awesome smile.
And smiles are contagious.
Either way,
I really, really needed that.
So then we went to Sams club.
And I was okay until we went to check out.
We got the same guy that we've gotten like everytime we've gone in there for the past six months.
And I used to not mind seeing him.
But today, it was just like. "F*ck, go away."
Because he's a cross between my cousin Kenneth and Aaron.
But he looks a bit more like Aaron than Kenneth.
It never used to bother me.
And maybe in another two or three months, it won't bother me anymore.
But today, I didn't need that.
I needed to see new people.
People who smiled.
So I slept a little bit on the way home.
Now I'm sitting in bed.
Talking to my sick wife.
Listening to the playlist I put together last night with her help.
Just kinda....chilling out.
I know, I'll be okay.
I know that someday, this won't hurt.

But right now, I'm just kinda....
Not me.
Not happy.
Not pissed.
I'm just someone who's lost.
But I'll find my way again.
It won't be so hard.
I mean, it's not like this is a surprise.
I always knew the day would come.
I always knew my dreams of him were just that, dreams.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. The blog before this is a quote from Breaking Dawn, and the quote in the title of this blog is from the song "Almost Lover" - A fine frenzy.

"Life sucks and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky."

Sometimes.

Sometimes, it's easier to just be quiet and not say anything.
Sometimes, silence isn't something you choose.
Sometimes, you fall for someone.
Sometimes, that someone falls for you.
And sometimes, hearts get broken.

And you can never look back.
He didn't have to go into detail for me to know the truth.
He didn't have to try to let me down easy.
Sometimes, a person just knows when it's time to give up.
But sometimes, the only way to give up is to be broken.

My life can come crashing down,
as soon as you let me go.
My heart can fall apart,
as soon as you tear my world to shreds.
The day you say good-bye.
Will be the day that I die.

So yeah, I'm just sitting here.
Writting songs, to discribe how I'm feeling.
The words in pink happen to be taken from one of those songs.
I'm kinda....torn.
But when am I not?.
For now, I'll just sit here, listen to music and write.


Playlist:

1. Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
2. Inconsolable - The Backstreet Boys
3. Say Anything - Marianas Trench
4. Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata
5. The Hit Parade - Unkle Bob
6. Divine Intervention - Taking Back Sunday
7. Never Think - Rob Pattinson
8. Wake Up - Coheed and Cambria
9. When Did You Heart Go Missing - Rooney
10. Seven Days Of Lonely - I Nine



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I just thought of a quote that seriously fits.

"Ever."

So, like we were walking out of homedepot.
And Tony was out in the parking lot and I pointed a finger at him and I was like.
"Have you gone to see Twilight yet?."
And he kinda smiled and was like "Heh Heh, no."
So I lowered my glasses and titled my head downwards so I giving him this look over the rim of my sunglasses and before I could say anything mom was like.
"Well, then. You never be cold, dead and sparkly. Ever."

It was totally hilarious, and the look on his face was a cross between being like "WTF" and laughing.
Anyways, I was laughing so hard and I told mom "That was a good one"
And she was like "Well, it sounded like something you'd say, so I said it before you could."
And that made me start laughing again, hell even dad was laughing.
Of course, he has seen Twilight.



XOXO,
Dollface.

I LOVE GERMAN GAY GUYS!

"[Alicia] says:
WRITE IN YOUR BLOG."

So yeah, my wife just told me to write in my blog.
So I'm writting in my blog.

Ready to laugh?


"ccscleader15:
So what would you like to do my dear?
karmasbadside:
I would like to shoot this one girl in her foot. And roleplay. But if I shoot the girl, I might go to jail, and we won't be able to roleplay. D:
ccscleader15:
Okay.
ccscleader15:
How about I shoot the girl in the foot and we roleplay while the cops try and fail to find me?
karmasbadside:
Haha, that works too.
ccscleader15:
*Shoots the girl in the foot* AND THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR ANNOYING/PISSING OFF ONE OF MY FRIENDS YOU ANNOYING LITTLE PAIN IN THE ASS
karmasbadside:
Woot! She is annoying too. ^_^
ccscleader15:
Muwhahahahaha. That's one less annoying foot in the world.
ccscleader15:
Tee Hee."


"Amy says:
Shall I just get you a "Team Edward" shirt?
Ty-bear says:
NO NO NO NO NO"

"Amy says:
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: but once, keshyr was trying to...change a lightbulb
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: but he was too short
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: so he got a chair
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and stood on it
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and he was still too short
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: so dominik was like laughing at him
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and he had like the new lightbulb in his hands
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and he got so mad he THREW it at dominik XD
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: but it missed and like shattered against the wall
[14:23] x roxy BOXY: and then he was like "YOU get to clean it up since it was YOUR fault"
[14:23] x roxy BOXY: and dominiks like "WTF YOU ALMOST KILLED ME WITH IT"
[14:23] x roxy BOXY: and keshyrs like "I DONT CARE CLEAN IT UP" haha
Amy says:
That seriously made me LOL
[Alicia] says:
It's not that funny.
But amusing.
I think it'd be funnier if I actually saw something like that happen.
Actually, sounds like something me and Tan would do.
Hm.
Amy says:
Well, I can imagine it happening.
[Alicia] says:
I didn't know we were all gay.
Amy says:
I KNOW!
I WAS LIKE
"OMG THAT SOUNDS LIKE MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER"
[Alicia] says:
XD
Amy says:
And then you signed on
[Alicia] says:
Now see, this is a funny conversation.
Amy says:
and I was like "YAY"
[Alicia] says:
"I didn't know we were all gay." "I know! I was like 'That sounds like my wife and daughter!'
Sounds like a dog show moment.
You remember, right?When tan puked on that kid at the dog show and it was so random?
Dog show moment.
F*ck, I should urban dictionary that."


Everything that was posted above is taken from real live converstations that happened today.

And yeah.
I don't know what else to blog about.
Um...I'm feeling better now that I'm actually able to eat.
We might be going shopping tomorrow or sunday.
Tyler got me a christmas present so I have to get him one.
Mom's pissed because Walmart.com was being lame.
And that's all for now.




XOXO,
Dollface.

Can this day get any worse?

So, you know how on myspace they have that "Own Your Friends" app.
Well, this one girl kept buying Aaron from me but I just kept buying him back, anyways.
She bought me and I went to look at her "Own Your Friends" profile cause like you can see all the comments she posts and stuff.
And she's like talking about how Aaron's her boyfriend and stuff.
I don't know if it's true or not.
His myspace still says he's single but now I seriously feel like crying.
I have half the mind to put on "our" song.
But I know that'd just make me feel worse, even though that song is the kind of music I feel like listening to right now.
What if he is dating her?
What if he just hasn't felt like telling me even though we're really good friends?
What if he just hasn't felt like he has to change his status on myspace?
What if this entire time I thought he was just busy with work and that's why he wasn't talking to me wasn't actually the case? What if he just isn't talking to me because his girlfriend doesn't want him too?
I have half the mind to call him, to see what's going on.
But I'm not sure I could handle it.
I'm not sure I could sound happy for him if he is dating her.
I'm not sure I could keep the tears from falling.
I'm not sure I wouldn't just curl into a ball and stop talking the moment he confirmed that they were dating.
I'm not sure I could stand to hear the panic in his voice if he heard my ragged breathing on the line, if he heard me sobbing.
I'm seriously on the verge of tears.

I mean, I suppose I shouldn't feel this way.
It's not like he's interested in me romantically or anything.
But I did fall in love with him over the summer.
And I'm still totally and helplessly in love with him, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I've told him how I felt, including how I didn't want how I felt to mess up our friendship.
Because in the event he didn't feel the same way, I still wanted to be friends.
I thought I could handle it if he got a girlfriend.
I thought I could just sit back and smile like I did when Tyler told me he'd started dating Liz three weeks after me and him broke up.
I thought I'd be able to fake a smile and tell him how happy I was that he's happy, even though I know he can see through my lies.
But even though he'd be able to see through the lie, I honestly think he would have pretended to believe me just to make it easier on me.

Now I'm sick to my stomach, like how I was when I was worried about Aaron's safety because of the hurricane.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
But this time if I do it's not because I'm sick with a virus.
It's because I've probably just managed to permantly lose the only guy I've truly loved since me and Tyler broke up.

The only way this day could get any worse is if Aaron confirmed that him and this girl are going out, that would seriously make this day worse.
Perhaps him telling me he was never EVER interested in me romantically would make it worse too.
I'm just....
I'm just trying to ignore this pain I'm feeling.
I'll have to call him and ask about it sometime.
I'm just not sure when I'll be able to do that.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Twice.

So, I just read the comment Gowri posted complaining about how I didn't blog yesterday and I had to blog twice today.
Seriously, if I felt better I would laugh.
But I'm afraid I don't feel better, so I'm not laughing.
Anyways.
You got the second blog like you wanted, sweetie.


Gah, my head is like killing me.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. Perhaps when I feel better I can make up for this crappy blog post. Lol.

Sick.

So I have this virus that's going around.
Mom has it too.
I puked for the first time at about 9 o'clock and then proceeded to puke every thirty minutes to an hour until 3:30 AM at which point I puked for the last time and was finally able to go to sleep. I then proceeded to wake up every five or ten minutes from 6 am until 8 am, at which point I gave up on sleeping and just laid in bed.
Almost threw up again a couple of times.
The only thing I've had today is a coke and I just started on a bottle of water.
Thanksgiving is being put off until me and mom feel better.
This is the first time I've been on the computer today.
I still feel really, really crappy.
But at least I feel well enough to get on here and see how my friends are doing.
Anyways, I slept from like 9 AM until like 12:52 PM.
Had a doctors appointment at 2:15 PM.
Got a bunch of pills and stuff but haven't had the guts to take any of them just in case it just makes me sick again.

So, yeah.
I'm going to go read Ali's blog and possibly check my e-mail and myspace.
I might even get on MSN, but it's all going to depend.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Sleepy hollow.

Really worried about Ali.
Just read her new blog.
Christina did spend the night.
It was fun.
I'm still really tired though.
Have to go to work with Dad tomorrow, possibly on wednesday too.
Thursday I'm helping mom cook 'cause it's thanksgiving.
Mom's currently playing cashflow and I'm writting a book.
We're going to watch a movie later.
Christina left New Moon here so I've been typing up what happens and sending it to her.
Bought the Twilight soundtrack yesterday, I love it.
I feel like I'm in rush that's why I'm typing the way I am.
That's why I'm typing without a lot of details.
So yeah.
Also got a C&C cd yesterday.
Got to hug Karl.
Helped to put up some chrismas decorations at church.
Still need to finish decorating here at home.
And yeah...
That's about it.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Perfect days can't last forever can they?.

So, I woke up this morning to the sound of my mom talking on the phone to Victoria and I was rather up set about Christina not spending the night.
But then as it got closer to time for Christina to come I started to get really, really excited.
Me and Christina rambled about the books and what we thought the movie would be like and about the charactors and the actors and we even discussed a few other random things.
Me and her both needed this.
We both needed to just be normal teenagers.
She's having some major problems at home.
And I think I'm finally over all of mine.
Even with the two deaths recently.
I'm still doing pretty good.

The movie was amazing.
Given there were some things that could have been better.
And to be perfectly honest I wouldn't be blogging about this right now, if it wasn't for the fact I think Ali will need to laugh sometime this week.
Anyways, they did add some lines that were in the movie, some of my most favorite parts would have to be the baseball scene.
The scene where Bella comes to the Cullens house for the first time because the familys cooking itailian food and Rosalia is holding this salad and she's like.
"Do we know if she's even itailian?"
And Emmett shrugs and answers with "Well, her name is Bella."
Also I love the scene when Bella goes to lunch for the first time because Mike sits beside her and Eric's like "Oh I see you met my girl, Bella."
So Mike is like "Oh your girl?"
And then Tyler pops out of no where and goes "My girl" and kisses her on the cheek before Mike jumps up and chases him across the room.

Okay, I think I'd better shut up now since they haven't seen the movie yet.
BUT.
GOOD NEWS WIFEY!
Taylor's wig doesn't look as lame in the movie as it does in the photos!

There's still a small chance that Christina will spend the night tomorrow, but we don't know yet.
Her mom wants to think about it over night and she'll call us in the morning.

*Deep breath*
Alright, time to come down off this high.
Time to push all the happiness and the hyperness to the back of my mind.
Because Ali needs me.
I know she'll probably feel bad about quote "ruining my day" but she's not ruining it.
However, I need to ignore the hyperness I feel so I can help her.
I know how she feels.
I've lost loved ones like that, who are hardly knew.
But this isn't about me.
This is about the friend I wasn't here for today.
About how if I had my passport I'd probably fly to vancouver to see her.
How I'm going to do whatever is in my power to support her.
I'll talk about whatever she wants to talk about.
I'll do what she wants to do.
I'll basically just be all I can be without it being awkward.
So, Ali.
I'm here for you okay?.
And I want you to know that I was thinking about you alot today.
Like I talked about you and Gowri alot.
Mainly you, but that's because of the whole "Husband/Wife" thing.
So, just know you on my mind and I'll be praying for you.
And my parents are really sorry for your loss too.

I love you, I love you very, very much.


XOXO,
Dollface.

Twilight!!!!

Okay, so last night when I told Gowri I wasn't going to watch Twilight today it was true.
However our plans changed.
So we're going to see the first showing of the day!!!
I'm so excited.
A little disappointed because there's a chance that Christina can't spend the night.
But mom and dad say she can.
It just depends on rather or not Victoria* will let her.
So, I may have to do some serious begging today.


XOXO,
Dollface.



* Isn't it ironic that her mother is named Victoria?.
** And isn't it even more ironic that Christina got Bella on that quiz?
*** And isn't it extremely ironic that her father is named Charles?(Charlie as a nickname)
**** Yup, I live a very, very strange life.

Fun, fun, funny.

So I was talking to Ali today and we were discussing what she wanted for christmas and she told me to surprise her.
My idea is to make her a t-shirt that says basically what that picture says.
I seriously might do that. I don't know,
I'll have to wait and see what I can find at the store and stuff.













So I kind of feel like being random, so I'm making all these funny pictures like that one. I can't wait to see how the spoof on twilight and POTC turns out. It should be funny.






And I kinda just did this one because I felt like doing something that involved
"Skinny Jeans" Hopefully, all of these will make my friends laugh.


And I did this one simply because last time Christina came to spend the night we danced in the rain and I sang "Beat It" while I stabbed a cactus.....And yes, I was wearin a bikini.







Yeah.
I'll let y'all guess what the story behind this one is. LOL.









XOXO,
Dollface.

Human moment.

So like, I'm having one of those "OMG" moments.
I was reading the twilight interviews that are on Seventeen.com to my mom and I was talking about how cool Jackson sounded and stuff and I was like "Huh, I wonder how old he is."
So I got on IMDB and looked at his profile and I was like "OMG"
Because he's born in december of 1984.
Which makes him my match....TWICE.
Because he's a Sagittarius and a Rat.
And those are both signs that I'm suppose to be able to have a great relationship with.
And he's eight years older than me.
And my dad is eight years older than my mom.
And my mom and dad only match on the Zodiac years.
So I'm like "Whoa."
And! I'm a Water Monkey and he's a Wood Rat which means that when it comes to business we go well together.
Also what's funny is my mom thinks I haven't met the guy I'll be with forever yet and I've been talking about going out to california after Culinary Art School and becoming a personal Chef and I had half-teasingly, half-seriously told Ali, I wanted to be a Chef for Rob.
But like the more interviews I read and stuff I'm like. "Huh, Jackson would be fun to work for."
And then we have this whole zodiac match thingy going.

So yeah I need like a human moment to just like jump around and be like "OMGOMGOMGOMG"
Of course, knowing my luck. He isn't single, I won't meet him, oh and he won't want a personal chef.

Oh also, I found out that Kellan's favorite website is addictinggames and I was like "Omg, I play games on there like all the time" and then I realized that I might have even played against him in one of them before and I was like "Whoa."
Oh and Kellan loves Sonic which is awesome.
And Rob's favorite website is youtube so I'm sitting like. "I wonder if he's seen any of my vids on youtube..."
Speaking of that.

I'm working on doing a spoof with my friends.
It's probably going to be a spoof on Sweeney Todd, Twilight, Pirates Of The Carribbean and Harry Potter....MAYBE Artimis Fowl.
Also I'm toying with the idea of making dance videos to songs by different artists and posting them on youtube.
*Shrugs*
We'll see where it takes me.

GREAT NEWS!
CHRISTINA GETS TO GO SEE TWILIGHT WITH ME THIS WEEKEND!
Unless like something major happens.


Anyways, I miss my wife!....or should I say wives?.
Hahahahahahahaha.....yeah, Ali's is so going to yell at me for that.
SORRY HONEY!.
I LOVERS YOU!.



But anyways, yeah.
It's more than just the Zodiac thing.
I mean he was saying how he couldn't fuction without his family and stuff.
And I was like "Wow, someone who'd understand the way I am about family."
And like there's just a bunch of stuff about him that interests me.
Like the going to places when they have an "Open Mic-Night" and singing and going to karaoke places and stuff, I mean that's the kind of thing I'd love to do.
And then he really likes music.
AND HE'S EVEN LIVED IN TEXAS BEFORE!
So yeah, I don't know. But I think it'd be hilarious if I ever met him.
Like not hilarious as in "LMAO" but hilarious like "Whoa! we have so much in common, hahaha."
Or something.
I don't know.
So..perhaps someday it'll happen. *shrugs*




XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? *Looks at Gowri and Ali*

Wow, I'm in rush. Lol.

Just watched 13 Going On 30.
And they played one of my favorite songs that I have on CD but like it's on one of those CD's I got for free for being a subscriber to Seventeen magazine back in like '06 or '07.
So it's one of those CD's I rarely listen to.
So I looked up the soundtrack and got the song and found it on youtube.
The song would happen to be "Will I Ever Make It Home" - Ingram Hill.
My BFF's grandma is in the hospital.
So mom's freaking out.
And I'm worried about Christina.

Went to Walmart yesterday.
Bought 13 Going On 30 and Sleepy Hollow. You know the one Tim Burton directs? Yeah that one.
Also bought a couple of DVD's for this secert santa thing I'm in.
And yeah.
Mom's on the phone with Christina's mom.
So I think I'm gonna go, I'll probably get on my messengers soon.
Oh and I didn't get to watch all of the TRL thing so I'm hoping MTV has it online because I really wanted to watch the whole thing.
But I did see the part where Nelly, Ludacris and Snopp Dogg were singing.


XOXO,
Dollface.

Together again.

I'm about to sign into my messengers.
I'm toying with the idea of turning on the TV.
I'm also stuck on the desktop because mom and dad are doing this lesson thingy on the laptop.
Hence why I'm not on my messenger's yet, cause the computer is like totally slow and if I have more than two internets up it gets even slower, so when I'm done blogging I'll get on meebo and sign in to stuff.

So church was awesome except for Ashley almost having a nervous break-down.
But other than that it was good.
Ashley's finally ungrounded so Laice went to church with her.
And WAH-LA!
The group was together again.
Female only group: Me, Ashley, Karrie & Laice.
Both genders: Me, Ashley, Arthur, Karrie, Laice, Oliver & Victor.

So yeah, it was awesome, we had a couple of group hugs however A&O avoided said group hugs which annoys me. But oh well.
Um...lets see.
Laice wants to go to San Antonio and hang out for her birthday but she has to get premission and then she's gonna call me, Ashley and Karrie and see if we can set up a weekend to just be.......girls.
Basically, being girls includes but is not limited to:
Trying on expensive prom dresses and taking photos of us in said dresses.
Possible buying clothes, shoes, make-up, etc.
Watching a movie.
Going out to dinner and/or lunch.
Singing at random.
Dancing at random.
Going to starbucks.
Chatting about boys.
Flirting with boys.
Getting boys numbers.
and
Going into stores we'd normally never shop at just to try on some crazy outfit and get a picture in said outfit.

And as I said, that list includes what will probably be done but we'll probably do like twenty million other insane things.
Hell, we might even make a spoof on Twilight while we're at it.
Just kidding.
Me and Ashley are the only one's who've read Twilight, so it wouldn't work out very well unless we all saw the movie then made the spoof.

OH! Speaking of that.
It's been decided that Karrie is the most Bella-ish person in church due to how clumsy she is.
Which is hilarious because she's the model not us.
But anyways, my poor Kare-bear fell on face on the way to gym(Or in gym, I don't remember)
And she kept triping on her feet like all week and then today in church she bumped into this counter top and hurt her shoulder.

So yeah, she's like Bella in that department.
Oh and she's short.
But that's okay, because she's my Kare-bear and I love her no matter what.

Hmm....what else.
Ms. Cari and Mr. Carl were ordained or something like that.
Which is a good thing appearently.
Because we through a party in church.
OH! and Ms. Cari is thrilled to have new lights in her office because now her office no longer looks like a cave.
I mean seriously I walked in there and was like blinded because the light was so much brighter than what I'm used to.

And that's all I can think of.
So.....



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I'm thinking about calling Aaron, I haven't heard from him in like two weeks and that has me worried.

"You see, Bella, I was always that boy."

So last night while I was in the shower I was thinking about how the day before Joe's Memorial service I'd told Channing that I didn't see the point in getting friends to help keep me sane and stuff because I said some part of me realizes that even if I do, it won't be the help I want.

That is not to say that I do not want my friends help.
It's just that sometimes you reach a problem in life or a point in life when the help you want changes.
While up until that point you were perfectly content with crying on a friends shoulder.
Once you hit this point your feelings change.
You still love your friends to death.
You still know they'll be there when you need them.
But sometimes you don't literally need them.
Sometimes you need someone else.
Like you still need them but....things change.
Like....gah, I know this is totally confusing to you guys.
It's even confusing me.
Because I'm not explaining how I would like to because I'm not sure how to explain it the way I want it explained.

So lets try this again.
The quote I have for the title of my blog is taken from Eclipse.
Edward says the line after Bella says how she wasn't going to be the girl who got married right after High school.
(You'd have to read the Twilight Saga to understand)
Anyways.
The help I wanted, the shoulder I wanted to have avalible for me to cry on, the person whose arms I wanted to cry myself to sleep in.
Was not the help of a friend.
Was not the shoulder of a friend.
Nor was it the arms of a friend that I longed for.

Had, I had it my way.
It would have been the help of a lover who kept me sane during a time when I would have quite enjoyed just losing myself in the sorrow I felt.
Maybe enjoyed is the wrong word.
But for once in my life I was no afraid of the pain.
I was willing to be in pain.
Because the world had lost a great man.

You see, I've always been that girl.
That girl who's a hopeless romantic.
That girl who blushs at the idea of a big wedding.
That girl who's never been girly but always loved playing the part of the princess.
That girl who honestly hates the idea of never finding the guy that completes her.
That girl who knows she's going to bawl her eyes out if she ever gets married when it's time to say good-bye to her father.
That girl who's a daddy's girl.
That girl who can be totally immature and emotional.
That girl who sometimes thinks she was born in the wrong time frame.
That girl who doesn't want kids.
That girl who has almost always dreamed of finding that guy who's touch she could not live without.

That's me.
And what I really wanted that day I found out Joe had died was for that guy from my imagination to show up and see me on the verge of tears and take the computer from me, set it aside, pull me into his arms and would just tell me it was okay to cry.
What I wanted was for that guy who wouldn't mind me crying on his shoulder, who'd think I was being silly by apologizing and getting all embarressed because he saw me crying, who'd stay up all night while I cried and not even think twice about having something to do in the morning because all he cared about was that I was okay.

Okay, so yeah.
Channing, your probably going to read this and be like "I could be that guy" or "I am that guy."
And you may be that guy, Channing.
But you are not that guy to me.

And as I thought of all of this in the shower last night a memory popped into my head. One of those memories that I'm surprised I remember since it happened right around the time me and Tyler broke up.

I was at youth group, it was the wednesday after the superbowl. Me, Zach and Jovan were the only people out of about twenty-two in youth group who supported the Patriots.
And Tobin who was thrilled beyond belief that the Giant's had won was taunting and picking on Zach about how bad his team had lost and such.
I don't remember what was said as I stood about five or so feet from the two of them.
I don't remember exactly what Tobin said for Zach to get that look in his eyes and for his fists to ball up at his sides but I remember the look on Zach's face as Tobin laughed and headed over to the pool table that was across the room.
What surprises me was how many things went through my mind during the five seconds it took for me to act.
I remember out of the corner of my eye seeing Tobin's laughing face because what I was focused on was Zach's face.
The way his eyes went from trying to remain calm to suddenly trying to decide if the trouble he'd get into for punching Tobin would be worth it.
I saw how the side that thought the trouble was worth it was winning.
In the back of my mind I saw how easily Zach could have crossed the room and got a punch or two in before anyone had any real time to react.
While I watched his body tense up, I remember in my mind I was thinking about the outcome of a fight, what the bast case cenerio was and the worst. I could easily see that it would take a lot to stop him now that he was so pissed. Some part of me acknogled that no one else seemed to realize how serious the look on his face was. Some part of me acknogled that no one else would be brave enough to try to calm him down while his fists were clenching and unclenching and without thinking I'd crossed the few feet between us and wrapped my arms around him.
I don't remember if I said anything.
I don't remember who'd gasped in surpise.
I don't remember how long the hug lasted.
I don't remember if Jovan was there that night or not.
I don't remember being scared that he'd hurt me if I tried to calm him down.
I don't remember worrying what everyone else would think.
But I do remember was the look on his face, the look in his eyes.
The look that I know so very well.
A look that I've worn so many times before.
A look my mother and father have worn.
A look my brother has worn.
It was that look that told me that if someone didn't do something there would be blood spilled.

I don't really remember why I'd finally stopped hugging him.
But some part of me remembers that I'd felt his tense body relax and only a couple of seconds after I'd felt him relax I'd let him go.
Because I knew the threat was over, for now at least.
I remember when I pulled back and half smiled at him.
His face was slightly comfused like he didn't remember what had happened.
I don't even know if realized I'd be the one hugging him.
If he'd even realized that anyone had hugged him at all.

I remember turning to my left and seeing Amy half reaching out towards me like she was going to pull away from Zach, like maybe she'd seen that look and thought he'd hurt me to get to Tobin.
I remember seeing the look of surprise on the other girls faces.
I remember smiling, raising an eyebrow and saying "What?"
I remember Sarah half-smiling at me even though it was appearent she'd been surprised too.
I don't know if the guys by the pool table saw what happen.
I don't know if Crystal and Tony knew what was going on.
All I know was that he'd calmed down while I hugged him and no one was going to the hospital, the cops weren't going to be called, there wouldn't be restraining orders put into place.

Mom and I both agree that some part of his mind registered that he was being hugged.
But mom thinks the only reason he calmed down was because it was me hugging him.
Her opinion is that he liked me and my touch made him relax, made him think more clearly.
But I have my doubts.
There's a part of me that wonders if one of the other girls had hugged him right then, would he have had the same reaction?.
Or would he have made them let him go so that he could have a go at Tobin?.

Which brings me to something I didn't blog about on November 2nd.
On November 2nd, after church while we were still in the process of picking up the halloween games, there was hardly anyone left in the kitchen and the majority that were there were in other parts of the building and I had walked over to Zach with one arm half way up and I'd smiled nervously and said "Hey Zach, can I have a hug?"
See, I'd always questioned if before he'd only let me hug him because people were around and he couldn't blow me off.
But right then me and him and only one other person was around.
Right then I wish I could have read his mind.
Because he gave me a strange look.
A look that was almost confused before he smirked and held out his arm to me and said. "You may."
And we'd hugged, I smiled and I walked away, returning to the work that still needed to be done.


Yeah, I don't know why I blogged all of that other than the fact that I just felt like it.

So yeah, I've always been a hopeless romantic.
The help I wanted was the help I would not get.
I still don't think it's likely I'll ever get married but my mom begs to differ.
I just don't see how any guy could ever truly love me for me.
I'm a complicated person.
I don't see a guy being able to take the time to understand me.
Oh believe me I want that guy.
That guy who'll complete me, that guy who's like my soulmate.
I just don't know what it's going to take to find him.



XOXO,
Dollface.

"And Amy's rolls on the floor laughing her ass off"

The title of this blog is a quote my mom said today when she'd said something that she thought was funny and I basically ignored her.
So she just walked by and was like "And Amy's rolls on the floor laughing her ass off" and the look on her face along with the words made me LOL.


Anyways, I wanted to post this convo because I think Ali will enjoy it whenever she gets on.



Gowri says:
have you talked to ali yet
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
No
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
I haven't talked to her since she left to go take a shower yesterday
Gowri says:
lol she didnt leave to to take a shower
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
I know
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
But that's what she told me
Gowri says:
lol
Gowri says:
she was going but then they kid napped her
Gowri says:
lol
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
....
Gowri says:
she thought they were coming today
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
THEY KIDNAPPED MY WIFE?!
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
I thought she went willingly!
Gowri says:
lol
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
Now someone will pay!
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
How dare they kidnap my love.
Gowri says:
she was supposed to go on friday
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
It's my job to kidnap her.
Gowri says:
but they came early so it was unexpected
Gowri says:
lol
Gowri says:
calm down dad
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
*Deep breath*
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
I'm clam.
Gowri says:
lol
Gowri says:
her mom said she will be back on saturday or sunday
Gowri says:
plus eventually she will go on the computer
Gowri says:
lol your acting like i was yesterday
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
Lol.
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
It's because I just found out she was kidnapped
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
Now i'm like
Gowri says:
lol
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
"THOSE LAME PEOPLE DARE TO TOUCH MY WIFE?!"
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
Okay, okay
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
I know those lame people are her family and that makes them not lame
ONE MORE WEEK! says:
But if their keeping her away from us then their lame


When Gowri said "Calm down, dad." I couldn't help but grin.
It's kinda like when Ali calls me "Husband."
It makes me happy because even though we're totally teasing and we're in no way married and there's no way she's my daughter, it makes me happy enough that we care about each other enough that we can tease like that and not get offended or anything.

Anyways. I have one more thing to post.




EDWARD MOMENT OF THE DAY:


ONE MORE WEEK! says:
Hmm...I gues this means I need to go hunting before I come to visit.



Lol, yup. I'm starting to sound like a vampire more and more each day.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I found Twilight fan fiction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!YAY!YAY!YAY!YAY!YAY!

ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL THE TWILIGHT MOVIE COMES OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy!
I cannot wait to see it.
I mean seriously.
It's going to be amazing.
Even if Taylor does look funny in a wig.

So, I'm eating lunch.
Chicken Noodle Soup with extra garlic.
And I might eat a salad too.
After I'm done eating I'm gonna go spend an hour or two putting up christmas lights and then I shall return to bug my friends and roleplay.
It's gonna be awesome.

And of course, something else to consider is the fact that Thanksgiving is just around the corner.
Which means tons and tons of cooking.
I can't wait.
I'm thinking about trying out some new recipes I've seen on foodnetwork recently.
But it's all going to depend on rather or not mom will let me.

Also,
I'm about to either force my parents to play cashflow with me or I'm going to ask if I can play the computer verison, because I'm dying to play again.
It's really fun.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I miss my wife.

Better.

"She is too fair, too wise, wisely too fair,
To merit bliss by making me despair:"
- Romeo, Act I Scene I.


So today, while we were out of town and mom was at the library I sat down at one of the tables and pulled down the book entitled "Shakespares complete works" or something like that.
And I began to read Romeo and Juliet.
I barely made it past Act I Scene III.
As soon as I finish Breaking Dawn, I'm going to the library to get Romeo & Juliet and while I'm at it, I think I'll read "A Midnight Summer's dream."

The pain did not come to over take me last night.
It's funny how all day yesterday I'd been on the verge of tears and then when I was ready to cry, the tears wouldn't come. I just kinda layed there listening to the soft music that came out of my speakers as I just....remembered.
Took in all the old memories.
I realize now that I don't have as many memories of him as I would like to have.
But I have enough.
I even managed to crack a couple of smiles last night.
And today I am...better.
Less upset.
More content.
Noticing that silver lining I couldn't see before.
Taking the time to realize that he is in a better place and that one day I'll see him again.
Today is a better day.
And tomorrow will be better than today.

Slowly, ever so slowly I'll mourn less and less over his death and smile more and more.
Today I haven't felt that pain as much.
I felt it creep up on me for a little while.
But then it left.

In the end, I will be okay.



XOXO,
Dollface

P.S. The reason I posted that quote from Romeo and Juliet is because it caught my attention, and I really like it.

Memorial service(furneral)

As the clock neared one PM I could feel the pain slowly creeping up on me.
Could feel the way it longed to devour me, to render me useless.
However I tried to stay calm as it slowly creeped up on me.
On the inside my body was screaming fight it.
But in my mind I knew it was wrong to fight it.
So I stayed as calm as I could as we got into the car and headed to the park.
An outdoor memorial service fit Joe's personailty.
He loved the outdoors.
As we approached the bright blue tent where the service was to be held I heard my mom say "Damn, Amy there's some good looking boys."
And even though my eyes scanned the area, I didn't see what she saw.
All I could see was the friends of Joe who lazed around the tent, waiting for the family to arrive, for the service to begin.
"Where?" I'd asked absent-mindly, to be perfectly honest I could have cared less.
At the exact moment I asked I heard her say. "Damn those uniforms really make a man look good."
I realized what she meant before I saw them.
She was of course referring to the Marines who'd be here to fold the flag, to present it to the family, to read a verse from the bible, to shoot the guns.
After a moment my eyes focused on the three Marines upon which she was referring.
"I suppose so." I'd said, not able to tell how they looked from there nor able to care at the time.
My mom made several comments about them that I responsed to in ways which obivously did not please her as we got out of the car and walked towards the tent.
I call it a tent.
But it wasn't really a tent.
But it was like a tent.
Like a tent without walls.
Like a very big tent.
We signed the guessbook and looked over the photos, did all the usual stuff that goes along with waiting for a memorial service to start and then we all gathered around inside the tent or around the tent as what would happen today was explained.
They explained that Joe wished that he along with his wifes ashes would be spread amongest the llano river via plane.
And we watched as the small plane flew high above and scattered the ashes, flapping it's wings afterwards to show that the mission was done.
As the plane flew they played the Marines song and I couldn't help but crack a smile even as I could feel the tears building, waiting to spill over.
We turned our attention to the veteren who then proceeded to read us a scripture from the bible and present the bible to the oldest living member of the family.
Helen, Joe's sister.
Two of the three Marines approached with practiced percison and picked up the already folded flag and slowly began to unfold it. After it was held out to be viewed the gun shots began to go off and the tears clinged to my lashes almost like they had no desire to fall.
My eyes slid closed as the shots rang out and echoed amongest the hills. I could picture so vivedly in my mind a scene of war and the tears spilled over, running down my cheeks and falling onto my shirt but I did not care.
Soon, the gun fire ceased and the third Marine approached the others, helping them to fold the bullet casings into the flag as they folded it.
They saluted each other several times throughout the whole mess before two of them walked off once again with practiced percison and the other Marine turned his attention to Helen, getting down on one knee and spoke to her about how they wanted her to accept the flag and such, I was too far away to hear exactly what was said.
He handed her the flag and I could hear her say "Thank you" several times and he saluted her before standing and he too, walked away with practiced percison.
Throughout this whole thing all I could think was that Joe deserved every little detail that he got at the memorial service, he deserved nothing less but so much more.
And yet I knew deep down that he wouldn't have wanted more than this.
Kevin, his youngest son had told most of Joe's lifestory.
Of how he was raised, how he raised them, how he served in the Marines, how he had a passion for taking care of customers, had a passion for shoes.
Most of this I already knew, but I heard a few things I did not know.
A man who'd written a poem that Joe liked came up and said the poem he had written.
He explained what Cowboys and Marines have in common, causing me to smile through the tears that wished to fall but didn't.
One of the local preachers spoke.
We were all invited to come out to the hotel to celebrate his life.
Told we'd be cracking open all the champagne bottles he'd received that he'd never opened because he honestly never liked the stuff.
So we'd come home for a few minutes to go to bathroom, put on more comfortable shoes and I had just enough time to E-mail Ali to let her know what was going on.
We headed to the hotel where for the first thirty minutes or so were spent visiting and looking through photos albums, the champagne started to pour, my Father permitted me a sip of his and I was relucant to let it go. It was so much better than wine and also, a part of me really wanted to drown my pain in alcohol just like everyone else would be.
But no, I was the person who was going to be driving home if mom and dad got too drunk.
I was the one who was forced to drink three doctor peppers and one coke as the smell of alcoholic beverages filled the air.
Bottles of beer were cracked open.
Bottles and bottles of champagne was poured.
Mixed drinks were made.
And after a couple of drinks everyone seemed to loosen up.
Everyone seemed to be able to forget the sadness and the pain and just celebrate the life of an amazing and great man.
A man who'd effected us all in positive ways.
And for awhile I was even able to smile and mean it.
I was able to kid around a bit and then I'd take a look at Dad's eyes and see the pain that was barely hidden by the alcohol and remember why we were there.

Tonight many tears shall be shed.
Tonight I shall not fight the pain when it comes to overtake me.
Tonight my family and several other people will mourn the loss of this truly amazing man.
Tonight he will be honored.
Tonight many of us will go to bed remembering the toast that was made to him.
Tonight we will mourn while deep down in our hearts we know he is in a better place and that it was his time to go.

As much as it hurts, as much as we might wish it hadn't of happened.
We will admit that he was ready to leave us.
We will admit that he is much happier now.
We will admit that he wouldn't be happy if he knew how upset we were.

But tonight, we will cry.
And tomorrow many of us will carefully seal away our hearts.
But we will all make sure to never forget Joe Parker.

R.I.P
Joe Parker
10-22-23 to 11-6-08
You will be greatly missed.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Life isn't fair.

Ali going through one of those horrible spells.
You know those ones where you get all restless and stuff.
And I'm like "Well, shit. Of course, it's something I can't help her with."
Just another one of those joys of having a BFF over twenty hours away.
I'm too far away to kidnap her.
Too far away to go shopping for an afternoon.
Too far away to just drag her out of the house for a couple of hours.

And I really don't like that.
It's so unfair.
Of course, life isn't fair.
Is it?.
No, it's diffinately not fair.
If it was I wouldn't be going to a memorial service(Furneral) this afternoon.
So yeah.

It's 10:28 AM.
The service is at one.
My stomach is growling but I don't feel like eating.
I've been up only an hour or so.
Mom thinks she has the flu.
I really, really hope she doesn't.
My brother came by with a couple of movies, so me and mom will probably curl up in her room and watch them.
The tears didn't come last night.
Which means I'll probably be bawling my eyes out at the service.

I wish I knew someone to cheer Ali up.
But all the ways I can think of involve me being there for her.
Like literally there.
Not like there as in there to support her.
But like literally there as in like there in vancouver.
Cause like I'm always there for her, I'm just not always literally there for her.



Wow, that was....confusing.
Anyways,



XOXO,
Dollface.

R.I.P Joe Parker

The shock is still the main factor in my mind.
It's hard to believe that this is happening.
That it happened.
How could one so brave, so strong die?.
We always knew the day would come.
He lived a great life.
Now he's in a better place.
But still there's this pain that's slowly sinking in.
As the shock slowly wears off, this pain will become more pronouced.
I wonder how long I'll cry tonight.
Or will the tears hold off until tomorrow at the service?.
Didn't I just the other day tell Channing that I was lucky if I only went to one furneral a year?.
And that I'd already been to three this year?
Now, I get to add another to that list.
One I really wish I didn't have to add.
I never wanted to add the others either.
But I knew him.
I knew him so well.
I mean I knew the others but...
This is...this is different.
It was like a family tradition to go visit him at this time of the year.
We weren't able to yesterday so we were going to do it today.
And dad discovered that he'd died.
My mind and body feels numb.
I feel like I'm on the verge of tears.
He was an amazing man.
He fought for this country.
He earned all three of the purple hearts he received.
He earned every metal he got.
He was one of the few.
One of the proud.
One of the Marines.
I....I just can't believe this.
It's so.......
There's no words to discribe it.
No words can come to mind to explain what this is like.
This pain that's creeping up on me inch my inch.
These tears that are ever so slowly spilling over my lashes.
This feeling that's telling me I shouldn't be sitting here crying, I should be praying for the family, trying to support them.
But some part of me realizes that we were very much a part of his family just like he was apart of ours.
We might not be dealing with the furneral arrangements.
We might now be blood related.
But we are family.



XOXO,
Dollface.

"Today is one of those days."

Toes

Today feels like one of those days where you wish you didn't have to wake up.
Like you wanna just curl up in bed all day but your body refuses to let you.
So you wake up anyways and you can't go back to sleep.
And then after you get out of bed and get dressed you kinda freak out about how much time has already passed.
So apart of you is begging to sleep the day away while another part wishes you'd gotten up earlier.
Yeah, it feels like one of those days.

So Ty-bear is laying on the floor by my feet, his butt is actually on top of my right foot, it's kinda funny.
Mom says we'll go get a soda in a little bit.
She also mentioned that it rained earlier this morning and that it was very overcast before I got up.
I can see where the rain is drying up on the sidewalk, see how the fall leafs are sticking to each other because of the rain.
Yes, today is going to be a strange day.
Tyler meowing at me because he's annoyed that I'm not petting him.
I'm toying with the idea of getting covered in leafs while trying to put up christmas lights and stuff.
I think I'll do the decorating tomorrow.
Karl has a gig coming up on December 7th.
I think I'm going to beg my parents to let me go.
Tell them that that's what I want for christmas.
I told him I'd see him play before the beginning of the year.
And I intend to keep that promise.
Even if it does mean that I'll miss my foodnetwork shows on that day.
I'd rather see him play.
I'd rather support my friend.

So I'm listening to "Unbeautiful" by Leslie Roy.
I totally love this song.
I'm toying with the idea of writting a book, since I didn't do it yesterday.
Tyler's meowing again, so I have to pet him.
His fur is so fluffy and sof-AND HE'S BITING MY TOES!
>.<




XOXO,
Dollface.

Perfect.

So while I was outside, I was thinking about how Ali had said that her life wasn't perfect like mine.
And how I'd said my life isn't perfect.
I mean, I know that compared to hers you could say my life is perfect.
And considering the amount of time Ali's known me, she's never really seen the part of my life that's been rough.
I'll admit, as much as I hate how much my mom worrys about me, as much as I hate how my dad can be so set in his ways, as much as I hate how every mistake my brother has made is another mistake I'm being told I can't make. As much as I complain about all those things. My family is a pretty awesome family.
There are a lot of times that I have to remind myself that I have no right to complain.
At least I have a mom who loves me enough to worry.
At least I have a dad who's always been in my life.
As least I have a brother who'd do anything to make things right.

Sure, the majority of my family sucks.
But at least the people I deal with almost every day are good people.
So a lot of people could say my family is perfect.
Because even with all the arguements, even with all the times I've honestly thought my parents were going to get a divorce, even all the times I've literally cried in the same room with them and they've never noticed, even after all the worry that my brother was going to be in prison most of his life, even with all the secerts that kept from each other until everythings alright again, even with all of those things. I still know that my family loves me, I still know that they're here for me.

So, okay.
Yeah, I guess if your only thinking about my family then yeah, my life is pretty damn close to being perfect.
But it's the other aspects of my life that make me sit here and be like. "My life isn't perfect, but I'll admit. Compared to a lot of people's lives it is perfect."

Most people will agree, that it's the things in your past that make you who you are today.
I don't know how many times in the past couple of years I've been accused of not understanding what someone's going through just because my family has money.
But my family hasn't always been this way.
Most of my life we lived from paycheck to paycheck.
I suppose that's one reason I told Ali, I wouldn't understand...that I don't understand when she leaves to go shopping.

Don't get me wrong, I love shopping as much as the next girl.
But I've been raised in such a way, that we only go shopping when we need something.
Even now, even when my dad makes more money than he ever has before.
We rarely ever just going shopping for the hell of it.
My whole life it's been. "Okay, winter's coming up. Do you have enough winter clothes that fit?"
If the answer was no, we went shopping to get what we needed. If the answer was yes, we didn't buy anything. We made due with what we had.
Or in some cases it was "We're taking this trip, here's what your going to need [insert objects here]. Do you have all these things? Do they fit? Are they in good enough condition that you won't freeze? Are they in good enough condition that they won't be showing more skin than what their covering?"
If the answer was no to any of these things than we went to get what we needed.
Even now that's usually how it is.
Like the last time we went shopping, I knew exactly what I needed, I knew exactly what I could use but I didn't have to have and I knew what I wanted but I didn't need it at all.
I bought what I needed.
I guess that's why I don't understand why Ali and Gowri go shopping as much as they do.
Because to me, shopping's a thing we do maybe six times a year.
We buy exactly what we need, sometimes we'll get something we want.
And like...when we used to go shopping it was like Walmart only.
And then a year or so after my dad started his own business it got to where we'd get a couple of things at JCPenneys and the rest at walmart and then slowly, very slowly we got to where we bought more and more at Penney's and less at walmart and then we got to where we didn't buy clothes at walmart unless they had something we thought was really cute.
And then in the past year or so we got to where we started buying at other stores like Belk, Wet Seal, Hot Topic, Victoria Secert, Dillards, Macys, etc.
So like...I know it's strange.
Most people can never see me as that girl.
Most people can't see me as the eight year who ran around barefoot with holes in my jeans, and an old t-shirt on that used to belong to my brother when he was my age.
No one seems to see the girl who understands what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck.

No one sees the girl who regrets that her parents got her ballet classes because she now realizes how hard her father worked so that he could pay for her to go. As much as I enjoyed ballet, a part of me wishes I'd never taken it because we could have used that money for something different, for something more important.
Like right no, most people won't believe me when I say I'm crying, I've literally got tears running down my cheeks and my vision is somewhat blurry.
No one seems to see the girl who was pushed off a trampoline when she was younger by people she thought were her friends at the time, the girl who's had rocks thrown at her when she passed by, the girl who had her heart broken by her BFF's at the time who decided to break into her house and destory a bunch of stuff she'd worked hard to buy.

Very few people actually see that girl.
See the girl who can literally burst into tears because she can't understand something that someone is teaching her.
See the girl who's a giver not a taker.
Who loves freely and trusts too easily.


So my life is a balancing act.
It's like I'm on this rope high above all my friends, my family, my ex-friends, and above all these other people.
On one side of the rope is the people that Gowri and several other people are always saying I shouldn't worry about because their constantly hurting me, that I shouldn't trust because they take that trust for granted. The people that no one would blame me if I was more of a taker around them than a giver.
And on the other side are the people who don't hurt me and if they do they honestly didn't mean to, the people who I can relie on, the ones that I can honestly trust. The one's that I want to be a giver around.
But you see, I keep falling off this rope. I fall, and fall and continue to get right back up and try again.

Like last night when I fought with Ali, I fell again.
I was a taker and not a giver.
I totally failed.
Even as I said those cruel words to her I didn't honestly believe them I was just...upset.
And I know that's not an excuse.
I just...I don't know how to explain it.
But that whole arguement seems so surreal to me.
Almost like I dreamed it all.
I really wish I had.
At least then I could block out all the words I'd said and just blog about a horrible nightmare that invovled me and Ali fighting.
Strange how I'd rather have a nightmare than to actually fight with Ali.
But, while I was in the attic was thinking about why I didn't make any comment about her feelings last night.
And....
Gah, my mind is totally chaos at the moment.
I seriously cannot think of what I was going to say.
And now I'm getting a headach and....


Ali, I'm really, really sorry.
I'm sorry that I keep pushing you closer to the edge.
I'm sorry that I'm not on MSN right now.
I don't even know if your online right now.
But I'm just...I'm not ready to face you.
I'm not ready to face the wrathe that is my cute wife.


So, I'll probably blog again later today, I don't know though.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Lights.

Fought with Ali yesterday.
Feel horrible.
I have no clue what to say to her.
I haven't made it over to her blog yet.
I'll probably do that next.
I'm currently listening to "Gives You Hell" by The All-American Rejects.
In the back of my mind I'm planning how I want the house to look for christmas.
I offically started putting up christmas lights on Saturday.
Looks like we're actually going to be here for Christmas.
I've already put up some lights this morning.
I'm eating lunch right now.

And since I know Gowri wants to know what I'm eating.
I'll tell her right now.
I'm eating Chicken Noodle Soup with extra garlic.
Yeah, nothing special.
As soon as I'm done eating I've got to go up to the attic to get more christmas stuff down.
And then I'll head outside for another hour or so and put up more decorations/lights.
A couple of the locals who've been here longer than we have drove by when I was putting up lights, I noticed them glance at me and shake their heads as they continued driving.
It was almost like they were saying.
"Ugh, she's at it again."
But then they went on their merry way.
I'm thinking about writting something today.
It'll probably be romantic and medieval-ish.
But I've been wrong before.
It might end up being violent and future-ish.
Who knows?.
I certainly don't.
Anyways.

I need to get over to Ali's blog, see how everythings going on her end.
I'll probably try to figure out exactly what to say to her while I'm putting up lights and stuff.



XOXO,
Dollface.

FOODZ

Rofl.
Ali's yelling at me.
She's like "YOU BETTER BLOG!"
So I'm blogging now.
I was planning on it.
But whatever.
I've been listening to Sirius hits 1 the past couple of days.
Got to listen to some "Old" favorites and got a few new ones.

"Unbeautiful" - Leslie Roy
"Swing" - Savage
"360" - Josh Hoge
"Addicted" - Saving Abel
"Crash And Burn Girl" - Robyn
"T-shirt" - Shontelle

And several others.
Anyways.
So, I'm watching foodnetwork.
Talking to Channing.
He thinks I'll be on foodnetwork someday.
Ali thinks it'll be funny if I am.
And this converstation between me and him was hilarious.

[19:20] ccscleader15: She knows how I love a good challenge and how much fun I'd have challenging one of those people.
[19:20] ccscleader15: But are you serious about that?
[19:21] ccscleader15: Or just teasing me?
[19:22] apechann: I was serious. I was thinking about saying you'll be on Iron Chef or be the next Rachael Ray, and I said the latter. Either one would be awesome. I believe Rachael Ray was on Iron Chef one time...
[19:23] ccscleader15: Aw, thanks Channing. That means a lot.
[19:23] apechann: No problem at all, Amy.
[19:23] ccscleader15: I might try to be the next foodnetwork star someday, however my goal is not to be on foodnetwork.
[19:24] apechann: I don't keep up with Food Network, but have seen some of the shows since my dad cooks and used to watch Food Network alot.
[19:25] apechann: If I am sitting there one day, with a girl or by myself, watching Food Network, and you pop on there, I'll be like, "hey, hey, I know her!!". haha.
[19:25] ccscleader15: My dad watchs it more than he ever did before since this is the path I've chosen, he wants to...understand what his daughter is going to be doing and as for Mom, she's starting to watch it a little more than before.
[19:26] ccscleader15: ROFL.
[19:26] ccscleader15: And the girl is just gonna pat you on the hand and be like. "Channing, you don't have to lie to impress me."
[19:27] apechann: That makes sense. I want to learn to cook, so maybe sometime I'll start really paying attention to my dad and also watching Food Network.
[19:27] apechann: Damn... I'll find proof!
[19:27] ccscleader15: Rofl.
[19:27] apechann: Hahaha, I'll.... call you.
[19:27] ccscleader15: You'll all call-ROFL
[19:27] ccscleader15: I was just going to say that.
[19:27] ccscleader15: I was in the middle of typing when you literally said that.[19:28] apechann: Hahaha.
[19:28] apechann: I'll call you right in the middle of a live broadcast of Iron Chef and you'll be like, "wtf?!".
[19:28] ccscleader15: Be like "Amy! tell her you know me." I'll be all like "Channing, I'm kinda on TV at the moment can this wait? AH NO NO NO TOO MUCH BEER F*CK"
[19:29] apechann: Lol- literally.



So yeah, I don't know what else to talk about and Iron Chef America is on.
Sooooo.....





XOXO,
Dolflace.

Mhm

So yeah, I need to blog.
I just don't know what to blog about.
So...
I went to a furneral today.
I found this totalyl epic song yesterday.
"Gives You Hell" - The All-American Rejects.
It's awesome.
Um...
Ali owes me.
I love her and Gowri bundles.
Joe's engaged so now I get Taylor.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not complaining.
It's just....
I totally freaked cause it's like.
"HOLY SHIT HE'S GETTING MARRIED?"
Okay, so....anyways.



XOXO,
Dollface.

"I will protect Yuuki for now on.....as a lover."

"I need you like a hurricane,
Thunder crashing, wind and rain.
To tear my walls down.
I'm only yours now.
I need you like a burning flame.
A wild fire untamed.
To burn these walls down.
I'm only yours now."

That would be some of the lyrics from "Hurricane" by Jimmy Needham.
I totally love that song.
Technacially it's a christian song.
But it's also kinda like a love song.
I don't know, but either way it's totally awesome.

So yeah, Ali e-mailed Ethan yesterday.
And oddly enough I'm not freaking out as much as I normally would.
I'm kinda....at peace.
So maybe everything will turn out okay?.
I told mom about the arguement me and her had about it and about how she was like.
"YOU DO IT.
DO IT!
DO IT NOW!"

and she was like "Did you?! Did you ask him out?"
And I was like "Whoa."
So then I continued to tell her the rest of the story and then she wanted to read the copy of the E-mail Ali sent.
And she agrees, she thinks everything will be okay.
But I'm still nervous about it.

So I was watching the new episode of Vampire Knight Guilty.
And I love it so much.
I can't wait for Epi. 6
I mean seriously.
Kaname finally told Yuuki that he loves her and like she admitted to loving him and...OH yeah. He wants to be her lover.
Lol.
I'm like "AWW!"

Rofl,
Anyways.
I'm just waiting for Ali, Cree, Komo and Gowri to get on.
Oh and I'm waiting to either get an e-mail from Ethan or for Ali to get one.


XOXO,
Dollface.

Well, I knew this was going to happen.

So Obama won.
And because he won.
We're not going to the meeting tonight about the studying abroad thing.
Of course, I knew that if he won we wouldn't go.
So I'm not overly upset.
Now I'm like "Psh, I only want to leave the country if we're MOVING."

So Arcy is really cute.
I was showing mom his photo.
The one that shows how pretty his eyes are.
And she agrees, she thinks it'd be cool if I got to meet him when we go to Vegas.
Yeah, that's right. We're probably going to Vegas for springbreak.

And of course, if we do I won't be blogging about what happens there because...
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS!
YEEHAW!

















Roflmao.
Yeah, I just felt like doing that.
So yeah, we're probably staying home tonight, but we might be going to church cause it's our Pastor's B-day.
But yeah, we're all pissed off today.
So I need people to get on.
Because I'm bored.
Lol.



Love Ya'll,
Dollface.

The joy and the agony.

Made up with Channing.
That makes me happy.
And oddly enough I hardly remember what happened during that time that caused us to....not talk.
However this seperation was a good thing.
Because now I'm more light-hearted, more me.
Now I can talk to him and not....not feel the pain and regret of realizing that I hurt him.


I like this.
I feel kinda like I'm five again.
I feel very free, very happy.
Which doesn't make much sense considering the past two days have been hell.
And considering that my "boyfriend" treated me like shit this afternoon I'm very surprised I feel this happy.
I think I'm going to have to break up with him.
I can't....
I can't deal with this.
And I don't even really feel like we're together.
So I don't know.
It's weird.
It's almost like we aren't even together.
Huh....
Okay, okay.
ENOUGH of this depressing stuff.
I told Channing this blog would make him smile.
So he has to SMILE.
DO YOU HEAR ME CHANNING?! YOU NEEDS TO SMILE.

XD.
I'm just like yelling at everyone today.
Like earlier I was yelling at Tany.
I was like.
"YOU ARE CUTE! NOW ADMIT IT!"
It was hilarious.

Now, what to talk about hmm......
So, I'm obessed with medieval roleplays at the moment.
I'm re-reading the twilight saga.
I'm currently reading Eclipse.
I feel hyper and want to dance in the rain.
But it isn't raining.
Oh my nephew Charlie is here.
But he's behaving for once and leaving me alone.
Oh I gots to hug Karl and Zach on sunday.
but I think I already mentioned that....hmm....I need to go re-read my blog and find out.
Lol.
My memory! It's dying! nooo!


J/k.


XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. If I didn't blog about Zach and hugs then I'll do it in a minute.

Rock.

I have this new resolve.
This resolve that I didn't have before.
After I finished sending all these messages to Tyler explaining why I've done some of the things I've done.
I went to read Ali's blog.
And I realized how much she needs someone.
Rather it's me or not.
I'm going to be her rock.

I'm going to be that rock she's relied on before.
That depression changed me in so many ways.
But that's one part of me that I keep screaming in my head can't change.
I can't ever stop being her rock.
If I change in such a way that I'm able to be more helpful then that's okay.
But I just can't stop being her rock.
Because right now she needs somebody.
And if I can be.
Then I'd like to be that somebody.

It doesn't matter that Dustin hurt me last night.
It doesn't matter that I'm still having some problems with Tyler.
It doesn't matter that we got a phone call this morning informing us that one my cousins died this weekend.
It doesn't matter that my dad is having some problems with this guy and it could end badly.
It doesn't matter that every day I deal with my mom worrying that I won't get my GED in time to go to college next year.
It doesn't matter that everyday I worry about how I'll pay for college.
It doesn't matter that everyday I not only deal with my problems, but my familys as well.

Right now, all that matters.
Is that my friend needs someone.
And if she doesn't need me....
Well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

So, yeah.
The rock that's as hard as marble is back.
Because I'm determind to not let anything keep me down.
That side of me that likes to be whiney and show up at the worst time is being shoved back into the closet and being locked up because I don't need to be that person who's all...emo-ish.
I need to be that person that Ali trusts.
That person who's as stubborn as hell, that's just crazy enough to do something stupid to cheer someone up, that's too trusting, that's too......human.
I need to be that person again.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Why, oh why.

Okay, so I haven't blogged this because it's so complicated.
But my friend Dustin, I've know him like since he was sixteen.
He's nineteen now.
I was like....12 when we met.
Anyways.

He confessed that he loved me like a week ago.
And he'd said he'd loved me for a while.
But this was the first time he'd said anything.
Of course, I'd expected this a while.
But I wasn't sure I was right about it until then.

But like we aren't together for several reasons that I don't feel comfortble discussing.
So just now we were on cam and he BRBed and I kept seeing this shadow on the wall and anyways.
He picked on me for something I thought was quite serious(Also something I don't want to explain)
And then I got off cam and yeah this is how it went:


Lil Chevy says:
really two can play that game
Amy says:
Psh
Amy says:
I don't care.
Lil Chevy says:
yeah you do
Amy says:
If you can pick on me about something I consider to be quite serious.
Amy says:
Then I don't care.
Amy says:
And it's not nethere it's Neither.
Lil Chevy says:
ok fine then ill be online later then
Amy says:
Fine, I may or may not be here.
Lil Chevy says:
good
Amy says:
I do have a curfew, you know.
Lil Chevy says:
w/e
Lil Chevy says:
do u still love me
Amy says:
Do you honestly think so little of me?
Lil Chevy says:
huh
Amy says:
Do I honestly seem like the type who says they love someone and then gets pissed and no longer loves them?
Lil Chevy says:
yea
Amy says:
Then you know nothing about me, Dustin.
Amy says:
Because if that's the girl you think I am, your wrong.
Lil Chevy says:
damn
Lil Chevy says:
i hate being wroung
Lil Chevy says:
lol
Amy says:
So yes, I still love you. However at the moment, I'm pissed and hurt.

So yeah, I need Cree to get back on so she can distract me.
I need Ali on so I can calm down.
And I need Gowri to get back on so she can tell me he isn't worth my time and that he obiviously isn't a very good friend.
Even though he usually is one.
But right now I'm just being reminded of this time when I thought he loved me and he was kidding and I spent like an hour crying in the bathroom.
My parents never knew.
And I don't intend to tell them or Dustin.

Oh and you know what's funny?
I was just re-reading the converstation I just posted and I feel a LOT like Edward.
Like in New Moon when he had to explain to Bella how hard it was to lie to her, and how he had to prove to her the he still loved her and like how he couldn't believe that she could believe for even a minute that he didn't love her. I feel kinda like that.
Except for the part where I said "...I'm pissed and hurt."
That part made me sound like Bella.

Anyways, I'm out.



XOXO,
Dollface.

THE ROSES ARE RED!

Yeah, I just finished painting my finger nails for the party.
And I just got a call from my BFF Auqa(Christina) and she's going too.
So we're gonna party.
It's gonna be awesome.
Mom's freaking out.
I was like "What?"
And she was like "Oh nothing, It's just my little girl is going to her first dance!"
So yeah, this should be interesting.

I took my shower like two hours ago.
And I'm about to go put on everything but the wings so that I can do my make-up and hair.
And I'll put on the wings right before we leave.
So yeah, I can't wait!!!



XOXO,
Dollface.