Snuff

"Bury all your secerts in my skin"
This part fits my relationship with everyone, because I want everyone to know that they can trust me. That they can relie on me and tell me all their secerts and that I'll be here for them no matter what. Like Tyler, he knows and that's why I can honestly say I know him better than his mother does, which is really, really sad.

"Come away with innocence."
I want my friends to feel better about themselves after they've told me their secerts, their dreams, their hopes and their fears. I want them to feel like themselves again.

"And leave me with sins."
I don't think people realize it, but for me when like no one seemed to notice that I wasn't totally myself, it made me feel like....everyone was leaving me with my problems....with my sins.

"The air around me still feels like a cage."
Even now, even though I'm better. I still feel like I'm trapped in a cage and everyone's outside of that cage and all my problems are being thrown at me from inside this cage and these problems, these fears, this pain. It's trying to break me, but I'm a little bit stronger now, I'm a little bit happier. Like last night I was laughing when me and my parents went out to dinner and then mom said something about how it was the first time I'd laughed in a couple of weeks and that's what told me how bad my depression was, that even though I knew I hadn't laughed my parents knew too. But it also told me I was getting better, because I laughed again.

"And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again."
Sometimes, love is just that. A camouflage, something to hide behind. And sometimes love does resemble rage. Like with Tyler, there are sometimes, even now. When I get so pissed at him that I just want to scream! and yet, I still love him. I still want him to be happy.

"So if you love me, let me go."
A part of me feels like, if everyone loved me they'd let me go while another part of me is begging to be held and I think I finally understand why I want to be let go. I think it's because that part of me has given up on being held, has finally decided that all I'm doing is hurting myself more by having this desire to be held.

"And run away before I know."
Run, just run. Aaron, if you love me, let me go. Woah, I didn't even realize that this part would go along with the part above. But apart of me, apart that's tired of being hurt wants him to just run away and forget about me. While another part wants to beg him to stay, beg him to love me.


"My heart is just to dark to care."
I kinda have to agree with that statement. My heart has been damanged so much, in so many ways, espcially when I was depressed that now I can hardly bring myself to care about anything. Like before, everything I felt was very vived. Fear, anger, happiness, love, pain, all of it. It all felt so vived before and now it's just dull, like a pastel painting or something.

"I can't destory what isn't there."
I can't destory the relationship me and Aaron have, because their isn't one. I want there to be one, but....there's not and i know that if there was one, I probably would destory it, because for some reason I always ruin what's good in my life. For some reason I can't be happy without wondering "When's this going to be taken from me? How long will this happiness last before it's ripped from my grasp?"

"Deliver me into my fate"
Tyler, Aaron. Show me my fate and leave me to it. If my fate is that I'm doomed to forever see everyone around me find happiness while I wallow in pain and misery then so be it.

"If I'm alone I cannot hate."
I won't hate you if you leave me all alone, Aaron. I won't hate you Tyler, if you decide that I'm not a good friend. Arjun, I won't hate you if you decide that it's best to give up on making my heart totally and completely yours. I can't hate anyone when I'm alone. Just like I can't hate anyone when I'm not.

"I don't deserve to have you."
I didn't deserve you, Tyler. I don't deserve you, Arjun. I will never deserve you, Aaron. I don't deserve the little bit of happiness I get in my life. I don't deserve to have amazing friends, I don't deserve an awesome family. What have I done to deserve anything?.

"My smile was taken long ago."
This is true, my smile was lost a very long time ago. It was lost that first time I was stabbed in the back by three girls who I thought were my friends. Who hurt me so bad that I was crying my heart out while at the same time having the desire to throw something. I was furious, I was hurt, I was sad and I don't think I've been the same since then.

"If I can change, I hope I never know."
If there's some chance that I can change all of this, don't tell me. If there's some chance that I could change all of this, don't let me know. Because, all this pain and suffering made me who I am today. It made me stronger, as much as I hate this pain, it made me be that rock that Ali relies on, it made me be the friend I am to all my friends. It made me better, stronger, different, wiser.

"I still press your letters to my lips."
I still re-read the letters I got from you Aaron, they still make my heart beat faster and make me smile. I still love every little thing you said, I still love that I was one of two people you called while you were in basic training. I love this feeling of being wanted....of being loved...and yet. I don't know that I'm wanted or loved by you. All I can do is hope.

"And cherish them in parts of me, that savour every kiss."
I cherish every memory, every touch, every glance that I received from Tyler. I still cherish every laugh, every hug, every joke. I still wish we could have worked things out. But even so, I don't feel pain when I hear about you and Liz. I just feel...uncaring. I'm glad your happy, but I could careless who your with, because I'm tired of protecting you, I'm tired of telling you that you deserve better, I'm tired of my advice being ignored.

"I couldn't face a life without your light."
I couldn't face a life without a lot of people. Like everyone I care about is a candle in a pitch-black room, and that room is my life, my heart, my soul. And each person I love has made a difference. Ryan, Tyler, Aaron, Arjun, Ali, Lee, Arthur, Oliver, Ashley, Victor, Karrie, Laice, everyone, every member of my family, every friend, every lover. Everyone has made a difference in someway. Even that guy at the chinese resturant who told me I had a cool shirt a couple of weeks ago, even he was a light in my life and I couldn't live without the lights in my life.

"But all of that was ripped apart, when you refused to fight."
Everything was ripped to shreds the moment one of my lights gave up on me, everything was ripped to shreds when one of those lights told me I was useless, everything was ripped to shreds when one of those lights told me they didn't care about me. Everything is either together or torn apart according to how these lights react to what I do. Like right now, Aaron will either make or break me. He'll either send me over the edge and stop fighting or he'll save me and continue to fight.

"So save your breath, I will not hear."
Save your breath, if all your going to do is apologize, save it. If all your going to do is ask me why I don't open up to people, why I don't trust people, save it. Because I do not care. I cannot care. I will not care.

"I think I've made it very clear."
I think Ive made it clear how much I care, I think he knows. I hope he does, I know Arjun knows. He knows that I don't totally belong to him, but he also knows that he's getting there, that he's slowly releasing the grasp Aaron has on my heart.

"You couldn't hate enough to love."
You couldn't hate the pain I feel enough to love, you couldn't hate the loneliness you feel enough to love, you couldn't...you can't....you won't.

"Is that supposed to be enough?"
Is everything you do suppose to be enough? Everytime you call me babe or baby, is that suppose to be enough? Every flirt, every tease. Aaron, is that supposed to be enough?.

"I only wish you weren't my friend."
Because then, I could at least walk away. But still, I'm glad your my friend, I need you as a friend no matter what. No matter how much it may hurt to know you don't love me back, I need you as a friend.

"That I could hurt you in the end."
A part of me wishes that it was possible to hurt you, to cuss you out like you asked me to. A part of me wishes I could hurt a lot of people, like Tyler. But I never will, because I never can and because I love you guys to much to hurt you.

"I never claimed to be a saint."
I never have, nor will I ever claim that. I'm not perfect. I've broken a friends heart, I've hurt people I care deeply for, I will never be a saint.

"My own was banished long ago,"
Until recently, when I'd decided to stop hiding behind a mask this was very, very true.

"It took the death of hope to let you go."
Right now, what it will take to let Aaron go, is the death of hope. He has to kill the hope I hold for us in order for me to let him go. It's the only way his grasp on my heart will no longer exist and I hate that.

"Go."
Go, run, leave. I won't hate you for running, for leaving. It'll hurt, but someday the pain will pass.

"So break yourself against my stones."
What this line means to me is this: When you feel guilty about something you did or didn't do to me, use that guilt to make me feel guilty about making you feel bad.

"And spit your pity in my soul."
I think Tyler pity's me for being more or less alone and unwanted, I think alot of people pity me. But I don't want pity.

"You never needed any help, you sold me out to save yourself."
This is more directed at the three ex-friends I mentioned earlier who betrayed me. They never needed me, they never cared, they just wanted to make me suffer.

"And I won't listen to your shame."
I don't want to listen to the shame and the guilt my friends feel when they aren't here for me, I want them to know that I'll always love them, even if they aren't here for me.

"You ran away-you're all the same."
I have several fair-weather friends and several ex-fair weather friends one of those people was Hope every time I needed someone she just backed off and ran away, a lot of people do that. A lot run away, and a lot are all the same.

"Angels lie to keep control."
I know a lot people who I consider to be angels in that, even though they aren't perfect they seem like it, rather it's because of their actions, their looks, their voice. And to some extent I agree, angels do lie to keep control. They say they care, when they don't.

"My love was punished long ago."
My love has been punished a many a times, sometimes long ago, sometimes more recently and yet...I still manage to love everyone, I still manage to forgive, I still manage to say 'I love you' and mean it.

"If you still care don't ever let me know."
After hope has died, if you still care don't ever let me know. After I've given up and moved on, if you still care don't ever let me know. If you ever cared at all before you killed the hope I hold, don't ever let me know. Don't ever tell me.

"If you still care don't ever let me know."
Just know that no matter what I will always care, I will always be aware of this and I will always love you and a part of me wants to know if you still care, while another part perfers to be left in the dark.



XOXO,
Dollface.