You ran away-you're all the same

So like there's a lot going on right now.
Like I'm pissed at Aaron because had he just listened to me he and his family would be here right now and I wouldn't be so worried.
And like I told my dad yesterday that I wanted to go to home-coming and he was like.
"Do you have a date?"
And then he was saying how I wouldn't have any fun if I went alone.

So now I'm like totally torn, I really want to go but I don't want to be bored out of my mind either.
And then he was like "I thought you'd be talking to Ethan about his Senior Prom"
And mentally I was like "WTF" because I honestly didn't think that Dad liked him enough to say that and then also I was kinda like "Yeah but I don't see him asking me."
Dad thinks he will.
I totally think he won't.
But whatever.

I do have good news though.
Ali is back!!!!!!!
And hopefully her computer will be fixed soon.
I'm dying to roleplay.
The new single by FOB isn't...horrible but it's not their best.
But like there's this underlining beat in it that totally sucks.
If they got rid of that underlining beat it'd be killer though.
But I could totally see myself dancing to it.
XD

And I don't like Joe's new hair style.
It's totally ick.
I liked it better when it was short.
P-trix is still totally cute.
And I still think him and Ali will be amazingly sexy together <3.
That is if she still wants him.


Okay so anyways.
The song title is taken from a line in "Snuff" by Slipknot. I'm like totally obsessed with their new album "All Hope Is Gone" It's amazing. And Snuff is one of my most favorite songs on the album. It's also like the only slow song on the album. But yuh. I did lyrics to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5mD56XY0U4
It's amazing.
It makes me think of Alex from E.O.D.S.O.T.D.
And like the struggle she goes through with her friends and lovers.
And like I'm thinking maybe.
Just maybe.
I might be able to finish writting that book now.
I really hope I'm able to, afterall.
It was my first book.
The original.
The one that got me started.
The one that was started from an intro I was writting for a roleplay.
The one that everyone is constantly bugging me to finish.

So maybe now I can complete it.
Edit it.
And possibly publish it.

So, now I'm thinking about Aaron again.
Like I think I love him.
Like I know I love everyone.
But I mean I think I love him.
And I don't think he cares.
Like I've told him that I thought I was falling for him.
And when I try to get a direct answer about how he feels about me he kinda avoids answering it completely.
And like, in his letters and stuff he hints at stuff.
Like how he's saying he'll always try his best to protect me and stuff.
It makes me think he really likes me but then idk.
He's an amazing friend though.
And no matter what I want to keep him as a friend.
But I think I have no other choice but to distance myself from him.
And that really hurts.

Because I hate it when I have to put a wall up.
But like I think he already has a wall up.
Well it's kinda like a room.
And inside this room is our friendship and how awesome it is.
But outside of this room is what could be if he'd let it happen.
But he's not letting it happen.
So now I guess I don't really have a choice.
I have to stop myself from loving him.
I've been told you can't help who your heart loves.
I suppose it's true.
But like I said, I have no choice now.

"And then, I carefully sealed away my heart."


Most people won't recongize that quote nor understand why I used it.
But as Ali and a few other people know. I have my own Edward and my own Jacob.
Aaron is my Jacob.
And at the moment I'm not a 100 percent sure who's my Edward.
But he is my Jacob.
And he's backing me up into a wall.
I feel like I'm his shoes though.
I feel like saying.

"I can fight the clouds, but I can't fight an eclipse."

I feel like I'm fighting an eclipse and I don't even know who the Eclipse is.
I suppose the Eclipse is himself.
For a while I thought maybe he'd put us in this room because he was trying to protect himself.
But then I think about how he's always saying how he wants to protect me and stuff.
And I have to wonder.
Is he trying to protect me?
Is he worried he'll hurt me?
Is that what this is all about?

Gah, I hate these feelings.
Like I can't control anything.
Like I love him, I want him.
But then I don't.
Like I need to be loved by him.
But I need to be loved by someone besides him.
Like I don't want him to say he loves me if he doesn't.
But then apart of me would be happy to believe the lie.

"Love is irrational. I reminded myself, the more you loved someone, the less sense anything made"

Boy isn't that the truth.
But do I really love him?
I don't know.
I think I do.
But I could be wrong.

Anyways.
I think I better go.
I'm starving and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears.
So I better quit writting.


Later,
Dollface.