Difficult

So you remember in New Moon when Bella was thinking about all the stuff that she could live with?
Like what was the most horrible thing that could happen to her that she could live through?


Well, today for the first time since Tyler called me a 'real loser'.
I'm talking to him.
Some part of me really missed him, hated it everytime I heard mom mentioned him, wanted to just disappear and forget everytime mom said "Oh you should tell Tyler that....[Insert whatever story here]"
It hurt to realize that it was over.
And even though I'm talking to him now.
It's still over, I felt relief that he was okay when he IMed me.
But at the same time I felt annoyance.
Because I was like "If he cared about our friendship wouldn't he have called me?" and then he didn't.

And now like we're talking.
And I'm dealing with one of those problems that I always promise myself I'll deal with later and I never do.
I know Ali and Gowri won't agree with me.
They'll argue and argue and argue with me for hours and hours for this.

But I am a "real loser" as he called me.
Just not for the reason he thinks.
I'm pathetic.
I do things for the wrong reasons.
The things I do make no sense.
My mind is chaotic place and usually I can't explain what I was thinking at the time I did something.
It's complicated.
But so true.
Sometimes I am the person everyone thinks.
I have those days when I'm this really awesome and encoraging friend.
But usually, I can't explain what I'm feeling.
I can't explain what I'm doing.
Sometimes I do things on the spur of the moment, sometimes I think them through.
Sometimes I regret what I do at some point.
Not always.
I mean I love Tyler.
I don't regret dating him.
But sometimes I wish I hadn't of asked him out.
Wished I'd just let things..happen.
Wished I hadn't of argued with him on the kissing thing.
Wished I'd done things differently.

But the past is the past and cannot be changed.
I know that technacially I should be so hard on myself.
And I know for a fact I shouldn't have ever been so hard on Tyler.
Sometimes I did things intending for them to turn out good.
But they failed.
I hate this.
Half the time I feel like I'm a totally honest and open person.
And the other time I feel like I have thi huge ego and I'm a total bitch.

*Sighs*

There's so much I could blog about.
So many feelings to express, so many memories to share, so many things to say.
So little time.
I'm so confused.
I'm trying to be as real as possible.
I'm trying to be well...me.
Trying to be believeble.

So I'll admit, not talking to Tyler was....is. Difficult.
But it's possible.
I can handle it.
I can deal.
Now I'd just believe me when I said he'd be better off without me around.
But he's determined to not have a goodbye between even though we've technacially already had one.


Anyways, I'm out.


XOXO,
Dollface.