If I died.....WE'D PARTY! (Kidding. Kidding)

So, I'm blogging tonight because I've got a lot on my mind and I know I won't be able to sleep until I get these thoughts written down.
So I'd rather loose an extra thirty minutes to an hours sleep than loose two hours because I was too lazy to blog.


Okay, I'm kinda having to be careful at the moment.
Because I'm starting to let peoples opinions of me effect what I do and I refuse to let that happen again.
So I'm stepping back and looking at my life again.
I'm trying to decide exactly what I want in life.
Exactly what I plan to do with my life.
I mean sure, there are some things that won't change like.

I still plan to stay a virgin until marriage.
I still think promises rings are really cool.
I still want a promise ring (I've wanted one since I was like eleven)
I still want to get my pilotes license someday.
I still want to be a chef and a published Author
I still want to be someone that little kids can look up to.
I still want to travel the world.
I still want to find that person who completes me.
I still want to be with that person who completes me.
I still wonder if I already know that person.
I still want to follow the plan that God has for my life.
I still want to be a good friend, daughter, cousin, aunt, sister and whatever else I'm not thinking of.


But there are so many things that keep changing in my life.
I mean sure, change is a major part of life and I have to accept that and I have.
I understand that not everyone who I want to have in my life will be able to stay in my life.
I also understand that life isn't perfect and that I'll have to go through a lot of shit to find the good in life.
You know while I was in the shower I was thinking about how some people have really impacted my life and how like if I were to die tomorrow how many things there is that I haven't been able to tell people that I wish they could know.
In some cases I've told people but I'm not sure they believed me or I'm not sure they'll remember it.
I think I'm gonna post the link to this on my myspace later cause if something ever does happen to me I want my friends and family to read this, I want the people I love and care for to know how I feel about them.
I'm not saying that I think I'm going to die tomorow nor am I saying that I'm planning on killing myself or something.

But I can't promise that I'll wake up tomorrow, I can't promise that I won't get hit by a car next week, I can't promise that I'll be sitting here talking to any of you twenty years from now.I could die tomorow.
And if I did, there are so many things I want so many people to know.
You know it's funny how the first thing I think about is how I want people to know how much I love them before I die.
I mean I'm not worried about the stuff that I won't have done before I die.
I'm worried about the stuff I have done.
I'm worried about the effect that my actions will leave on the people around me.

If I died tomorrow, would Tyler know that no matter how much hell he's put me through that I still love him and that I forgive him?
If I died tomorrow, would Ms.Carrie know that she's one of those people who I never want to disappoint because thats how much her opinion of me matters?
If I died tomorrow, would all of my friends know how important they are to me?
If I died tomorrow, would my nephews and niece know how much I love them? How much they mean to me?
If I died tomorrow, would my brother know that no matter how many mistakes his made that he's still my bubba and I will always love him?
If I died tomorrow, would any of my family know how much they mean to me?

And see here's the thing as I sit here. I don't know the answer to those questions. I would like to believe that they would know, but I highly doubt they would. I mean I'm actually crying right now because I realize that if I did die tomorrow none of them would know any of those things unless they read this and even if they did, I don't think they would be able to understand the emotions I feel.


You know how I mentioned how some people have really impacted my life?
Well, there was one family that popped into my mind. I don't know why but they were the ones who stood out amongst the rest.


So Ryan, if by some freak chance your reading this. How do you feel knowing that you were my first crush?
That I regret all those times I saw you after you moved but I was to shy to talk to you?
That to this day I still ask myself 'what if?' I mean had you continued to live down the street from me, would you have been my first boyfriend?
Would I have gotten to go to home-coming with a guy I really like, would I have gotten to dress up for home coming because I wanted to show the guy I care about that I'm more than just the tom boy he grew up with? and not because I want to impress everyone else?

You know it's funny.I still think about things we did when we were young.
Do you remember when we first met?
Do you remember that time when you fell out of a tree and landed on top of me?
Do you remember how you gave me my first pokemon cards?
Do you remember 'our' song?.

Dude, I wonder if you even listen to what I consider to be 'our' song anymore.
Hell I wonder what you even listen to now a days. I'm thinking probably country and rock music.
So does this sound familier?
"I went through the desert on a horse with no name it felt good to be out on the range."

Heh Heh.
Yeah, not much has changed about me I suppose.
I still don't think I could talk correctly if I saw you again.
I still think you'd be extremely handsome.
I still think I'd try a little to hard to impress you.

Hmm.I wonder if you will ever actually read this, I mean it's not likely to happen but it'd be kinda cool if you did.
Cause like this is the stuff that I've been meaning to tell you for years and that I've never gotten the chance too.
So since I refuse to call your dad anything other than Mr.{insert last name here} I think I'm just gonna stick with Mr. P.
Do you think that'll be okay?
Oh geeze, now I'm nervous.
I mean your parents have always been Mr and Mrs {insert last name here}.
It was never 'Ryan's mom' or 'Ryan's dad'
I guess that's one way your family impacted my life.
I'm more serious when it comes to manners thanks to guys.
I mean yeah, my parents are one reason I'm big on manners but to this day I still call your parents Mr and Mrs. P.
Well not literally Mr. & Mrs P.
But you get what I mean right?


So how's Andrew?.
I remember going to his fifth birthday party....Oh wow.
I just realized something, he's eleven or twelve now.
Great now I feel old. *Rolls eyes*
And I remember Lauren when she was little...it is Lauren right?
I rarely ever heard her real name.
Because if you remember correctly ya'll always called her 'little girl'.
I wonder what your up to now a days.
I wonder how your parents are.
I wonder if your parents ever realized how much I admire them.

Hey, Ryan? can you do me a favor?
And always remember that your really lucky to have parents like them.
And always tell them you love them because you never know how long you'll have them.
Oh and tell Mrs.P that all those times I saw her and she'd say I was growing up to be very pretty. That I was always so thrilled by the compliment because I've always thought your mom was beautiful.
Oh and tell Mr. P that to this day I've always thought he was a really nice guy, and really handsome too.
I bet you look a lot like him.

I still remember you like it was yesterday.
I wish I knew whatever happened to those pictures of you and Andrew.
You know, I still have the pokemon cards you gave me.
And I really wish I could have kept that promise I made to you, do you remember it?.
When you gave me the cards you said "Promise me you'll let me know when you get more pokemon cards"
And when I did get more I remember thinking that I'd have to find someway to get a hold of you to tell you I had 'em.

Oh wow, I'm really taking a trip down memory lane aren't I?.
Ah, well.
This is a part of my past, a very important part.
So I want to say I'm sorry for that one time I was really rude to you.

It was in '04 or '05 I think.
And it was at the high school auditerium and there was that christmas play going on.
I was sitting like right in front of you, my nephew was in the play.
I remember all that week the different grades were doing their plays and that day was my nephews grades day.
I think he was in K or first.
And I noticed you were behind me and I'd been arguing with myself about turning around and talking to you but I'd also promised myself that I'd be a good aunt and pay close attention to the play since Charlie was in it.
But I remember one of your friends tapping me on the shoulder and asking.
"Hey, is your name Amy?"
and I'd been so nervous I'd just been like
"Yes"
and then turned away to watch the play.
and I could hear you guys whispering and then he tapped me on the shoulder again and was like
"Do you remember living down the street from a ry-"
"Yeah, I lived down the street from him."

Oh haha, what a great song to have come on at this exact moment.
"Broken" by Seether just came on.
I love this song but it's just kinda ironic that it came on at this exact moment.
Anyways, I want to apologize for being so rude.
I mean I had the chance to talk to you when the play was over but I was so nervous and so embarresed that I just left.
To this day I still regret that.
I wish I would have stayed and talked.
I remember when I was walking away you standing up and watching me go, I remember you waving and I kinda half waved back and tried to smile.
I think I failed miserible.
Gosh, I hate myself for that.

You know I always said that the feelings I had for you back then were more than that of just a crush because you were on my mind like all the time for two maybe three years, even after you moved to the other side of town.
I think I might have loved you.
Even now my heart hurts at the thought of what might have been.
I was such an idiot.I know that now.
I know now that all I really want is for us to still be friends.
But are we even friends?
I would love to think we are, but I'm not sure if we are.

You know, the other day I looked up ya'lls phone number online and I think I found it.
But I was too scared to call.
I think I might look it up again.
And I think I might just call.
I think I might just decide to call and talk to you.
Maybe I'll be lucky and you'll remember me.

Ah but that's just wistful thinking isn't it, my dear?.
Well, if you happen to be reading this.
Please find someway to get ahold of me.
I still live where I always have.

Oh! how I wish you could come and visit.
So many things have changed in the neighborhood and yet in a way everything seems the same.
Do you remember the pecon tree I mentioned earlier? the one that you fell on top of me out of?
Yeah, the new owners took that tree out.
Actually me and you both know the owners pretty well.
But I literally cried, that tree held so many memories, not just that one.
I remember us playing out under it, I remember the time Andrew kept insisting that he was old enough to climb up in it.
I remember the time you took this huge prey mantis and you put it on my back and I freaked and Andrew was laughing so hard.

Gosh, we have a lot of good memories together, a few bad but most of them were good.
Or like.....*smiles* I remember there was one time we were at the basketbal court and there was a bluebonnet that was pulled out of the ground and laying on the cement and how I was kinda freaking out about it.
But then you told me that I could keep it because I didn't pick it from the owners property, that since it was already pulled up it was okay and I remember picking it up and teasingly acted like I was going to put it in my hair and then you'd say something like"Here let me help"
and you'd taken it from me and you'd moved my hair out of my face and put my hair behind my ear in a certain way and slipped the flower behind my ear, you'd been extremely gently when touching me.
I suppose that's one of my favorite memories.
And I remember giggling and saying thank you and then something about how I was wondering if there was anything you weren't good at.
And you'd just said something like. "I try to be skilled in a lot of things."


You were always so mature for your age.
Perhaps even too mature for me, eh?.
You know, a small part of me wonders if I still love you.
I mean of course I love you, I love everybody and you'll always be my friend rather or not the feelings are mutual.
But I wonder if I love you as more than a friend.
Wouldn't that be funny if we ended up together?.
Not that I'd complain if we did.
No, I could think of a lot worse people to end up with.
And I can't think of much better.
Of course, we haven't seen each other in a while so it's possible that you've changed a lot.
I probably wouldn't even know you anymore.

Anyways, I better hit the hay, I think I've finally gotten all these thoughts out of my head.
I might actually manage to sleep now.

So to all my friend and family, I love you all very much and you are all very important to me. Just remember that.


XOXO,
Dollface.


P.S.I wrote this nearly twenty-four hours ago, but the internet wasn't working, so I'm just now posting it.