I haven't been here in so long...

And I think that's because I kinda considered this blog to be apart of my past that I'm trying to get over.
And I just thought it'd be easier if I wasn't here anymore.
But....I still need this.
I'm blogging here today, because what I have to say I want Ali to hear and no one else.
I kinda feel like this is a special place for just me and her now.
A place where I can let all these emotions loose and I know she won't judge because she's such an amazing friend.

There's so much to say and very little time.
I've fallen all over again.
Fallen head over heels and I told him.
I literally told him this time.
I wanted to make sure that if my heart was broken this time, that it was on purpose.
Because I know it'll take the death of hope to let him go.
But he won't do it.
He's tearing me up on the inside because he can't do it.
He can't tell me what he's feeling, what he's thinking.
He can't smash my heart into a million pieces either.
He's just cruel enough that I can almost feel my heart falling apart.
But just mysterious enough that I still have hope that he loves me too.

Half of me feels like it's a mistake dating Travis, especially since I love Aaron so incredibly much.
But the thing is....I could be happy with Travis.
If I just tried, if I just pushed this pain back and forced a smile onto my face than given a little bit of time I could honestly be happy with Travis and soon it wouldn't be a lie anymore.
But it's not really a lie now.
I am happy with Travis, but there's a lot of pain mixed in with this happiness.
I'm still going to go see Aaron sometime within the next few months.
I want to see him once.
I want to look him in the eyes and ask him to be honest with me.
And if he looks away when he answers, then I'll know the truth.

I actually kinda hate myself.
Because....I can't understand why I can't just be happy with the way life is.
I still miss Brian alot.
I want to talk to him so bad.
I want to tell him that I still love him.
But that we need to stay friends for now, because I don't want to lose him either.
But I love him in a slightly different way than I love Aaron.
I'm leaving out so many details in this post and I didn't realize it until now.

Like yesterday, as I texted with Aaron, being completely honest with him I started to read the first letter he'd ever wrote to me.
And the tears came before I made it half-way through.
It hurt so bad, because apart of me thinks he's lied to me about everything.
And I can't stand myself for thinking that because he's my best guy friend and I just wish....wish he could see...could understand how I'm feeling and that he'd just be honest with me.


XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I miss you wifey.