So I've been under a lot of stress lately.
And tonight it's finally weighing down on me.
Everything is.
Worrying about friends.
Worrying about family.
Worrying about things I can't explain.
Worrying about guys.
My cat being put to sleep.
Sad things, weird things, normal things, crazy things!.
Everything, every little thing that I've shoved into some little box in the back of my mind is just taking over, I'm so close to breaking it's not even funny.
I just needed one person to beg me to stick around.
To just hold me, to just be here for me like I've been here for them.
Like I was talking to Tyler and he was complaining about how he was beginning to hate how he never could help anyone.
and I was just like "Don't worry about it Tyler, I'm not sure anyone could help me anymore" I said it several times and he also said that he said it alot and that it was just a repetive thing.
And yet did he offer to stay up late with me like I have with him?
Did he offer to miss another hour or two of sleep before school tomorrow to make sure that I'd be okay like I've done with him so many times before?.
He complains about not being able to help.
And then when he has a chance, he doesn't take it.
I love him but....I need this.
I need someone to care enough to pay attention when I'm in need.
And he obiviously knows I'm in need.
Because before he got offline he said.
"And you better be alive tomorrow okay?"
Basically the tables have turned.
It used to be me worried that he was gonna go all suicidal on me some night when I wasn't on.
It used to be me who'd worry that I'd wake up one morning and find out that he'd killed himself.
And now he's worrying about me in the same way.
And yet he still doesn't stick around?
And.....I just....I just need....I need to feel like all these years of letting people lean on me wasn't for nothing.
I need to know that someone is here when I need them.
I mean this guy I hardly know Jason says he's here for me.
But he doesn't count.
Because he isn't one of those people who've leaned on me for long periods of time.
He doesn't understand that this isn't normal for me.
Doesn't realize how serious it is for me to be this close to breaking.
I mean seriously.
I could curl in a ball right now and probably cry my heart out.
And I still wouldn't feel better.
I could probably resort to cutting and even that would only relief me of this pain and stress for a small amount of time.
Lately, I'm only happy when I'm with my friends at church.
The rest of the time I'm just pretending.
And I don't want my friends to read this and suddenly come rushing to my aid because their guilty or because they didn't realize that this was how I was feeling.
I want them to realize something is wrong on their own and then have the guts to ask me about it.
I want someone to finally pay some sort of attention to the small hints I drop.
I don't know if this is just some phase I'm going through.
Or if this is something serious.
I just don't know much of anything anymore.
I know I love the people around me.
I know they love me.
I know there's a God and he cares.
But I also know that I feel like I'm all alone.
Even though I know all these people are here.
I feel utterly alone.
And like I know I should be reaching out for God and stuff.
But like I can't do it.
I just can't.
I don't know why but I can't.
I just can't.
It makes no sense to me why I can't.
But I can't.
I honestly feel like...like...I don't know.
But seriously.
I don't know how I'm going to survive if this keeps up.
Hell, I even have half the mind to do something really crazy like shave my head or something.
But I won't.
Because I have to keep up this facade.
This time I'm not hiding behind a mask because I'm scared people won't like me for me.
I'm hiding behind a mask because I want someone to have enough guts to pull it off.
I want someone to have enough guts to tear this wall down.
I want someone to hug me when I don't want to be hugged.
I want someone to hold me no matter how much I fight them.
I want someone to hold me even if I'm crying my eyes out.
Problem is, I don't think I know anyone who would do that.
I have friends who might.
But they'd probably only do it because they'd feel like they 'had' to.
I mean I have friends who are here when I'm crying.
Friends who'll hug me even when I don't want to be hugged.
And some of them might tear down the wall, but only after reading something like this.
They won't just suddenly realize something is up and try to fix it.
I don't think I have a single friend who'd take one look at me and think 'Hey you know, I think there's something wrong. I think there's something I can do....and I'm going to find out what it is'
And and and...to top it all off I've been having horrible headaches for like the past week and a half plus I'm not eating much and this is all because of stress.
Seriously, I'm not even sure how I get out of the bed in the morning.
Anyways, I think I'm gonna go.
Love ya'll,
Dollface.
1 comment:
There's so much to say.
Like, I just... wish I could've been there. I wish that I was around more and that we lived closer or something. Or atleast that I was old enough to drive, because I would. In the middle of the night for hours and hours if you needed me. And Dollface, like..I knew something wasn't quite right, but I didn't say anything because you didn't really say anything. You can't expect me to just...know things, okay. I'm not a mind reader. There's only so much plain text can reveal about emotion and all of that. I should know; I've been where you are and am an excellent actress now because of it. Stop pretending. It doesn't help any. I mean, seriously. Jan-May I was a mess; and I pretty much kept it to myself. And i'm scared now of ending up back there in that fragile state of mind where everything seems to be a dark shade of gray. I'm not saying about this all to say that what you're feeling is unexceptional or that it's lesser because I've been there. I'm saying about it so that you can know that if you want to talk about it and if you need to talk about it, I can understand. And...I'd hug you, but internet hugs are only so effective. You're in my thoughts like 24/7. And... I seriously almost like wanted to slap Tany because she read this post and didn't tell me it was up. And I was just like 'How can you not care about this?'
I think she just doesn't get the seriousness because she doesn't know you like I know you. And I'm sitting here, waiting for you to come online so I can ambush you. Even though you said you'd rather that everyone just knew that something wasn't right...I'm sorry that that can't happen. But I'm here now. And I need you so don't go and kill yourself because I'll come down there and kill you myself. But not reallly, I threw that in for laughs because I thought you'd need some. Not that I'm making jokes out of this. I'm just wanting you to feel better. And like..I just...I want you to lean on me. Because I know how hard it is not to be able to lean on people and just get through everything by yourself. And I know that I probably wouldn't be the strong person that I am now if I hadn't managed to squeeze out of the past months, but...I don't want to say to you 'You can get through this, you just have to work hard at it.' Because that's a load of BS and if you feel you can't handle it then you can't. And...you seriously had better get on MSN soon because I'm worrying myself out of my head for this now. And I just hope I wasn't too late.
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