I didn't know that I'd fallen in love with him until just a few minutes ago.
When he texted me and told me about what happened last night after we quit texting each other, about what happend at that party.
I'm joking with him about it, and pretending to think it's hilarious because on the inside it hurts.
I mean it really hurts.
Not as bad as when Aaron broke my heart.
This isn't a broken heart, it's a damaged heart.
Like someone threw a rock at it.
If it was anyone else, I think I'd actually be laughing my ass off about the entire thing.
I'd call them a pervert and mean it, I told him that, but I didn't mean it.
I'm picking on him and joking around because I'm on the verge of tears but I could never tell him that.
I think he's a little irrated with me and I don't know why.
I think it's because he's not used to being picked on, even though I'm most definitely kidding.
This is not what I expected.
I knew I liked him.
Knew that the other night when his name popped up on the screen of my phone that I felt all warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Knew that last night when he said that he'd wait until I was 18 to go out with me and I said that he didn't have too and he responded with "maybe I want too" that I had butterflies in my stomach.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I'm perfectly content to wait on Brian and yet....Derrick's tempting.
And I've appearently fallen for him.
But it's not a lust thing like with Travis, I look back now and realize that when I dated Travis it had to do with lust, not love.
With Derrick, I really do like him.

Grr, what the fuck am I getting myself into?


XOXO,
Dollface

The one thing that'll never change between us.

Is how open we are with each other.
I don't think it's really possible for me to keep things from you anymore, Ali.
You are my best friend and I love you to death.
Thanks for the advice and right now i'm just going to try to move forward and try not to make any major decisions, however as soon as I have another job I will quit McDonalds.
Because with the way things are going right now I can't get a manager position and since that's all I want and I can't have it and since there's just so much crap out there and everything i think I'm better off leaving.
I'll post more later I think.
I'mma sign on AIM again soon, I want to talk to you.
I want to knit and I want to pow and I want things to just be how they used to be, before we both got slammed with so much pain and misery.

I haven't been here in so long...

And I think that's because I kinda considered this blog to be apart of my past that I'm trying to get over.
And I just thought it'd be easier if I wasn't here anymore.
But....I still need this.
I'm blogging here today, because what I have to say I want Ali to hear and no one else.
I kinda feel like this is a special place for just me and her now.
A place where I can let all these emotions loose and I know she won't judge because she's such an amazing friend.

There's so much to say and very little time.
I've fallen all over again.
Fallen head over heels and I told him.
I literally told him this time.
I wanted to make sure that if my heart was broken this time, that it was on purpose.
Because I know it'll take the death of hope to let him go.
But he won't do it.
He's tearing me up on the inside because he can't do it.
He can't tell me what he's feeling, what he's thinking.
He can't smash my heart into a million pieces either.
He's just cruel enough that I can almost feel my heart falling apart.
But just mysterious enough that I still have hope that he loves me too.

Half of me feels like it's a mistake dating Travis, especially since I love Aaron so incredibly much.
But the thing is....I could be happy with Travis.
If I just tried, if I just pushed this pain back and forced a smile onto my face than given a little bit of time I could honestly be happy with Travis and soon it wouldn't be a lie anymore.
But it's not really a lie now.
I am happy with Travis, but there's a lot of pain mixed in with this happiness.
I'm still going to go see Aaron sometime within the next few months.
I want to see him once.
I want to look him in the eyes and ask him to be honest with me.
And if he looks away when he answers, then I'll know the truth.

I actually kinda hate myself.
Because....I can't understand why I can't just be happy with the way life is.
I still miss Brian alot.
I want to talk to him so bad.
I want to tell him that I still love him.
But that we need to stay friends for now, because I don't want to lose him either.
But I love him in a slightly different way than I love Aaron.
I'm leaving out so many details in this post and I didn't realize it until now.

Like yesterday, as I texted with Aaron, being completely honest with him I started to read the first letter he'd ever wrote to me.
And the tears came before I made it half-way through.
It hurt so bad, because apart of me thinks he's lied to me about everything.
And I can't stand myself for thinking that because he's my best guy friend and I just wish....wish he could see...could understand how I'm feeling and that he'd just be honest with me.


XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I miss you wifey.

Haha

Haven't been on here in so long.
Tis strange to be back.
But I'm determined to do lots of blogging on here.
Have been really busy lately, haven't been online much.
Going to camp tomorrow.
Should be fun.
Need to finish packing.
And finish cleaning my room.
And finish the laundry
Oh and then take a shower.
Currently talking to my wifey, I've missed her very much.
OH!
I have a surprise for ya'll.
I GOT GLASSES!.



XOXO,
Dollface

Say Say Say

Listening to the Michael Jackson tribute playlist on playlist.com
Title is taken from the song "Say Say Say"
Basically ready to go.
Already have a pic of my outfit.
Just need a close up of the shoes.
Currently toying with idea of getting on Tumblr for a few.
I look really girly.
And strangely enough I like it.



XOXO,
Dollface.

More later.

Thought about it.
And yeah, I'm still upset.
Yesterday was the first sunday with out Crystal there.
I spent most of the church service crying.
There were some laughs though.
The service was more laid back and for the most part it was just a time for everyone to just be.
To just...try and support each other I suppose.
But I did, I cried.
I wished I could have had someone to hold onto.
But then, even if someone had been there.
I'm not sure I would have.
Because I'm not used to having someone to hold on to.

But I know I'll be okay.
I just don't know how long it'll take.
I just know that it'll definitely take a while.
I hope I'm more or less back to normal by the time Brian gets here.
I'd hate to be just....all emotional while he's here.
Though if he's here during the one year anniversy of her death then I'm sure he'll be here for at least one night of tears.

And....I guess I'll blog more later.
Like when my mind is more willing to attempt this.


XOXO,
Dollface.

CHECK IT OUT BITCH!

www.cherry-waves.tumblr.com

This dude got me hooked on some really amazing music.
To find out which songs check out mine:
www.ily2.tumblr.com

To listen to those songs check out his.
Anyways.
Missing Brian like crazy.
He left for California today.
I haven't spoken with him since Saturday.
It really sucks.
Um...yeah.
Really enjoying this music he got me hooked on.
It's awesome.
Annnnnd yeah.
I'll blog more soon, I think.



XOXO,
Dollface