Snuff

"Bury all your secerts in my skin"
This part fits my relationship with everyone, because I want everyone to know that they can trust me. That they can relie on me and tell me all their secerts and that I'll be here for them no matter what. Like Tyler, he knows and that's why I can honestly say I know him better than his mother does, which is really, really sad.

"Come away with innocence."
I want my friends to feel better about themselves after they've told me their secerts, their dreams, their hopes and their fears. I want them to feel like themselves again.

"And leave me with sins."
I don't think people realize it, but for me when like no one seemed to notice that I wasn't totally myself, it made me feel like....everyone was leaving me with my problems....with my sins.

"The air around me still feels like a cage."
Even now, even though I'm better. I still feel like I'm trapped in a cage and everyone's outside of that cage and all my problems are being thrown at me from inside this cage and these problems, these fears, this pain. It's trying to break me, but I'm a little bit stronger now, I'm a little bit happier. Like last night I was laughing when me and my parents went out to dinner and then mom said something about how it was the first time I'd laughed in a couple of weeks and that's what told me how bad my depression was, that even though I knew I hadn't laughed my parents knew too. But it also told me I was getting better, because I laughed again.

"And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again."
Sometimes, love is just that. A camouflage, something to hide behind. And sometimes love does resemble rage. Like with Tyler, there are sometimes, even now. When I get so pissed at him that I just want to scream! and yet, I still love him. I still want him to be happy.

"So if you love me, let me go."
A part of me feels like, if everyone loved me they'd let me go while another part of me is begging to be held and I think I finally understand why I want to be let go. I think it's because that part of me has given up on being held, has finally decided that all I'm doing is hurting myself more by having this desire to be held.

"And run away before I know."
Run, just run. Aaron, if you love me, let me go. Woah, I didn't even realize that this part would go along with the part above. But apart of me, apart that's tired of being hurt wants him to just run away and forget about me. While another part wants to beg him to stay, beg him to love me.


"My heart is just to dark to care."
I kinda have to agree with that statement. My heart has been damanged so much, in so many ways, espcially when I was depressed that now I can hardly bring myself to care about anything. Like before, everything I felt was very vived. Fear, anger, happiness, love, pain, all of it. It all felt so vived before and now it's just dull, like a pastel painting or something.

"I can't destory what isn't there."
I can't destory the relationship me and Aaron have, because their isn't one. I want there to be one, but....there's not and i know that if there was one, I probably would destory it, because for some reason I always ruin what's good in my life. For some reason I can't be happy without wondering "When's this going to be taken from me? How long will this happiness last before it's ripped from my grasp?"

"Deliver me into my fate"
Tyler, Aaron. Show me my fate and leave me to it. If my fate is that I'm doomed to forever see everyone around me find happiness while I wallow in pain and misery then so be it.

"If I'm alone I cannot hate."
I won't hate you if you leave me all alone, Aaron. I won't hate you Tyler, if you decide that I'm not a good friend. Arjun, I won't hate you if you decide that it's best to give up on making my heart totally and completely yours. I can't hate anyone when I'm alone. Just like I can't hate anyone when I'm not.

"I don't deserve to have you."
I didn't deserve you, Tyler. I don't deserve you, Arjun. I will never deserve you, Aaron. I don't deserve the little bit of happiness I get in my life. I don't deserve to have amazing friends, I don't deserve an awesome family. What have I done to deserve anything?.

"My smile was taken long ago."
This is true, my smile was lost a very long time ago. It was lost that first time I was stabbed in the back by three girls who I thought were my friends. Who hurt me so bad that I was crying my heart out while at the same time having the desire to throw something. I was furious, I was hurt, I was sad and I don't think I've been the same since then.

"If I can change, I hope I never know."
If there's some chance that I can change all of this, don't tell me. If there's some chance that I could change all of this, don't let me know. Because, all this pain and suffering made me who I am today. It made me stronger, as much as I hate this pain, it made me be that rock that Ali relies on, it made me be the friend I am to all my friends. It made me better, stronger, different, wiser.

"I still press your letters to my lips."
I still re-read the letters I got from you Aaron, they still make my heart beat faster and make me smile. I still love every little thing you said, I still love that I was one of two people you called while you were in basic training. I love this feeling of being wanted....of being loved...and yet. I don't know that I'm wanted or loved by you. All I can do is hope.

"And cherish them in parts of me, that savour every kiss."
I cherish every memory, every touch, every glance that I received from Tyler. I still cherish every laugh, every hug, every joke. I still wish we could have worked things out. But even so, I don't feel pain when I hear about you and Liz. I just feel...uncaring. I'm glad your happy, but I could careless who your with, because I'm tired of protecting you, I'm tired of telling you that you deserve better, I'm tired of my advice being ignored.

"I couldn't face a life without your light."
I couldn't face a life without a lot of people. Like everyone I care about is a candle in a pitch-black room, and that room is my life, my heart, my soul. And each person I love has made a difference. Ryan, Tyler, Aaron, Arjun, Ali, Lee, Arthur, Oliver, Ashley, Victor, Karrie, Laice, everyone, every member of my family, every friend, every lover. Everyone has made a difference in someway. Even that guy at the chinese resturant who told me I had a cool shirt a couple of weeks ago, even he was a light in my life and I couldn't live without the lights in my life.

"But all of that was ripped apart, when you refused to fight."
Everything was ripped to shreds the moment one of my lights gave up on me, everything was ripped to shreds when one of those lights told me I was useless, everything was ripped to shreds when one of those lights told me they didn't care about me. Everything is either together or torn apart according to how these lights react to what I do. Like right now, Aaron will either make or break me. He'll either send me over the edge and stop fighting or he'll save me and continue to fight.

"So save your breath, I will not hear."
Save your breath, if all your going to do is apologize, save it. If all your going to do is ask me why I don't open up to people, why I don't trust people, save it. Because I do not care. I cannot care. I will not care.

"I think I've made it very clear."
I think Ive made it clear how much I care, I think he knows. I hope he does, I know Arjun knows. He knows that I don't totally belong to him, but he also knows that he's getting there, that he's slowly releasing the grasp Aaron has on my heart.

"You couldn't hate enough to love."
You couldn't hate the pain I feel enough to love, you couldn't hate the loneliness you feel enough to love, you couldn't...you can't....you won't.

"Is that supposed to be enough?"
Is everything you do suppose to be enough? Everytime you call me babe or baby, is that suppose to be enough? Every flirt, every tease. Aaron, is that supposed to be enough?.

"I only wish you weren't my friend."
Because then, I could at least walk away. But still, I'm glad your my friend, I need you as a friend no matter what. No matter how much it may hurt to know you don't love me back, I need you as a friend.

"That I could hurt you in the end."
A part of me wishes that it was possible to hurt you, to cuss you out like you asked me to. A part of me wishes I could hurt a lot of people, like Tyler. But I never will, because I never can and because I love you guys to much to hurt you.

"I never claimed to be a saint."
I never have, nor will I ever claim that. I'm not perfect. I've broken a friends heart, I've hurt people I care deeply for, I will never be a saint.

"My own was banished long ago,"
Until recently, when I'd decided to stop hiding behind a mask this was very, very true.

"It took the death of hope to let you go."
Right now, what it will take to let Aaron go, is the death of hope. He has to kill the hope I hold for us in order for me to let him go. It's the only way his grasp on my heart will no longer exist and I hate that.

"Go."
Go, run, leave. I won't hate you for running, for leaving. It'll hurt, but someday the pain will pass.

"So break yourself against my stones."
What this line means to me is this: When you feel guilty about something you did or didn't do to me, use that guilt to make me feel guilty about making you feel bad.

"And spit your pity in my soul."
I think Tyler pity's me for being more or less alone and unwanted, I think alot of people pity me. But I don't want pity.

"You never needed any help, you sold me out to save yourself."
This is more directed at the three ex-friends I mentioned earlier who betrayed me. They never needed me, they never cared, they just wanted to make me suffer.

"And I won't listen to your shame."
I don't want to listen to the shame and the guilt my friends feel when they aren't here for me, I want them to know that I'll always love them, even if they aren't here for me.

"You ran away-you're all the same."
I have several fair-weather friends and several ex-fair weather friends one of those people was Hope every time I needed someone she just backed off and ran away, a lot of people do that. A lot run away, and a lot are all the same.

"Angels lie to keep control."
I know a lot people who I consider to be angels in that, even though they aren't perfect they seem like it, rather it's because of their actions, their looks, their voice. And to some extent I agree, angels do lie to keep control. They say they care, when they don't.

"My love was punished long ago."
My love has been punished a many a times, sometimes long ago, sometimes more recently and yet...I still manage to love everyone, I still manage to forgive, I still manage to say 'I love you' and mean it.

"If you still care don't ever let me know."
After hope has died, if you still care don't ever let me know. After I've given up and moved on, if you still care don't ever let me know. If you ever cared at all before you killed the hope I hold, don't ever let me know. Don't ever tell me.

"If you still care don't ever let me know."
Just know that no matter what I will always care, I will always be aware of this and I will always love you and a part of me wants to know if you still care, while another part perfers to be left in the dark.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Tany + Ali + Me = BFFS

So, Lee(Tany).
Finally posted that blog that Ali was dying for her to post.
The one that shows the mature side of Lee.
A side I've seen a lot more in the past couple of weeks.
Like, after she read my 'emo' post.
She wanted to tell me that I was important to her and that she loved me and that I shouldn't feel that way because her and Ali were here for me.
And it made me feel a lot better, just because like.

Lee doesn't know me as well as Ali does.
And even though I know I'm one of two friends she has.
There's something about.....having her say it.
And having her say it the way she said it.
That made me happy.

And now like, to see that Ali is upset with Lee and to see that Lee feels bad about it.
Makes me sad.
Which is normal I guess.
But seriously.
It makes me feel weird when them two are fighting or when their upset with each other.
Because I'm like. "What do I do?" "Who's side should I be on?" "Who's right? Who's wrong?"
And I hate having to decide.
Because something about having to choose between two of your best friends just really, really sucks.

And like, I had to do that at camp.
Which it turns out was a good thing.
Victor and Laice are still together.
And they still look so happy and so cute together.

So, there's this blog post, I'm posting right after this.
And it's like really deep.
Because I was thinking about it last night.
Like how I feel about the different relationships I've been in.
And not just romantic relationships.
I mean like friendships, and stuff too.
See I was trying to fall asleep listening to slipknot last night when 'Snuff' came on.
And I got up and put it on repeat.

Beause I was trying to find the deeper meaning of the song.
Not just what the composer wanted you to know when he wrote it.
But what it means to me.
Like every song I really, really love.
Every song that I can honestly say is my most favortie song on an album.
Every song that I just start singing the moment it comes on.

Has a deeper meaning for me.
It has some kind of meaning that makes it special or important to me.
And I hadn't really found out what made this song so important yet.
Like a part of it would make me think of my relationship with Tyler, but even that didn't explain how important it is to me.
And then I started to think about Aaron and a couple of other people and suddenly I understood why I love the song so much.
Why every word means so much to me.
Why the song is one of very few that I could listen to when I was depressed.
So...I've decided to do a blog post to explain it all.


Anyways, I love you guys.


XOXO,
Dollface.

Confused.

So, I got a phone call from Aaron today.
Which surprised me but made me really happy.
I haven't spoken to him in like a month.
I mean we've talked online but not on the phone.
And even then it wasn't much of a converstation.
So like he called.
And I'm all happy.


But then like, he was apologizing for not calling in a while.
And I was like no worries.
And then he was like. "You know you can call me at anytime right?"
And I was like. "Yeah. I've thought about it alot lately, I just...I don't know, haven't gotten to it."
"But seriously, Amy. Call me anytime, home phone...cell phone."
"Haha, I'd called your cellphone first cause you know...but like I just never know when you'll be at work."

Okay, so is anyone starting to see how I'm always wondering if he actually has real feelings for me?.

Alright, so then we got on the discussion of home-coming and how he missed it because of having to do this training thing with the Army this weekend.


Me: "Don't feel bad, I missed our homecoming."
Aaron: "But I thought you couldn't go cause your-"
Me: "Yeah, we were gonna work something out with the school but then dad basically talked me out of it cause he was like 'Why would you want to go when you don't have a date?'"
Aaron: "You should have gone."
Me: "Yeah, well I was in houston that day anyways so that's why I didn't go."

So then he went on to explain how the night would have gone had he been able to go to homecoming.

And I was like. "That's cool, but see that's the thing you'd have fun. But I'd spend most of the night trying to find someone I actually know. Like I know everyone but I mean someone I know well."
Aaron: "Oh you would have found someone."
Me: "Oh I'm sure, it probably would have been the other Amiee."
Aaron: "No, I mean some guy would have asked you to dance and...ya know."
Me: "Ha, I doubt it. My lucks never that good."

And then we'd started talking about how guys always ask girls to dance at Homecoming and he gave me an example.

Aaron: "Like last year at homecoming, I asked this girl to dance who didn't even go to my school."
Me: "Haha, yeah but that's you."
Aaron: "Of course, this was before we started talking."
Me: "Yeah...wait. No we started talking in June or like the first part of July of last year..."
Aaron: "I mean like before we started really talking...like....before you said you liked me and stuff."
Me: "Oh. Well, I don't care. I mean you can do what you want."
Aaron: "You know you care Amy."
Me: "Yeah but like I can't care. Because I'm just hurting myself by like caring so much."
Aaron: "....Cuss me out Amy."
Me: "What?...Aaron...no I can't."
Aaron: "No, seriously. Cuss me out-"
Me: "Aaron. I can't your my friend and like..."
Aaron: "No, Amy. I deserve it. Don't worry about it."
Me: "Your my friend and I want to stay friends. I can't cuss you out."


So, can you guys see why the title of this blog is called 'confused' ?.
I mean, I'm so confused right now.
I mean, he's never read my blog so he doesn't realize how much all this stuff effected me.
And yet just me saying "...Because I'm just hurting myself by like caring so much."
Made him instantly tell me to cuss him out.
I don't get it. I seriously don't get it.
I don't know what to do.
And see I'm still like with Arjun.
I really, really like Arjun.
But there's still that part of my heart that belongs to Aaron.
And I'm trying really hard to just back off and give up and let all those freshmen girls he was telling me about on the phone have him.
I want him to be happy.
But at the same time I want to be happy.

And like, a part of me really, really wants us to be happy together.
I just don't see that happening.
Ever.
Which hurts.
I mean the pain isn't as bad as it could be, thanks to Arjun.
He's seriously helped to....distract me from how I feel about Aaron.
Gah.
I'm so confused.
So, I guess I'm just gonn.a go to bed and sleep on it.
And maybe by the time we talk tomorrow evening I'll know what to say to him.


XOXO,
Dollface.

Ugh, grounded.

Okay, so monday.
I got grounded.
Cause on sunday I was on the computer past my "curfew"
Which is 10 PM central time.

But I've decided I'm gonna be really good now.
Cause last year when this happened I got a curfew of 9 PM and I'm all like "Yeah, I'll take ten over nine anyday."

So to all my friends who were freaking out because I wasn't online.
That is why.
And I'm basically ungrounded now.
But now the internet at the house isn't working.
So like I'm at the library instead.
And while I was gone sooooo much changed.
Like myspace it totally different.
And all my friends how added a whole bunch of stuff.
And Ali has like tons of blogs I need to read.
Oh and MSN doesn't work at le library >.<


Alright, well I'm out for now.
Cause I need to get back to reading all my messages from this week.


Love ya'll,
Amy


P.S. I LOVE ALI AND TANY!!!! <3

Emo much?

So I've been under a lot of stress lately.
And tonight it's finally weighing down on me.
Everything is.

Worrying about friends.
Worrying about family.
Worrying about things I can't explain.
Worrying about guys.
My cat being put to sleep.

Sad things, weird things, normal things, crazy things!.
Everything, every little thing that I've shoved into some little box in the back of my mind is just taking over, I'm so close to breaking it's not even funny.
I just needed one person to beg me to stick around.
To just hold me, to just be here for me like I've been here for them.

Like I was talking to Tyler and he was complaining about how he was beginning to hate how he never could help anyone.
and I was just like "Don't worry about it Tyler, I'm not sure anyone could help me anymore" I said it several times and he also said that he said it alot and that it was just a repetive thing.
And yet did he offer to stay up late with me like I have with him?
Did he offer to miss another hour or two of sleep before school tomorrow to make sure that I'd be okay like I've done with him so many times before?.
He complains about not being able to help.
And then when he has a chance, he doesn't take it.
I love him but....I need this.
I need someone to care enough to pay attention when I'm in need.
And he obiviously knows I'm in need.
Because before he got offline he said.

"And you better be alive tomorrow okay?"

Basically the tables have turned.
It used to be me worried that he was gonna go all suicidal on me some night when I wasn't on.
It used to be me who'd worry that I'd wake up one morning and find out that he'd killed himself.
And now he's worrying about me in the same way.
And yet he still doesn't stick around?

And.....I just....I just need....I need to feel like all these years of letting people lean on me wasn't for nothing.
I need to know that someone is here when I need them.
I mean this guy I hardly know Jason says he's here for me.
But he doesn't count.
Because he isn't one of those people who've leaned on me for long periods of time.
He doesn't understand that this isn't normal for me.
Doesn't realize how serious it is for me to be this close to breaking.
I mean seriously.
I could curl in a ball right now and probably cry my heart out.
And I still wouldn't feel better.
I could probably resort to cutting and even that would only relief me of this pain and stress for a small amount of time.

Lately, I'm only happy when I'm with my friends at church.
The rest of the time I'm just pretending.
And I don't want my friends to read this and suddenly come rushing to my aid because their guilty or because they didn't realize that this was how I was feeling.
I want them to realize something is wrong on their own and then have the guts to ask me about it.
I want someone to finally pay some sort of attention to the small hints I drop.
I don't know if this is just some phase I'm going through.
Or if this is something serious.
I just don't know much of anything anymore.
I know I love the people around me.
I know they love me.
I know there's a God and he cares.
But I also know that I feel like I'm all alone.
Even though I know all these people are here.
I feel utterly alone.

And like I know I should be reaching out for God and stuff.
But like I can't do it.
I just can't.
I don't know why but I can't.
I just can't.
It makes no sense to me why I can't.
But I can't.
I honestly feel like...like...I don't know.
But seriously.
I don't know how I'm going to survive if this keeps up.
Hell, I even have half the mind to do something really crazy like shave my head or something.
But I won't.
Because I have to keep up this facade.
This time I'm not hiding behind a mask because I'm scared people won't like me for me.
I'm hiding behind a mask because I want someone to have enough guts to pull it off.
I want someone to have enough guts to tear this wall down.
I want someone to hug me when I don't want to be hugged.
I want someone to hold me no matter how much I fight them.
I want someone to hold me even if I'm crying my eyes out.

Problem is, I don't think I know anyone who would do that.
I have friends who might.
But they'd probably only do it because they'd feel like they 'had' to.
I mean I have friends who are here when I'm crying.
Friends who'll hug me even when I don't want to be hugged.
And some of them might tear down the wall, but only after reading something like this.
They won't just suddenly realize something is up and try to fix it.
I don't think I have a single friend who'd take one look at me and think 'Hey you know, I think there's something wrong. I think there's something I can do....and I'm going to find out what it is'

And and and...to top it all off I've been having horrible headaches for like the past week and a half plus I'm not eating much and this is all because of stress.
Seriously, I'm not even sure how I get out of the bed in the morning.


Anyways, I think I'm gonna go.

Love ya'll,
Dollface.

"Your gay, aren't you?!"

ROFLMAO.
Yeah, I know that quote makes no sense.
But everyone should be happy to read that quote.
Because that quote means I'm back to roleplaying with Ali!!!!!.

YAY!YAY!YAY!YAY!.

So yeah. I haven't blogged recently due to the fact that the past three or four days I've more or less been dead to the world.
Like I'm going through the motions.
Like I'm doing what I'm told but I'm not thinking about it.
Even now, my mind is just like dead.
Sunday I was fairly alive.
I was fairly normal.
Or as normal as I can be at least.


But yeah, I'm not really me at the moment.
But I sorta am, because I'm coming up with stuff to make Ali laugh.
Like the quote that's the title of the blog.
She asked me if I'd take her seriously if there was talk about souls in Edwards post and I was like.
Amy: "Yes."
Amy: "I would take you seriously."
Alicia: "Okay because that one time you were like 'what' even though that was a joke."
Amy: "Because Edward is just gay enough to think that in the middle of sex."

She ROLF'ed so hard.
Because like she was like "I can't believe she said that, she like loves him"
So yeah, I'm sorta myself. Sorta not.

Oh Tany.
Since you love food like I do.
I took a picture of what I made for dinner last night.
And I'm posting it for you.





Mesquite Grilled Chicken with grilled greenbeans, onions and baby tomato's.
I got great reviews on it last night ^_^
So yeah, I still need to blog about some more serious things.
But my mind is to dead for that.
So yeah.
Enjoy staring at the food I made last night.
XD.



Love ya'll,

~Dollface

I can't destory what isn't there.

Once again the song title is taken from the lyrics in 'Snuff'.

So like I probably should have blogged sooner.
But like I needed some time to get my thoughts together so that I could blog without sounding.....pathetic.
However I'm quite sure that I'm still going to sound pathetic.


So I got to talk to Aaron on Thursday, which made me really, really happy.
And appearently my parents noticed.
Lemme explain.
Both my parents were sitting in the living room and I was on the computer and we were talking and the phone rang so I grabbed it and I was just like "hello?"
And then Aaron was like.
"Hi"
Like I didn't realize it was him so I was like.
"Hi."
And then he was like.
"Do you even know who this is?"
and I sqealed in delight and was like "Oh! Hi Aaron!"

And right when I was starting to leave the room I heard mom say "Well that's a lot happier tune than what we've been hearing."
And that made me realize that not only was I feeling depressed and worried about him appearently I really was.

To the point that I couldn't hide how horrible and depressed I felt.
Which is what makes me honestly believe that I really do love him.
Because usually I'm really good at hiding my emotions.
Which makes me wonder if that's what's keeping us apart.
Is it possible that how I'm able to play things off like their no big deal is what's keeping us apart?.
Is it that why when I say I love him, he doesn't believe me because I'm hiding my true emotions because I'm scared he'll reject me?
And if that's the case do I dare take the risk of being rejected and loosing our friendship and tell him?
and be completely serious?

I think I might have to do that.
I'm not sure I'm ready to do it just yet.
But I think I'm doomed to it.

You ran away-you're all the same

So like there's a lot going on right now.
Like I'm pissed at Aaron because had he just listened to me he and his family would be here right now and I wouldn't be so worried.
And like I told my dad yesterday that I wanted to go to home-coming and he was like.
"Do you have a date?"
And then he was saying how I wouldn't have any fun if I went alone.

So now I'm like totally torn, I really want to go but I don't want to be bored out of my mind either.
And then he was like "I thought you'd be talking to Ethan about his Senior Prom"
And mentally I was like "WTF" because I honestly didn't think that Dad liked him enough to say that and then also I was kinda like "Yeah but I don't see him asking me."
Dad thinks he will.
I totally think he won't.
But whatever.

I do have good news though.
Ali is back!!!!!!!
And hopefully her computer will be fixed soon.
I'm dying to roleplay.
The new single by FOB isn't...horrible but it's not their best.
But like there's this underlining beat in it that totally sucks.
If they got rid of that underlining beat it'd be killer though.
But I could totally see myself dancing to it.
XD

And I don't like Joe's new hair style.
It's totally ick.
I liked it better when it was short.
P-trix is still totally cute.
And I still think him and Ali will be amazingly sexy together <3.
That is if she still wants him.


Okay so anyways.
The song title is taken from a line in "Snuff" by Slipknot. I'm like totally obsessed with their new album "All Hope Is Gone" It's amazing. And Snuff is one of my most favorite songs on the album. It's also like the only slow song on the album. But yuh. I did lyrics to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5mD56XY0U4
It's amazing.
It makes me think of Alex from E.O.D.S.O.T.D.
And like the struggle she goes through with her friends and lovers.
And like I'm thinking maybe.
Just maybe.
I might be able to finish writting that book now.
I really hope I'm able to, afterall.
It was my first book.
The original.
The one that got me started.
The one that was started from an intro I was writting for a roleplay.
The one that everyone is constantly bugging me to finish.

So maybe now I can complete it.
Edit it.
And possibly publish it.

So, now I'm thinking about Aaron again.
Like I think I love him.
Like I know I love everyone.
But I mean I think I love him.
And I don't think he cares.
Like I've told him that I thought I was falling for him.
And when I try to get a direct answer about how he feels about me he kinda avoids answering it completely.
And like, in his letters and stuff he hints at stuff.
Like how he's saying he'll always try his best to protect me and stuff.
It makes me think he really likes me but then idk.
He's an amazing friend though.
And no matter what I want to keep him as a friend.
But I think I have no other choice but to distance myself from him.
And that really hurts.

Because I hate it when I have to put a wall up.
But like I think he already has a wall up.
Well it's kinda like a room.
And inside this room is our friendship and how awesome it is.
But outside of this room is what could be if he'd let it happen.
But he's not letting it happen.
So now I guess I don't really have a choice.
I have to stop myself from loving him.
I've been told you can't help who your heart loves.
I suppose it's true.
But like I said, I have no choice now.

"And then, I carefully sealed away my heart."


Most people won't recongize that quote nor understand why I used it.
But as Ali and a few other people know. I have my own Edward and my own Jacob.
Aaron is my Jacob.
And at the moment I'm not a 100 percent sure who's my Edward.
But he is my Jacob.
And he's backing me up into a wall.
I feel like I'm his shoes though.
I feel like saying.

"I can fight the clouds, but I can't fight an eclipse."

I feel like I'm fighting an eclipse and I don't even know who the Eclipse is.
I suppose the Eclipse is himself.
For a while I thought maybe he'd put us in this room because he was trying to protect himself.
But then I think about how he's always saying how he wants to protect me and stuff.
And I have to wonder.
Is he trying to protect me?
Is he worried he'll hurt me?
Is that what this is all about?

Gah, I hate these feelings.
Like I can't control anything.
Like I love him, I want him.
But then I don't.
Like I need to be loved by him.
But I need to be loved by someone besides him.
Like I don't want him to say he loves me if he doesn't.
But then apart of me would be happy to believe the lie.

"Love is irrational. I reminded myself, the more you loved someone, the less sense anything made"

Boy isn't that the truth.
But do I really love him?
I don't know.
I think I do.
But I could be wrong.

Anyways.
I think I better go.
I'm starving and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears.
So I better quit writting.


Later,
Dollface.

If I died.....WE'D PARTY! (Kidding. Kidding)

So, I'm blogging tonight because I've got a lot on my mind and I know I won't be able to sleep until I get these thoughts written down.
So I'd rather loose an extra thirty minutes to an hours sleep than loose two hours because I was too lazy to blog.


Okay, I'm kinda having to be careful at the moment.
Because I'm starting to let peoples opinions of me effect what I do and I refuse to let that happen again.
So I'm stepping back and looking at my life again.
I'm trying to decide exactly what I want in life.
Exactly what I plan to do with my life.
I mean sure, there are some things that won't change like.

I still plan to stay a virgin until marriage.
I still think promises rings are really cool.
I still want a promise ring (I've wanted one since I was like eleven)
I still want to get my pilotes license someday.
I still want to be a chef and a published Author
I still want to be someone that little kids can look up to.
I still want to travel the world.
I still want to find that person who completes me.
I still want to be with that person who completes me.
I still wonder if I already know that person.
I still want to follow the plan that God has for my life.
I still want to be a good friend, daughter, cousin, aunt, sister and whatever else I'm not thinking of.


But there are so many things that keep changing in my life.
I mean sure, change is a major part of life and I have to accept that and I have.
I understand that not everyone who I want to have in my life will be able to stay in my life.
I also understand that life isn't perfect and that I'll have to go through a lot of shit to find the good in life.
You know while I was in the shower I was thinking about how some people have really impacted my life and how like if I were to die tomorrow how many things there is that I haven't been able to tell people that I wish they could know.
In some cases I've told people but I'm not sure they believed me or I'm not sure they'll remember it.
I think I'm gonna post the link to this on my myspace later cause if something ever does happen to me I want my friends and family to read this, I want the people I love and care for to know how I feel about them.
I'm not saying that I think I'm going to die tomorow nor am I saying that I'm planning on killing myself or something.

But I can't promise that I'll wake up tomorrow, I can't promise that I won't get hit by a car next week, I can't promise that I'll be sitting here talking to any of you twenty years from now.I could die tomorow.
And if I did, there are so many things I want so many people to know.
You know it's funny how the first thing I think about is how I want people to know how much I love them before I die.
I mean I'm not worried about the stuff that I won't have done before I die.
I'm worried about the stuff I have done.
I'm worried about the effect that my actions will leave on the people around me.

If I died tomorrow, would Tyler know that no matter how much hell he's put me through that I still love him and that I forgive him?
If I died tomorrow, would Ms.Carrie know that she's one of those people who I never want to disappoint because thats how much her opinion of me matters?
If I died tomorrow, would all of my friends know how important they are to me?
If I died tomorrow, would my nephews and niece know how much I love them? How much they mean to me?
If I died tomorrow, would my brother know that no matter how many mistakes his made that he's still my bubba and I will always love him?
If I died tomorrow, would any of my family know how much they mean to me?

And see here's the thing as I sit here. I don't know the answer to those questions. I would like to believe that they would know, but I highly doubt they would. I mean I'm actually crying right now because I realize that if I did die tomorrow none of them would know any of those things unless they read this and even if they did, I don't think they would be able to understand the emotions I feel.


You know how I mentioned how some people have really impacted my life?
Well, there was one family that popped into my mind. I don't know why but they were the ones who stood out amongst the rest.


So Ryan, if by some freak chance your reading this. How do you feel knowing that you were my first crush?
That I regret all those times I saw you after you moved but I was to shy to talk to you?
That to this day I still ask myself 'what if?' I mean had you continued to live down the street from me, would you have been my first boyfriend?
Would I have gotten to go to home-coming with a guy I really like, would I have gotten to dress up for home coming because I wanted to show the guy I care about that I'm more than just the tom boy he grew up with? and not because I want to impress everyone else?

You know it's funny.I still think about things we did when we were young.
Do you remember when we first met?
Do you remember that time when you fell out of a tree and landed on top of me?
Do you remember how you gave me my first pokemon cards?
Do you remember 'our' song?.

Dude, I wonder if you even listen to what I consider to be 'our' song anymore.
Hell I wonder what you even listen to now a days. I'm thinking probably country and rock music.
So does this sound familier?
"I went through the desert on a horse with no name it felt good to be out on the range."

Heh Heh.
Yeah, not much has changed about me I suppose.
I still don't think I could talk correctly if I saw you again.
I still think you'd be extremely handsome.
I still think I'd try a little to hard to impress you.

Hmm.I wonder if you will ever actually read this, I mean it's not likely to happen but it'd be kinda cool if you did.
Cause like this is the stuff that I've been meaning to tell you for years and that I've never gotten the chance too.
So since I refuse to call your dad anything other than Mr.{insert last name here} I think I'm just gonna stick with Mr. P.
Do you think that'll be okay?
Oh geeze, now I'm nervous.
I mean your parents have always been Mr and Mrs {insert last name here}.
It was never 'Ryan's mom' or 'Ryan's dad'
I guess that's one way your family impacted my life.
I'm more serious when it comes to manners thanks to guys.
I mean yeah, my parents are one reason I'm big on manners but to this day I still call your parents Mr and Mrs. P.
Well not literally Mr. & Mrs P.
But you get what I mean right?


So how's Andrew?.
I remember going to his fifth birthday party....Oh wow.
I just realized something, he's eleven or twelve now.
Great now I feel old. *Rolls eyes*
And I remember Lauren when she was little...it is Lauren right?
I rarely ever heard her real name.
Because if you remember correctly ya'll always called her 'little girl'.
I wonder what your up to now a days.
I wonder how your parents are.
I wonder if your parents ever realized how much I admire them.

Hey, Ryan? can you do me a favor?
And always remember that your really lucky to have parents like them.
And always tell them you love them because you never know how long you'll have them.
Oh and tell Mrs.P that all those times I saw her and she'd say I was growing up to be very pretty. That I was always so thrilled by the compliment because I've always thought your mom was beautiful.
Oh and tell Mr. P that to this day I've always thought he was a really nice guy, and really handsome too.
I bet you look a lot like him.

I still remember you like it was yesterday.
I wish I knew whatever happened to those pictures of you and Andrew.
You know, I still have the pokemon cards you gave me.
And I really wish I could have kept that promise I made to you, do you remember it?.
When you gave me the cards you said "Promise me you'll let me know when you get more pokemon cards"
And when I did get more I remember thinking that I'd have to find someway to get a hold of you to tell you I had 'em.

Oh wow, I'm really taking a trip down memory lane aren't I?.
Ah, well.
This is a part of my past, a very important part.
So I want to say I'm sorry for that one time I was really rude to you.

It was in '04 or '05 I think.
And it was at the high school auditerium and there was that christmas play going on.
I was sitting like right in front of you, my nephew was in the play.
I remember all that week the different grades were doing their plays and that day was my nephews grades day.
I think he was in K or first.
And I noticed you were behind me and I'd been arguing with myself about turning around and talking to you but I'd also promised myself that I'd be a good aunt and pay close attention to the play since Charlie was in it.
But I remember one of your friends tapping me on the shoulder and asking.
"Hey, is your name Amy?"
and I'd been so nervous I'd just been like
"Yes"
and then turned away to watch the play.
and I could hear you guys whispering and then he tapped me on the shoulder again and was like
"Do you remember living down the street from a ry-"
"Yeah, I lived down the street from him."

Oh haha, what a great song to have come on at this exact moment.
"Broken" by Seether just came on.
I love this song but it's just kinda ironic that it came on at this exact moment.
Anyways, I want to apologize for being so rude.
I mean I had the chance to talk to you when the play was over but I was so nervous and so embarresed that I just left.
To this day I still regret that.
I wish I would have stayed and talked.
I remember when I was walking away you standing up and watching me go, I remember you waving and I kinda half waved back and tried to smile.
I think I failed miserible.
Gosh, I hate myself for that.

You know I always said that the feelings I had for you back then were more than that of just a crush because you were on my mind like all the time for two maybe three years, even after you moved to the other side of town.
I think I might have loved you.
Even now my heart hurts at the thought of what might have been.
I was such an idiot.I know that now.
I know now that all I really want is for us to still be friends.
But are we even friends?
I would love to think we are, but I'm not sure if we are.

You know, the other day I looked up ya'lls phone number online and I think I found it.
But I was too scared to call.
I think I might look it up again.
And I think I might just call.
I think I might just decide to call and talk to you.
Maybe I'll be lucky and you'll remember me.

Ah but that's just wistful thinking isn't it, my dear?.
Well, if you happen to be reading this.
Please find someway to get ahold of me.
I still live where I always have.

Oh! how I wish you could come and visit.
So many things have changed in the neighborhood and yet in a way everything seems the same.
Do you remember the pecon tree I mentioned earlier? the one that you fell on top of me out of?
Yeah, the new owners took that tree out.
Actually me and you both know the owners pretty well.
But I literally cried, that tree held so many memories, not just that one.
I remember us playing out under it, I remember the time Andrew kept insisting that he was old enough to climb up in it.
I remember the time you took this huge prey mantis and you put it on my back and I freaked and Andrew was laughing so hard.

Gosh, we have a lot of good memories together, a few bad but most of them were good.
Or like.....*smiles* I remember there was one time we were at the basketbal court and there was a bluebonnet that was pulled out of the ground and laying on the cement and how I was kinda freaking out about it.
But then you told me that I could keep it because I didn't pick it from the owners property, that since it was already pulled up it was okay and I remember picking it up and teasingly acted like I was going to put it in my hair and then you'd say something like"Here let me help"
and you'd taken it from me and you'd moved my hair out of my face and put my hair behind my ear in a certain way and slipped the flower behind my ear, you'd been extremely gently when touching me.
I suppose that's one of my favorite memories.
And I remember giggling and saying thank you and then something about how I was wondering if there was anything you weren't good at.
And you'd just said something like. "I try to be skilled in a lot of things."


You were always so mature for your age.
Perhaps even too mature for me, eh?.
You know, a small part of me wonders if I still love you.
I mean of course I love you, I love everybody and you'll always be my friend rather or not the feelings are mutual.
But I wonder if I love you as more than a friend.
Wouldn't that be funny if we ended up together?.
Not that I'd complain if we did.
No, I could think of a lot worse people to end up with.
And I can't think of much better.
Of course, we haven't seen each other in a while so it's possible that you've changed a lot.
I probably wouldn't even know you anymore.

Anyways, I better hit the hay, I think I've finally gotten all these thoughts out of my head.
I might actually manage to sleep now.

So to all my friend and family, I love you all very much and you are all very important to me. Just remember that.


XOXO,
Dollface.


P.S.I wrote this nearly twenty-four hours ago, but the internet wasn't working, so I'm just now posting it.