A profound realization.

While in the Prayer Service today.
I didn't cry as much as I thought I would.
Though I did cry.
On the way home I came to a profound realization.
I believe I didn't cry as much as I thought I would due to me trying to be everyone elses shoulder to cry on.
I realized that everyone else was comforting each other and not me because I'm used to dealing with pain alone and they aren't.
And so they need the comfort more than I do.

Even as I sat there crying.
Ashley on one side crying.
And Karrie on the other.
Not once did either reach out to comfort me. Only once when I'd rubbed Ashley on the back and she hugged me did Karrie then proceed to hug us and try to help.
I think....I think I'm just a loner.
Because though I cry in public very rarely.
When I do, no one is brave enough to approach me.
And so I am forced to deal with it alone.
So here I sit.
Realizing that I'm alone.
Though there are people here for me.
Like my family.
My friends are too far away to be of any help.
And some wouldn't know what to do anyways.
I am not angry that people do not try to comfort me.
It's just the way things are.

I'm the rock.
I'm the one everyone leans on.
No one ever expects that I'll need to lean on them and so....when it happens.
They don't comfort me, because they either don't know what to do or they assume I have it covered.
I don't know what it is.
Or why I just realized it on the way home.
But either way.
It's the truth.
And the two people who I wish could be here are stuck in the military doing training.

And guess what? I have no idea how I'm going to survive the summer.
Brian just informed me that in about a week he has to go off the grid for a month (I.E. no phone, no internet for a month which eaquls no contact.)
Well...maybe we can snail mail each other...I'll have to ask about that one.



XOXO,
Dollface.