"Goodbye, my hopeless dream"

Mom woke me up at 7 AM.
All I wanted to do was curl back up, because I was so warm under the covers.
But I knew I had to get out of bed.
I realized I had a headach as I made my way over to my CD player.
So I was automatically in a bad mood.
I hardly got any sleep last night even though I was dead tired.
Went to church.
Nearly fell asleep every time I blinked.
I ate a decent amount at lunch and then we went into San Antonio.
On the drive there I fell asleep for like ten or fifthteen.
Bass pro shop was pretty boring, which is odd."
I started feeling sick while we were there.
But I started feeling better after we left the store.
We drove over to the mall and did some looking around.
We made some plans to go christmas shopping in a little over a week.
Went to Spencers.
I got a Twilight poster and got Tyler's christmas gift.
And there was this one guy in there.
Who was really, really hott.
Like, Taylor hott.
He was native american too.
And he was probably 18 or 19.
And like we kept bumping into each other.
And this one time I was trying to get past him and he turned around and his hand accidently brushed against my ass.
And I think I giggled when he apologized for bumping into me and I was just like "It's okay."
I didn't get to talk to him though, cause dad was there.
So I'm hoping when we go back for christmas shopping that he'll be there.
But like I seriously needed that.
Because I kept seeing guys with pale skin and brown hair and most of them had girlfriends, so it just kept making me think of Aaron.
Which hurt.
And then I saw him and it was like BAM!
I felt better.
I think it's because he has an awesome smile.
And smiles are contagious.
Either way,
I really, really needed that.
So then we went to Sams club.
And I was okay until we went to check out.
We got the same guy that we've gotten like everytime we've gone in there for the past six months.
And I used to not mind seeing him.
But today, it was just like. "F*ck, go away."
Because he's a cross between my cousin Kenneth and Aaron.
But he looks a bit more like Aaron than Kenneth.
It never used to bother me.
And maybe in another two or three months, it won't bother me anymore.
But today, I didn't need that.
I needed to see new people.
People who smiled.
So I slept a little bit on the way home.
Now I'm sitting in bed.
Talking to my sick wife.
Listening to the playlist I put together last night with her help.
Just kinda....chilling out.
I know, I'll be okay.
I know that someday, this won't hurt.

But right now, I'm just kinda....
Not me.
Not happy.
Not pissed.
I'm just someone who's lost.
But I'll find my way again.
It won't be so hard.
I mean, it's not like this is a surprise.
I always knew the day would come.
I always knew my dreams of him were just that, dreams.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. The blog before this is a quote from Breaking Dawn, and the quote in the title of this blog is from the song "Almost Lover" - A fine frenzy.

"Life sucks and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky."

Sometimes.

Sometimes, it's easier to just be quiet and not say anything.
Sometimes, silence isn't something you choose.
Sometimes, you fall for someone.
Sometimes, that someone falls for you.
And sometimes, hearts get broken.

And you can never look back.
He didn't have to go into detail for me to know the truth.
He didn't have to try to let me down easy.
Sometimes, a person just knows when it's time to give up.
But sometimes, the only way to give up is to be broken.

My life can come crashing down,
as soon as you let me go.
My heart can fall apart,
as soon as you tear my world to shreds.
The day you say good-bye.
Will be the day that I die.

So yeah, I'm just sitting here.
Writting songs, to discribe how I'm feeling.
The words in pink happen to be taken from one of those songs.
I'm kinda....torn.
But when am I not?.
For now, I'll just sit here, listen to music and write.


Playlist:

1. Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
2. Inconsolable - The Backstreet Boys
3. Say Anything - Marianas Trench
4. Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata
5. The Hit Parade - Unkle Bob
6. Divine Intervention - Taking Back Sunday
7. Never Think - Rob Pattinson
8. Wake Up - Coheed and Cambria
9. When Did You Heart Go Missing - Rooney
10. Seven Days Of Lonely - I Nine



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. I just thought of a quote that seriously fits.

"Ever."

So, like we were walking out of homedepot.
And Tony was out in the parking lot and I pointed a finger at him and I was like.
"Have you gone to see Twilight yet?."
And he kinda smiled and was like "Heh Heh, no."
So I lowered my glasses and titled my head downwards so I giving him this look over the rim of my sunglasses and before I could say anything mom was like.
"Well, then. You never be cold, dead and sparkly. Ever."

It was totally hilarious, and the look on his face was a cross between being like "WTF" and laughing.
Anyways, I was laughing so hard and I told mom "That was a good one"
And she was like "Well, it sounded like something you'd say, so I said it before you could."
And that made me start laughing again, hell even dad was laughing.
Of course, he has seen Twilight.



XOXO,
Dollface.

I LOVE GERMAN GAY GUYS!

"[Alicia] says:
WRITE IN YOUR BLOG."

So yeah, my wife just told me to write in my blog.
So I'm writting in my blog.

Ready to laugh?


"ccscleader15:
So what would you like to do my dear?
karmasbadside:
I would like to shoot this one girl in her foot. And roleplay. But if I shoot the girl, I might go to jail, and we won't be able to roleplay. D:
ccscleader15:
Okay.
ccscleader15:
How about I shoot the girl in the foot and we roleplay while the cops try and fail to find me?
karmasbadside:
Haha, that works too.
ccscleader15:
*Shoots the girl in the foot* AND THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR ANNOYING/PISSING OFF ONE OF MY FRIENDS YOU ANNOYING LITTLE PAIN IN THE ASS
karmasbadside:
Woot! She is annoying too. ^_^
ccscleader15:
Muwhahahahaha. That's one less annoying foot in the world.
ccscleader15:
Tee Hee."


"Amy says:
Shall I just get you a "Team Edward" shirt?
Ty-bear says:
NO NO NO NO NO"

"Amy says:
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: but once, keshyr was trying to...change a lightbulb
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: but he was too short
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: so he got a chair
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and stood on it
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and he was still too short
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: so dominik was like laughing at him
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and he had like the new lightbulb in his hands
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: and he got so mad he THREW it at dominik XD
[14:22] x roxy BOXY: but it missed and like shattered against the wall
[14:23] x roxy BOXY: and then he was like "YOU get to clean it up since it was YOUR fault"
[14:23] x roxy BOXY: and dominiks like "WTF YOU ALMOST KILLED ME WITH IT"
[14:23] x roxy BOXY: and keshyrs like "I DONT CARE CLEAN IT UP" haha
Amy says:
That seriously made me LOL
[Alicia] says:
It's not that funny.
But amusing.
I think it'd be funnier if I actually saw something like that happen.
Actually, sounds like something me and Tan would do.
Hm.
Amy says:
Well, I can imagine it happening.
[Alicia] says:
I didn't know we were all gay.
Amy says:
I KNOW!
I WAS LIKE
"OMG THAT SOUNDS LIKE MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER"
[Alicia] says:
XD
Amy says:
And then you signed on
[Alicia] says:
Now see, this is a funny conversation.
Amy says:
and I was like "YAY"
[Alicia] says:
"I didn't know we were all gay." "I know! I was like 'That sounds like my wife and daughter!'
Sounds like a dog show moment.
You remember, right?When tan puked on that kid at the dog show and it was so random?
Dog show moment.
F*ck, I should urban dictionary that."


Everything that was posted above is taken from real live converstations that happened today.

And yeah.
I don't know what else to blog about.
Um...I'm feeling better now that I'm actually able to eat.
We might be going shopping tomorrow or sunday.
Tyler got me a christmas present so I have to get him one.
Mom's pissed because Walmart.com was being lame.
And that's all for now.




XOXO,
Dollface.

Can this day get any worse?

So, you know how on myspace they have that "Own Your Friends" app.
Well, this one girl kept buying Aaron from me but I just kept buying him back, anyways.
She bought me and I went to look at her "Own Your Friends" profile cause like you can see all the comments she posts and stuff.
And she's like talking about how Aaron's her boyfriend and stuff.
I don't know if it's true or not.
His myspace still says he's single but now I seriously feel like crying.
I have half the mind to put on "our" song.
But I know that'd just make me feel worse, even though that song is the kind of music I feel like listening to right now.
What if he is dating her?
What if he just hasn't felt like telling me even though we're really good friends?
What if he just hasn't felt like he has to change his status on myspace?
What if this entire time I thought he was just busy with work and that's why he wasn't talking to me wasn't actually the case? What if he just isn't talking to me because his girlfriend doesn't want him too?
I have half the mind to call him, to see what's going on.
But I'm not sure I could handle it.
I'm not sure I could sound happy for him if he is dating her.
I'm not sure I could keep the tears from falling.
I'm not sure I wouldn't just curl into a ball and stop talking the moment he confirmed that they were dating.
I'm not sure I could stand to hear the panic in his voice if he heard my ragged breathing on the line, if he heard me sobbing.
I'm seriously on the verge of tears.

I mean, I suppose I shouldn't feel this way.
It's not like he's interested in me romantically or anything.
But I did fall in love with him over the summer.
And I'm still totally and helplessly in love with him, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I've told him how I felt, including how I didn't want how I felt to mess up our friendship.
Because in the event he didn't feel the same way, I still wanted to be friends.
I thought I could handle it if he got a girlfriend.
I thought I could just sit back and smile like I did when Tyler told me he'd started dating Liz three weeks after me and him broke up.
I thought I'd be able to fake a smile and tell him how happy I was that he's happy, even though I know he can see through my lies.
But even though he'd be able to see through the lie, I honestly think he would have pretended to believe me just to make it easier on me.

Now I'm sick to my stomach, like how I was when I was worried about Aaron's safety because of the hurricane.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
But this time if I do it's not because I'm sick with a virus.
It's because I've probably just managed to permantly lose the only guy I've truly loved since me and Tyler broke up.

The only way this day could get any worse is if Aaron confirmed that him and this girl are going out, that would seriously make this day worse.
Perhaps him telling me he was never EVER interested in me romantically would make it worse too.
I'm just....
I'm just trying to ignore this pain I'm feeling.
I'll have to call him and ask about it sometime.
I'm just not sure when I'll be able to do that.



XOXO,
Dollface.

Twice.

So, I just read the comment Gowri posted complaining about how I didn't blog yesterday and I had to blog twice today.
Seriously, if I felt better I would laugh.
But I'm afraid I don't feel better, so I'm not laughing.
Anyways.
You got the second blog like you wanted, sweetie.


Gah, my head is like killing me.



XOXO,
Dollface.

P.S. Perhaps when I feel better I can make up for this crappy blog post. Lol.