Say Say Say

Listening to the Michael Jackson tribute playlist on playlist.com
Title is taken from the song "Say Say Say"
Basically ready to go.
Already have a pic of my outfit.
Just need a close up of the shoes.
Currently toying with idea of getting on Tumblr for a few.
I look really girly.
And strangely enough I like it.



XOXO,
Dollface.

More later.

Thought about it.
And yeah, I'm still upset.
Yesterday was the first sunday with out Crystal there.
I spent most of the church service crying.
There were some laughs though.
The service was more laid back and for the most part it was just a time for everyone to just be.
To just...try and support each other I suppose.
But I did, I cried.
I wished I could have had someone to hold onto.
But then, even if someone had been there.
I'm not sure I would have.
Because I'm not used to having someone to hold on to.

But I know I'll be okay.
I just don't know how long it'll take.
I just know that it'll definitely take a while.
I hope I'm more or less back to normal by the time Brian gets here.
I'd hate to be just....all emotional while he's here.
Though if he's here during the one year anniversy of her death then I'm sure he'll be here for at least one night of tears.

And....I guess I'll blog more later.
Like when my mind is more willing to attempt this.


XOXO,
Dollface.

CHECK IT OUT BITCH!

www.cherry-waves.tumblr.com

This dude got me hooked on some really amazing music.
To find out which songs check out mine:
www.ily2.tumblr.com

To listen to those songs check out his.
Anyways.
Missing Brian like crazy.
He left for California today.
I haven't spoken with him since Saturday.
It really sucks.
Um...yeah.
Really enjoying this music he got me hooked on.
It's awesome.
Annnnnd yeah.
I'll blog more soon, I think.



XOXO,
Dollface

A profound realization.

While in the Prayer Service today.
I didn't cry as much as I thought I would.
Though I did cry.
On the way home I came to a profound realization.
I believe I didn't cry as much as I thought I would due to me trying to be everyone elses shoulder to cry on.
I realized that everyone else was comforting each other and not me because I'm used to dealing with pain alone and they aren't.
And so they need the comfort more than I do.

Even as I sat there crying.
Ashley on one side crying.
And Karrie on the other.
Not once did either reach out to comfort me. Only once when I'd rubbed Ashley on the back and she hugged me did Karrie then proceed to hug us and try to help.
I think....I think I'm just a loner.
Because though I cry in public very rarely.
When I do, no one is brave enough to approach me.
And so I am forced to deal with it alone.
So here I sit.
Realizing that I'm alone.
Though there are people here for me.
Like my family.
My friends are too far away to be of any help.
And some wouldn't know what to do anyways.
I am not angry that people do not try to comfort me.
It's just the way things are.

I'm the rock.
I'm the one everyone leans on.
No one ever expects that I'll need to lean on them and so....when it happens.
They don't comfort me, because they either don't know what to do or they assume I have it covered.
I don't know what it is.
Or why I just realized it on the way home.
But either way.
It's the truth.
And the two people who I wish could be here are stuck in the military doing training.

And guess what? I have no idea how I'm going to survive the summer.
Brian just informed me that in about a week he has to go off the grid for a month (I.E. no phone, no internet for a month which eaquls no contact.)
Well...maybe we can snail mail each other...I'll have to ask about that one.



XOXO,
Dollface.

SEVEN?! WTF!?

Seven posts....
All I have is seven posts for this month.
Wtf is wrong with me?



Oh, I got a tumblr.

http://ily2.tumblr.com



-Dollface

Hey, I listen to suggustions.

Was shifting through Ali's blog.
Catching up on the things I missed.
Still have some more reading to do.
But one song on her new playlist caught my attention so I looked it up.
It's pretty good.
"Not Listening" - Sick Of Sarah.
I actually really like it.
And I haven't even finished listening to it the first time.
Yes....I think I'll be okay.
But it's going to take time.
And right now.
I'm not okay.
Kinda like that MCR song?

"I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not oh-f*cking-kay.
Trust me."



XOXO,
Dollface

Fuck.

I just....I can't.
I can't.
I can't think.
I can't breath.
I know that if I try to eat I'll just puke it up.
I'm not even hungry.
My head is pounding.
I could just break something.
I'm angry and I'm upset and I just...I just wish things were different.
Do you know I didn't even get to hug her on sunday?
Because I didn't want to interupt what she was doing long enough to get a hug.
I didn't go to youth group last wednesday.
The last wednesday she'd ever be with us.
I'm...I'm....fuck.
I just....I can't.
I can't do this.

Blank.

My mind feels so blank most of the time.
Like at first it isn't.
At first it's kinda blank but at the same time it's spinning with thoughts and ideas.
But then it spins faster and faster and I have a hard time getting a grip on things so then it feels blank though it isn't.
And then my head starts hurting.
And then my head is blank from pain.
But I still feel like there's things spinning in my mind.

Probably won't take a shower tonight.
The ghosts are driving me crazy.
Been texting since like 1:30 this afternoon.
I've probably sent like 300 texts since then.
Working 2-close tomorrow.
If our softball team wins the first game then we may try to catch thier second game at midnight.
Sucks I have to work 7-4 on Saturday.
(Yeah, they keep changing my damned sche)

Annnnd yeah.
New kid at work.
Friends with my cousins Dustin and Jessica.
Has been texting me.
He's like six months younger than me.
I was sorta interested until I heard that.
I really, really don't want to date someone younger than me again.

Sooo yeah.
Missing Brian like crazy.
Missing Aaron too.
I loves them both very much.
Just in different ways.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Current sche

Monday: 5-2
Tuesday: Off
Wednesday: Off; Might be going to see a movie and going to church.
Thursday: 5-2
Friday: 2-close
Saturday: 8-6
Sunday: Off; going to church, Maybe to san antonio.





XOXO,
Dollface

Sche.

Saturday, June 6th: 2- close.
Sunday: Off. Have church as usual.
Monday: Possibly off.
Tuesday: Off, might get to hang out with Aaron. (San Antonio Aaron, not Army Boy Aaron)
Wednesday: Off.
Thrusday: Possibly off.
Friday: 2-close
Saturday: 8-6

Will update this as soon as I know more.


XOXO,
Dollface

Not even going to bother attempting to come up with a witty title.

I can't do this.
I can't think.
I can't...I just can't.
I understand why Ali doesn't want to talk about this.
I can't blame her.
But right after I heard and I was heading home all I could think of was "Ali, Brian, Ali, Brian, Ali, Brian. Just one of them, please."
I need this.
But I can't, I can't ask her to deal with this.
I'm about to cry.
Not gonna lie.


Just.....shit.




XOXO,
Dollface.

HA! HA!

Oh hey, look.
It's June 1st.
Okay, technacially June 2nd because it's 12:20 AM.
But Whatever.
It's june 1st on the west coast.
Sooooo HA!



XOXO,
Dollface.