Okay, so before I get into the LOL moments of the day.
I want to post something that's like surprising/awesome/strange.
Me and Arjun have been dating one month today, can you believe it?.
One whole month.
Seriously this year is just flying by.
I feel like we haven't been together that long, and yet at the same time. I feel like we've been together almost longer than a month.
It's a strange feeling.
ALRIGHT!
Now for the funny stuff.
[Alicia] says:
Omg. Ew. Ugh. Have you seen the new movie poster?
[Alicia] says:
It's awful.
Honey-bum says:
For Twilight?
[Alicia] says:
Yes'm.
[Alicia] says:
I was just looking on the site, it's..
[Alicia] says:
I...
[Alicia] says:
dude.
Honey-bum says:
Where is it?
Honey-bum says:
I don't see it on the website
[Alicia] says:
Huh. On steph's site? The most recent post from like.. today?
Honey-bum says:
OH
Honey-bum says:
I'm on the movie sire
Honey-bum says:
site*
Honey-bum says:
WTF
Honey-bum says:
IT MAKES EDWARD LOOK SO FECKING GAY!
[Alicia] says:
I know, right.
Honey-bum says:
I mean Bella looks fine.
Honey-bum says:
But he looks....gah.....I mean...ew
[Alicia] says:
I know, right.
[Alicia] says:
I think they edited a picture or something, because that doesn't look like the guy at all.
Honey-bum says:
Yeah I know.
Honey-bum says:
He looks like this guy from Wolf Lake who's a werewolf >.<
Honey-bum says:
But like a gayer verison of the guy from wolf Lake.
Please note, that there is nothing wrong with gay people. I am friends with several gays and I do not mean this to be offence to them.
Honey-bum says:
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
[Alicia] says:
...what.
Honey-bum says:
"Leave out all the rest" - Linkin park is on the twilight soundtrack!
Honey-bum says:
I always thought that song would be awesome in the movie.
Honey-bum says:
But I didn't think they'd use it
[Alicia] says:
Mhm.
[Alicia] says:
I'm not very fond of Linkin Park, or really any of the music they're using.But eh.
Honey-bum says:
I can't wait to hear Balla's lullaby
[Alicia] says:
rofl. Balla's?
[Alicia] says:
What are we? Gangsters?
[Alicia] says:
Nah, I'm kidding. I knew what you meant.
Honey-bum says:
Oh whoa
Honey-bum says:
BALLAS!
Yeah, I know. My typo's are hilarious right?.
Alright, anyways.
I have to get back to my roleplays soooo...
Love ya'll,
Dollface.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Dance steps.
Okay, so the past couple of days I was thinking about how we'd had the dance off at camp and how like Bailey had wanted me to teach her dance moves and stuff.
And I was thinking about how I hadn't taken a lot of time this year to learn new dances simply because of how busy I've been.
So today I'm learning new dance moves.
And I've decided that once I create a new routine.
I'm going to record it and post it on myspace and youtube.
The reason it's being posted on Myspace is because Bailey is a friend on my private profile.
And I think she'd like to see the new routine.
On another note,
Ali hasn't been online at all today.
Which I don't like very much.
She's making me worried.
Also, Arjun gave me a petname.
He's been trying to come up with one for a while and now he has one.
He was all like "Due to you having a ghetto booty and how I like to call you Honey...I am now calling you HONEY-BUM!"
I literally ROFLed so hard.
Oh and Bernice(Lee, Tany.) was so awesome today, the convo went like this:
call me lee from now on says:
so you got accepted to a school right?.
Honey-bum says:
No, I wasn't accepted.
Honey-bum says:
Because I didn't give them my paperwork yet
call me lee from now on says:
what how could they not accept you your amy im furious. *Mad face*
Honey-bum says:
Bernice, calm down!
Honey-bum says:
They can't accept me until I give them my paper work.
Honey-bum says:
because it's not legal to accept me before they get it.
call me lee from now on says:
oh well there still lameos if it was me in charge you would be the first one i aceppted
Honey-bum says:
Awww
Honey-bum says:
thank you Bernice.
Honey-bum says:
That means alot
call me lee from now on says:
im glad
And seriously, that did mean alot.
So thank you, Bernice.
I love you. <3
XOXO,
Dollface.
P.S. As you can see, I've accepted my new petname. LOL.
And I was thinking about how I hadn't taken a lot of time this year to learn new dances simply because of how busy I've been.
So today I'm learning new dance moves.
And I've decided that once I create a new routine.
I'm going to record it and post it on myspace and youtube.
The reason it's being posted on Myspace is because Bailey is a friend on my private profile.
And I think she'd like to see the new routine.
On another note,
Ali hasn't been online at all today.
Which I don't like very much.
She's making me worried.
Also, Arjun gave me a petname.
He's been trying to come up with one for a while and now he has one.
He was all like "Due to you having a ghetto booty and how I like to call you Honey...I am now calling you HONEY-BUM!"
I literally ROFLed so hard.
Oh and Bernice(Lee, Tany.) was so awesome today, the convo went like this:
call me lee from now on says:
so you got accepted to a school right?.
Honey-bum says:
No, I wasn't accepted.
Honey-bum says:
Because I didn't give them my paperwork yet
call me lee from now on says:
what how could they not accept you your amy im furious. *Mad face*
Honey-bum says:
Bernice, calm down!
Honey-bum says:
They can't accept me until I give them my paper work.
Honey-bum says:
because it's not legal to accept me before they get it.
call me lee from now on says:
oh well there still lameos if it was me in charge you would be the first one i aceppted
Honey-bum says:
Awww
Honey-bum says:
thank you Bernice.
Honey-bum says:
That means alot
call me lee from now on says:
im glad
And seriously, that did mean alot.
So thank you, Bernice.
I love you. <3
XOXO,
Dollface.
P.S. As you can see, I've accepted my new petname. LOL.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
COUNT DOWN!
Six minutes until curfew.
Can I blog about what I want to blog about in that amount of time?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I doubt it.
So I'm just gonna be really, really silly.
Okay? Okay.
So my number one song of this week is:
"Bang" - Armchair Cynics.
A big thank you to the lovely and cute Ali who introduced me to this song just a few hours ago.
XD
I love this song.
It's so epic.
AND
I fail.
:/
XOXO,
Dollface.
Can I blog about what I want to blog about in that amount of time?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I doubt it.
So I'm just gonna be really, really silly.
Okay? Okay.
So my number one song of this week is:
"Bang" - Armchair Cynics.
A big thank you to the lovely and cute Ali who introduced me to this song just a few hours ago.
XD
I love this song.
It's so epic.
AND
I fail.
:/
XOXO,
Dollface.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Well, this is lovely.
Okay, so I'll start off with good news.
Appearently, I didn't need to worry about my appointment with TCA today because well...they love me.
Like Ms.D.
She wanted me to fill out the paper work today and she was going to get the board of the directors to take a look at it before I left.
Basically I could have been accepted to go to college there today if I had wanted to.
Which surprised the living shit out of me.
I mean seriously, how offten does that happen?.
Of course, I doubt I would have been accepted today, I mean they probably would have waited until like monday and gotten like all the people on the board to look over the paperwork, but still.
Okay, so the school was pretty cool and my parents think I should go there.
I'm still torn on the subject, but I'll probably end up going there.
Alright, now here's the interesting thing.
I was texting Aaron this evening.
And this is basically how it went.
Aaron: "So how are things going?"
Me: "Good, TCA was awesome. You?"
Aaron: "Fine. TCA?"
Me: "Texas Culinary Academy"
Aaron: "I got it, right after I replied."
Me: "LOL!"
Aaron: "Yea funny."
Me: "So how's the weather?"
Aaron: "Fine, sunny and not cloudy. But is that the best you got?"
Me: "No, of course not."
Aaron: "Then start something fun."
Me: "I wanna take you to a gay bar!"
Aaron: "Better."
Me: "I kissed your mom on the armpit."
Aaron: "Huh?"
Me: "It's a parody."
Aaron: "How?"
Me: "NVM"
Aaron: "What?"
Me: "I love you?"
Aaron: "How so?."
Me: "Um...I'll explain when I call later."
Aaron: "When do you want to call?"
So I called him and we talked for a minute or two about pointless stuff and then it went like this.
Me:"So...what do you mean 'How so' Like do you mean do I love you as a friend or what?"
Aaron: "Yeah, basically."
Both of us: SILENT.
Me: "Umm...." *giggles* "This is akaward."
And then I went on to explain how like I didn't want to loose him as a friend and how I'd rather have him as a friend than not in my life at all because he's an awesome friend.
So he was like. "Okay, I won't say anything if it could mess with our friendship."
So I was like "Yeah, I love you as more than a friend."
And he like. "Alright." But it was very quiet, like cautious almost.
"I thought you knew actually."
"I had guessed, but I'm glad you got that off your chest."
or something like that.
So basically, even though I'd said I loved him, he thought I was being my normal self and saying I love him as a friend.
So now he knows.
And now I feel weird because this whole time I thought he knew.
And after that he was like "So is there anything else you want to tell me?"
"Um, nothing good."
"C'mon, you can tell me."
"Yeah, but it's complicated."
And then he talked me into telling him about how I'd been all depressed and stuff and he was like "You should have called me, I would have kept you from doing anything."
"You know, I almost did."
"You should have."
"I know."
And like a bunch of other stuff was said and like I feel relief and yet there's something else, some other emotion that I'm feeling and I can't tell what it is.
And like made me feel a little better though, like he always does.
But anyways, my curfew is coming up so I better go.
Maybe I'll be able to think better tomorrow and then it'll be easier to blog.
XOXO,
Dollface.
Appearently, I didn't need to worry about my appointment with TCA today because well...they love me.
Like Ms.D.
She wanted me to fill out the paper work today and she was going to get the board of the directors to take a look at it before I left.
Basically I could have been accepted to go to college there today if I had wanted to.
Which surprised the living shit out of me.
I mean seriously, how offten does that happen?.
Of course, I doubt I would have been accepted today, I mean they probably would have waited until like monday and gotten like all the people on the board to look over the paperwork, but still.
Okay, so the school was pretty cool and my parents think I should go there.
I'm still torn on the subject, but I'll probably end up going there.
Alright, now here's the interesting thing.
I was texting Aaron this evening.
And this is basically how it went.
Aaron: "So how are things going?"
Me: "Good, TCA was awesome. You?"
Aaron: "Fine. TCA?"
Me: "Texas Culinary Academy"
Aaron: "I got it, right after I replied."
Me: "LOL!"
Aaron: "Yea funny."
Me: "So how's the weather?"
Aaron: "Fine, sunny and not cloudy. But is that the best you got?"
Me: "No, of course not."
Aaron: "Then start something fun."
Me: "I wanna take you to a gay bar!"
Aaron: "Better."
Me: "I kissed your mom on the armpit."
Aaron: "Huh?"
Me: "It's a parody."
Aaron: "How?"
Me: "NVM"
Aaron: "What?"
Me: "I love you?"
Aaron: "How so?."
Me: "Um...I'll explain when I call later."
Aaron: "When do you want to call?"
So I called him and we talked for a minute or two about pointless stuff and then it went like this.
Me:"So...what do you mean 'How so' Like do you mean do I love you as a friend or what?"
Aaron: "Yeah, basically."
Both of us: SILENT.
Me: "Umm...." *giggles* "This is akaward."
And then I went on to explain how like I didn't want to loose him as a friend and how I'd rather have him as a friend than not in my life at all because he's an awesome friend.
So he was like. "Okay, I won't say anything if it could mess with our friendship."
So I was like "Yeah, I love you as more than a friend."
And he like. "Alright." But it was very quiet, like cautious almost.
"I thought you knew actually."
"I had guessed, but I'm glad you got that off your chest."
or something like that.
So basically, even though I'd said I loved him, he thought I was being my normal self and saying I love him as a friend.
So now he knows.
And now I feel weird because this whole time I thought he knew.
And after that he was like "So is there anything else you want to tell me?"
"Um, nothing good."
"C'mon, you can tell me."
"Yeah, but it's complicated."
And then he talked me into telling him about how I'd been all depressed and stuff and he was like "You should have called me, I would have kept you from doing anything."
"You know, I almost did."
"You should have."
"I know."
And like a bunch of other stuff was said and like I feel relief and yet there's something else, some other emotion that I'm feeling and I can't tell what it is.
And like made me feel a little better though, like he always does.
But anyways, my curfew is coming up so I better go.
Maybe I'll be able to think better tomorrow and then it'll be easier to blog.
XOXO,
Dollface.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I think confusion is going to be on my meau for awhile.
So, Aaron called yesterday like he said he would.
Of course he was calling on his work break so he coudn't talk long.
But before he got off the phone he was like.
"I'll talk to you later baby."
And everytime he calls me baby, babe or beautiful.
I just start smiling and feeling like...warm and fuzzy inside.
I love it when he uses those kind of names, even if we are only friends.
But then that got me thinking this morning.
About this one letter I got from him while he was in basic training, it was the one in response to the one where I mentioned meeting Ethan at the Charger Car Show.
And he's said that'd made him a little jealous.
So now I'm wondering what he meant by that.
Like Tyler is jealous of anyone I've gotten to hang out with more than him because he wishes he could spend more time with me.
And like I wonder if maybe that's what Aaron mean't.
Ugh, I don't know anymore.
But like I know in my last blog post I probably sounded like I didn't want Aaron to like me.
But like I do, it's just....so complicated.
AND OMG!
Arjun asked to see my sexified picture.
Do you remember that day Ali?
When I showed you that picture and you were like "Sexified and bossy" or something.
Omg, that was such an awesome day.
And like so hilarious.
Anyways,
Love ya'll,
Dollface.
P.S. I still need to finish my painting.
Of course he was calling on his work break so he coudn't talk long.
But before he got off the phone he was like.
"I'll talk to you later baby."
And everytime he calls me baby, babe or beautiful.
I just start smiling and feeling like...warm and fuzzy inside.
I love it when he uses those kind of names, even if we are only friends.
But then that got me thinking this morning.
About this one letter I got from him while he was in basic training, it was the one in response to the one where I mentioned meeting Ethan at the Charger Car Show.
And he's said that'd made him a little jealous.
So now I'm wondering what he meant by that.
Like Tyler is jealous of anyone I've gotten to hang out with more than him because he wishes he could spend more time with me.
And like I wonder if maybe that's what Aaron mean't.
Ugh, I don't know anymore.
But like I know in my last blog post I probably sounded like I didn't want Aaron to like me.
But like I do, it's just....so complicated.
AND OMG!
Arjun asked to see my sexified picture.
Do you remember that day Ali?
When I showed you that picture and you were like "Sexified and bossy" or something.
Omg, that was such an awesome day.
And like so hilarious.
Anyways,
Love ya'll,
Dollface.
P.S. I still need to finish my painting.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Snuff
"Bury all your secerts in my skin"
This part fits my relationship with everyone, because I want everyone to know that they can trust me. That they can relie on me and tell me all their secerts and that I'll be here for them no matter what. Like Tyler, he knows and that's why I can honestly say I know him better than his mother does, which is really, really sad.
"Come away with innocence."
I want my friends to feel better about themselves after they've told me their secerts, their dreams, their hopes and their fears. I want them to feel like themselves again.
"And leave me with sins."
I don't think people realize it, but for me when like no one seemed to notice that I wasn't totally myself, it made me feel like....everyone was leaving me with my problems....with my sins.
"The air around me still feels like a cage."
Even now, even though I'm better. I still feel like I'm trapped in a cage and everyone's outside of that cage and all my problems are being thrown at me from inside this cage and these problems, these fears, this pain. It's trying to break me, but I'm a little bit stronger now, I'm a little bit happier. Like last night I was laughing when me and my parents went out to dinner and then mom said something about how it was the first time I'd laughed in a couple of weeks and that's what told me how bad my depression was, that even though I knew I hadn't laughed my parents knew too. But it also told me I was getting better, because I laughed again.
"And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again."
Sometimes, love is just that. A camouflage, something to hide behind. And sometimes love does resemble rage. Like with Tyler, there are sometimes, even now. When I get so pissed at him that I just want to scream! and yet, I still love him. I still want him to be happy.
"So if you love me, let me go."
A part of me feels like, if everyone loved me they'd let me go while another part of me is begging to be held and I think I finally understand why I want to be let go. I think it's because that part of me has given up on being held, has finally decided that all I'm doing is hurting myself more by having this desire to be held.
"And run away before I know."
Run, just run. Aaron, if you love me, let me go. Woah, I didn't even realize that this part would go along with the part above. But apart of me, apart that's tired of being hurt wants him to just run away and forget about me. While another part wants to beg him to stay, beg him to love me.
"My heart is just to dark to care."
I kinda have to agree with that statement. My heart has been damanged so much, in so many ways, espcially when I was depressed that now I can hardly bring myself to care about anything. Like before, everything I felt was very vived. Fear, anger, happiness, love, pain, all of it. It all felt so vived before and now it's just dull, like a pastel painting or something.
"I can't destory what isn't there."
I can't destory the relationship me and Aaron have, because their isn't one. I want there to be one, but....there's not and i know that if there was one, I probably would destory it, because for some reason I always ruin what's good in my life. For some reason I can't be happy without wondering "When's this going to be taken from me? How long will this happiness last before it's ripped from my grasp?"
"Deliver me into my fate"
Tyler, Aaron. Show me my fate and leave me to it. If my fate is that I'm doomed to forever see everyone around me find happiness while I wallow in pain and misery then so be it.
"If I'm alone I cannot hate."
I won't hate you if you leave me all alone, Aaron. I won't hate you Tyler, if you decide that I'm not a good friend. Arjun, I won't hate you if you decide that it's best to give up on making my heart totally and completely yours. I can't hate anyone when I'm alone. Just like I can't hate anyone when I'm not.
"I don't deserve to have you."
I didn't deserve you, Tyler. I don't deserve you, Arjun. I will never deserve you, Aaron. I don't deserve the little bit of happiness I get in my life. I don't deserve to have amazing friends, I don't deserve an awesome family. What have I done to deserve anything?.
"My smile was taken long ago."
This is true, my smile was lost a very long time ago. It was lost that first time I was stabbed in the back by three girls who I thought were my friends. Who hurt me so bad that I was crying my heart out while at the same time having the desire to throw something. I was furious, I was hurt, I was sad and I don't think I've been the same since then.
"If I can change, I hope I never know."
If there's some chance that I can change all of this, don't tell me. If there's some chance that I could change all of this, don't let me know. Because, all this pain and suffering made me who I am today. It made me stronger, as much as I hate this pain, it made me be that rock that Ali relies on, it made me be the friend I am to all my friends. It made me better, stronger, different, wiser.
"I still press your letters to my lips."
I still re-read the letters I got from you Aaron, they still make my heart beat faster and make me smile. I still love every little thing you said, I still love that I was one of two people you called while you were in basic training. I love this feeling of being wanted....of being loved...and yet. I don't know that I'm wanted or loved by you. All I can do is hope.
"And cherish them in parts of me, that savour every kiss."
I cherish every memory, every touch, every glance that I received from Tyler. I still cherish every laugh, every hug, every joke. I still wish we could have worked things out. But even so, I don't feel pain when I hear about you and Liz. I just feel...uncaring. I'm glad your happy, but I could careless who your with, because I'm tired of protecting you, I'm tired of telling you that you deserve better, I'm tired of my advice being ignored.
"I couldn't face a life without your light."
I couldn't face a life without a lot of people. Like everyone I care about is a candle in a pitch-black room, and that room is my life, my heart, my soul. And each person I love has made a difference. Ryan, Tyler, Aaron, Arjun, Ali, Lee, Arthur, Oliver, Ashley, Victor, Karrie, Laice, everyone, every member of my family, every friend, every lover. Everyone has made a difference in someway. Even that guy at the chinese resturant who told me I had a cool shirt a couple of weeks ago, even he was a light in my life and I couldn't live without the lights in my life.
"But all of that was ripped apart, when you refused to fight."
Everything was ripped to shreds the moment one of my lights gave up on me, everything was ripped to shreds when one of those lights told me I was useless, everything was ripped to shreds when one of those lights told me they didn't care about me. Everything is either together or torn apart according to how these lights react to what I do. Like right now, Aaron will either make or break me. He'll either send me over the edge and stop fighting or he'll save me and continue to fight.
"So save your breath, I will not hear."
Save your breath, if all your going to do is apologize, save it. If all your going to do is ask me why I don't open up to people, why I don't trust people, save it. Because I do not care. I cannot care. I will not care.
"I think I've made it very clear."
I think Ive made it clear how much I care, I think he knows. I hope he does, I know Arjun knows. He knows that I don't totally belong to him, but he also knows that he's getting there, that he's slowly releasing the grasp Aaron has on my heart.
"You couldn't hate enough to love."
You couldn't hate the pain I feel enough to love, you couldn't hate the loneliness you feel enough to love, you couldn't...you can't....you won't.
"Is that supposed to be enough?"
Is everything you do suppose to be enough? Everytime you call me babe or baby, is that suppose to be enough? Every flirt, every tease. Aaron, is that supposed to be enough?.
"I only wish you weren't my friend."
Because then, I could at least walk away. But still, I'm glad your my friend, I need you as a friend no matter what. No matter how much it may hurt to know you don't love me back, I need you as a friend.
"That I could hurt you in the end."
A part of me wishes that it was possible to hurt you, to cuss you out like you asked me to. A part of me wishes I could hurt a lot of people, like Tyler. But I never will, because I never can and because I love you guys to much to hurt you.
"I never claimed to be a saint."
I never have, nor will I ever claim that. I'm not perfect. I've broken a friends heart, I've hurt people I care deeply for, I will never be a saint.
"My own was banished long ago,"
Until recently, when I'd decided to stop hiding behind a mask this was very, very true.
"It took the death of hope to let you go."
Right now, what it will take to let Aaron go, is the death of hope. He has to kill the hope I hold for us in order for me to let him go. It's the only way his grasp on my heart will no longer exist and I hate that.
"Go."
Go, run, leave. I won't hate you for running, for leaving. It'll hurt, but someday the pain will pass.
"So break yourself against my stones."
What this line means to me is this: When you feel guilty about something you did or didn't do to me, use that guilt to make me feel guilty about making you feel bad.
"And spit your pity in my soul."
I think Tyler pity's me for being more or less alone and unwanted, I think alot of people pity me. But I don't want pity.
"You never needed any help, you sold me out to save yourself."
This is more directed at the three ex-friends I mentioned earlier who betrayed me. They never needed me, they never cared, they just wanted to make me suffer.
"And I won't listen to your shame."
I don't want to listen to the shame and the guilt my friends feel when they aren't here for me, I want them to know that I'll always love them, even if they aren't here for me.
"You ran away-you're all the same."
I have several fair-weather friends and several ex-fair weather friends one of those people was Hope every time I needed someone she just backed off and ran away, a lot of people do that. A lot run away, and a lot are all the same.
"Angels lie to keep control."
I know a lot people who I consider to be angels in that, even though they aren't perfect they seem like it, rather it's because of their actions, their looks, their voice. And to some extent I agree, angels do lie to keep control. They say they care, when they don't.
"My love was punished long ago."
My love has been punished a many a times, sometimes long ago, sometimes more recently and yet...I still manage to love everyone, I still manage to forgive, I still manage to say 'I love you' and mean it.
"If you still care don't ever let me know."
After hope has died, if you still care don't ever let me know. After I've given up and moved on, if you still care don't ever let me know. If you ever cared at all before you killed the hope I hold, don't ever let me know. Don't ever tell me.
"If you still care don't ever let me know."
Just know that no matter what I will always care, I will always be aware of this and I will always love you and a part of me wants to know if you still care, while another part perfers to be left in the dark.
XOXO,
Dollface.
This part fits my relationship with everyone, because I want everyone to know that they can trust me. That they can relie on me and tell me all their secerts and that I'll be here for them no matter what. Like Tyler, he knows and that's why I can honestly say I know him better than his mother does, which is really, really sad.
"Come away with innocence."
I want my friends to feel better about themselves after they've told me their secerts, their dreams, their hopes and their fears. I want them to feel like themselves again.
"And leave me with sins."
I don't think people realize it, but for me when like no one seemed to notice that I wasn't totally myself, it made me feel like....everyone was leaving me with my problems....with my sins.
"The air around me still feels like a cage."
Even now, even though I'm better. I still feel like I'm trapped in a cage and everyone's outside of that cage and all my problems are being thrown at me from inside this cage and these problems, these fears, this pain. It's trying to break me, but I'm a little bit stronger now, I'm a little bit happier. Like last night I was laughing when me and my parents went out to dinner and then mom said something about how it was the first time I'd laughed in a couple of weeks and that's what told me how bad my depression was, that even though I knew I hadn't laughed my parents knew too. But it also told me I was getting better, because I laughed again.
"And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again."
Sometimes, love is just that. A camouflage, something to hide behind. And sometimes love does resemble rage. Like with Tyler, there are sometimes, even now. When I get so pissed at him that I just want to scream! and yet, I still love him. I still want him to be happy.
"So if you love me, let me go."
A part of me feels like, if everyone loved me they'd let me go while another part of me is begging to be held and I think I finally understand why I want to be let go. I think it's because that part of me has given up on being held, has finally decided that all I'm doing is hurting myself more by having this desire to be held.
"And run away before I know."
Run, just run. Aaron, if you love me, let me go. Woah, I didn't even realize that this part would go along with the part above. But apart of me, apart that's tired of being hurt wants him to just run away and forget about me. While another part wants to beg him to stay, beg him to love me.
"My heart is just to dark to care."
I kinda have to agree with that statement. My heart has been damanged so much, in so many ways, espcially when I was depressed that now I can hardly bring myself to care about anything. Like before, everything I felt was very vived. Fear, anger, happiness, love, pain, all of it. It all felt so vived before and now it's just dull, like a pastel painting or something.
"I can't destory what isn't there."
I can't destory the relationship me and Aaron have, because their isn't one. I want there to be one, but....there's not and i know that if there was one, I probably would destory it, because for some reason I always ruin what's good in my life. For some reason I can't be happy without wondering "When's this going to be taken from me? How long will this happiness last before it's ripped from my grasp?"
"Deliver me into my fate"
Tyler, Aaron. Show me my fate and leave me to it. If my fate is that I'm doomed to forever see everyone around me find happiness while I wallow in pain and misery then so be it.
"If I'm alone I cannot hate."
I won't hate you if you leave me all alone, Aaron. I won't hate you Tyler, if you decide that I'm not a good friend. Arjun, I won't hate you if you decide that it's best to give up on making my heart totally and completely yours. I can't hate anyone when I'm alone. Just like I can't hate anyone when I'm not.
"I don't deserve to have you."
I didn't deserve you, Tyler. I don't deserve you, Arjun. I will never deserve you, Aaron. I don't deserve the little bit of happiness I get in my life. I don't deserve to have amazing friends, I don't deserve an awesome family. What have I done to deserve anything?.
"My smile was taken long ago."
This is true, my smile was lost a very long time ago. It was lost that first time I was stabbed in the back by three girls who I thought were my friends. Who hurt me so bad that I was crying my heart out while at the same time having the desire to throw something. I was furious, I was hurt, I was sad and I don't think I've been the same since then.
"If I can change, I hope I never know."
If there's some chance that I can change all of this, don't tell me. If there's some chance that I could change all of this, don't let me know. Because, all this pain and suffering made me who I am today. It made me stronger, as much as I hate this pain, it made me be that rock that Ali relies on, it made me be the friend I am to all my friends. It made me better, stronger, different, wiser.
"I still press your letters to my lips."
I still re-read the letters I got from you Aaron, they still make my heart beat faster and make me smile. I still love every little thing you said, I still love that I was one of two people you called while you were in basic training. I love this feeling of being wanted....of being loved...and yet. I don't know that I'm wanted or loved by you. All I can do is hope.
"And cherish them in parts of me, that savour every kiss."
I cherish every memory, every touch, every glance that I received from Tyler. I still cherish every laugh, every hug, every joke. I still wish we could have worked things out. But even so, I don't feel pain when I hear about you and Liz. I just feel...uncaring. I'm glad your happy, but I could careless who your with, because I'm tired of protecting you, I'm tired of telling you that you deserve better, I'm tired of my advice being ignored.
"I couldn't face a life without your light."
I couldn't face a life without a lot of people. Like everyone I care about is a candle in a pitch-black room, and that room is my life, my heart, my soul. And each person I love has made a difference. Ryan, Tyler, Aaron, Arjun, Ali, Lee, Arthur, Oliver, Ashley, Victor, Karrie, Laice, everyone, every member of my family, every friend, every lover. Everyone has made a difference in someway. Even that guy at the chinese resturant who told me I had a cool shirt a couple of weeks ago, even he was a light in my life and I couldn't live without the lights in my life.
"But all of that was ripped apart, when you refused to fight."
Everything was ripped to shreds the moment one of my lights gave up on me, everything was ripped to shreds when one of those lights told me I was useless, everything was ripped to shreds when one of those lights told me they didn't care about me. Everything is either together or torn apart according to how these lights react to what I do. Like right now, Aaron will either make or break me. He'll either send me over the edge and stop fighting or he'll save me and continue to fight.
"So save your breath, I will not hear."
Save your breath, if all your going to do is apologize, save it. If all your going to do is ask me why I don't open up to people, why I don't trust people, save it. Because I do not care. I cannot care. I will not care.
"I think I've made it very clear."
I think Ive made it clear how much I care, I think he knows. I hope he does, I know Arjun knows. He knows that I don't totally belong to him, but he also knows that he's getting there, that he's slowly releasing the grasp Aaron has on my heart.
"You couldn't hate enough to love."
You couldn't hate the pain I feel enough to love, you couldn't hate the loneliness you feel enough to love, you couldn't...you can't....you won't.
"Is that supposed to be enough?"
Is everything you do suppose to be enough? Everytime you call me babe or baby, is that suppose to be enough? Every flirt, every tease. Aaron, is that supposed to be enough?.
"I only wish you weren't my friend."
Because then, I could at least walk away. But still, I'm glad your my friend, I need you as a friend no matter what. No matter how much it may hurt to know you don't love me back, I need you as a friend.
"That I could hurt you in the end."
A part of me wishes that it was possible to hurt you, to cuss you out like you asked me to. A part of me wishes I could hurt a lot of people, like Tyler. But I never will, because I never can and because I love you guys to much to hurt you.
"I never claimed to be a saint."
I never have, nor will I ever claim that. I'm not perfect. I've broken a friends heart, I've hurt people I care deeply for, I will never be a saint.
"My own was banished long ago,"
Until recently, when I'd decided to stop hiding behind a mask this was very, very true.
"It took the death of hope to let you go."
Right now, what it will take to let Aaron go, is the death of hope. He has to kill the hope I hold for us in order for me to let him go. It's the only way his grasp on my heart will no longer exist and I hate that.
"Go."
Go, run, leave. I won't hate you for running, for leaving. It'll hurt, but someday the pain will pass.
"So break yourself against my stones."
What this line means to me is this: When you feel guilty about something you did or didn't do to me, use that guilt to make me feel guilty about making you feel bad.
"And spit your pity in my soul."
I think Tyler pity's me for being more or less alone and unwanted, I think alot of people pity me. But I don't want pity.
"You never needed any help, you sold me out to save yourself."
This is more directed at the three ex-friends I mentioned earlier who betrayed me. They never needed me, they never cared, they just wanted to make me suffer.
"And I won't listen to your shame."
I don't want to listen to the shame and the guilt my friends feel when they aren't here for me, I want them to know that I'll always love them, even if they aren't here for me.
"You ran away-you're all the same."
I have several fair-weather friends and several ex-fair weather friends one of those people was Hope every time I needed someone she just backed off and ran away, a lot of people do that. A lot run away, and a lot are all the same.
"Angels lie to keep control."
I know a lot people who I consider to be angels in that, even though they aren't perfect they seem like it, rather it's because of their actions, their looks, their voice. And to some extent I agree, angels do lie to keep control. They say they care, when they don't.
"My love was punished long ago."
My love has been punished a many a times, sometimes long ago, sometimes more recently and yet...I still manage to love everyone, I still manage to forgive, I still manage to say 'I love you' and mean it.
"If you still care don't ever let me know."
After hope has died, if you still care don't ever let me know. After I've given up and moved on, if you still care don't ever let me know. If you ever cared at all before you killed the hope I hold, don't ever let me know. Don't ever tell me.
"If you still care don't ever let me know."
Just know that no matter what I will always care, I will always be aware of this and I will always love you and a part of me wants to know if you still care, while another part perfers to be left in the dark.
XOXO,
Dollface.
Tany + Ali + Me = BFFS
So, Lee(Tany).
Finally posted that blog that Ali was dying for her to post.
The one that shows the mature side of Lee.
A side I've seen a lot more in the past couple of weeks.
Like, after she read my 'emo' post.
She wanted to tell me that I was important to her and that she loved me and that I shouldn't feel that way because her and Ali were here for me.
And it made me feel a lot better, just because like.
Lee doesn't know me as well as Ali does.
And even though I know I'm one of two friends she has.
There's something about.....having her say it.
And having her say it the way she said it.
That made me happy.
And now like, to see that Ali is upset with Lee and to see that Lee feels bad about it.
Makes me sad.
Which is normal I guess.
But seriously.
It makes me feel weird when them two are fighting or when their upset with each other.
Because I'm like. "What do I do?" "Who's side should I be on?" "Who's right? Who's wrong?"
And I hate having to decide.
Because something about having to choose between two of your best friends just really, really sucks.
And like, I had to do that at camp.
Which it turns out was a good thing.
Victor and Laice are still together.
And they still look so happy and so cute together.
So, there's this blog post, I'm posting right after this.
And it's like really deep.
Because I was thinking about it last night.
Like how I feel about the different relationships I've been in.
And not just romantic relationships.
I mean like friendships, and stuff too.
See I was trying to fall asleep listening to slipknot last night when 'Snuff' came on.
And I got up and put it on repeat.
Beause I was trying to find the deeper meaning of the song.
Not just what the composer wanted you to know when he wrote it.
But what it means to me.
Like every song I really, really love.
Every song that I can honestly say is my most favortie song on an album.
Every song that I just start singing the moment it comes on.
Has a deeper meaning for me.
It has some kind of meaning that makes it special or important to me.
And I hadn't really found out what made this song so important yet.
Like a part of it would make me think of my relationship with Tyler, but even that didn't explain how important it is to me.
And then I started to think about Aaron and a couple of other people and suddenly I understood why I love the song so much.
Why every word means so much to me.
Why the song is one of very few that I could listen to when I was depressed.
So...I've decided to do a blog post to explain it all.
Anyways, I love you guys.
XOXO,
Dollface.
Finally posted that blog that Ali was dying for her to post.
The one that shows the mature side of Lee.
A side I've seen a lot more in the past couple of weeks.
Like, after she read my 'emo' post.
She wanted to tell me that I was important to her and that she loved me and that I shouldn't feel that way because her and Ali were here for me.
And it made me feel a lot better, just because like.
Lee doesn't know me as well as Ali does.
And even though I know I'm one of two friends she has.
There's something about.....having her say it.
And having her say it the way she said it.
That made me happy.
And now like, to see that Ali is upset with Lee and to see that Lee feels bad about it.
Makes me sad.
Which is normal I guess.
But seriously.
It makes me feel weird when them two are fighting or when their upset with each other.
Because I'm like. "What do I do?" "Who's side should I be on?" "Who's right? Who's wrong?"
And I hate having to decide.
Because something about having to choose between two of your best friends just really, really sucks.
And like, I had to do that at camp.
Which it turns out was a good thing.
Victor and Laice are still together.
And they still look so happy and so cute together.
So, there's this blog post, I'm posting right after this.
And it's like really deep.
Because I was thinking about it last night.
Like how I feel about the different relationships I've been in.
And not just romantic relationships.
I mean like friendships, and stuff too.
See I was trying to fall asleep listening to slipknot last night when 'Snuff' came on.
And I got up and put it on repeat.
Beause I was trying to find the deeper meaning of the song.
Not just what the composer wanted you to know when he wrote it.
But what it means to me.
Like every song I really, really love.
Every song that I can honestly say is my most favortie song on an album.
Every song that I just start singing the moment it comes on.
Has a deeper meaning for me.
It has some kind of meaning that makes it special or important to me.
And I hadn't really found out what made this song so important yet.
Like a part of it would make me think of my relationship with Tyler, but even that didn't explain how important it is to me.
And then I started to think about Aaron and a couple of other people and suddenly I understood why I love the song so much.
Why every word means so much to me.
Why the song is one of very few that I could listen to when I was depressed.
So...I've decided to do a blog post to explain it all.
Anyways, I love you guys.
XOXO,
Dollface.
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