I didn't know that I'd fallen in love with him until just a few minutes ago.
When he texted me and told me about what happened last night after we quit texting each other, about what happend at that party.
I'm joking with him about it, and pretending to think it's hilarious because on the inside it hurts.
I mean it really hurts.
Not as bad as when Aaron broke my heart.
This isn't a broken heart, it's a damaged heart.
Like someone threw a rock at it.
If it was anyone else, I think I'd actually be laughing my ass off about the entire thing.
I'd call them a pervert and mean it, I told him that, but I didn't mean it.
I'm picking on him and joking around because I'm on the verge of tears but I could never tell him that.
I think he's a little irrated with me and I don't know why.
I think it's because he's not used to being picked on, even though I'm most definitely kidding.
This is not what I expected.
I knew I liked him.
Knew that the other night when his name popped up on the screen of my phone that I felt all warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Knew that last night when he said that he'd wait until I was 18 to go out with me and I said that he didn't have too and he responded with "maybe I want too" that I had butterflies in my stomach.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I'm perfectly content to wait on Brian and yet....Derrick's tempting.
And I've appearently fallen for him.
But it's not a lust thing like with Travis, I look back now and realize that when I dated Travis it had to do with lust, not love.
With Derrick, I really do like him.
Grr, what the fuck am I getting myself into?
XOXO,
Dollface
Friday, October 23, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The one thing that'll never change between us.
Is how open we are with each other.
I don't think it's really possible for me to keep things from you anymore, Ali.
You are my best friend and I love you to death.
Thanks for the advice and right now i'm just going to try to move forward and try not to make any major decisions, however as soon as I have another job I will quit McDonalds.
Because with the way things are going right now I can't get a manager position and since that's all I want and I can't have it and since there's just so much crap out there and everything i think I'm better off leaving.
I'll post more later I think.
I'mma sign on AIM again soon, I want to talk to you.
I want to knit and I want to pow and I want things to just be how they used to be, before we both got slammed with so much pain and misery.
I don't think it's really possible for me to keep things from you anymore, Ali.
You are my best friend and I love you to death.
Thanks for the advice and right now i'm just going to try to move forward and try not to make any major decisions, however as soon as I have another job I will quit McDonalds.
Because with the way things are going right now I can't get a manager position and since that's all I want and I can't have it and since there's just so much crap out there and everything i think I'm better off leaving.
I'll post more later I think.
I'mma sign on AIM again soon, I want to talk to you.
I want to knit and I want to pow and I want things to just be how they used to be, before we both got slammed with so much pain and misery.
Friday, September 4, 2009
I haven't been here in so long...
And I think that's because I kinda considered this blog to be apart of my past that I'm trying to get over.
And I just thought it'd be easier if I wasn't here anymore.
But....I still need this.
I'm blogging here today, because what I have to say I want Ali to hear and no one else.
I kinda feel like this is a special place for just me and her now.
A place where I can let all these emotions loose and I know she won't judge because she's such an amazing friend.
There's so much to say and very little time.
I've fallen all over again.
Fallen head over heels and I told him.
I literally told him this time.
I wanted to make sure that if my heart was broken this time, that it was on purpose.
Because I know it'll take the death of hope to let him go.
But he won't do it.
He's tearing me up on the inside because he can't do it.
He can't tell me what he's feeling, what he's thinking.
He can't smash my heart into a million pieces either.
He's just cruel enough that I can almost feel my heart falling apart.
But just mysterious enough that I still have hope that he loves me too.
Half of me feels like it's a mistake dating Travis, especially since I love Aaron so incredibly much.
But the thing is....I could be happy with Travis.
If I just tried, if I just pushed this pain back and forced a smile onto my face than given a little bit of time I could honestly be happy with Travis and soon it wouldn't be a lie anymore.
But it's not really a lie now.
I am happy with Travis, but there's a lot of pain mixed in with this happiness.
I'm still going to go see Aaron sometime within the next few months.
I want to see him once.
I want to look him in the eyes and ask him to be honest with me.
And if he looks away when he answers, then I'll know the truth.
I actually kinda hate myself.
Because....I can't understand why I can't just be happy with the way life is.
I still miss Brian alot.
I want to talk to him so bad.
I want to tell him that I still love him.
But that we need to stay friends for now, because I don't want to lose him either.
But I love him in a slightly different way than I love Aaron.
I'm leaving out so many details in this post and I didn't realize it until now.
Like yesterday, as I texted with Aaron, being completely honest with him I started to read the first letter he'd ever wrote to me.
And the tears came before I made it half-way through.
It hurt so bad, because apart of me thinks he's lied to me about everything.
And I can't stand myself for thinking that because he's my best guy friend and I just wish....wish he could see...could understand how I'm feeling and that he'd just be honest with me.
XOXO,
Dollface.
P.S. I miss you wifey.
And I just thought it'd be easier if I wasn't here anymore.
But....I still need this.
I'm blogging here today, because what I have to say I want Ali to hear and no one else.
I kinda feel like this is a special place for just me and her now.
A place where I can let all these emotions loose and I know she won't judge because she's such an amazing friend.
There's so much to say and very little time.
I've fallen all over again.
Fallen head over heels and I told him.
I literally told him this time.
I wanted to make sure that if my heart was broken this time, that it was on purpose.
Because I know it'll take the death of hope to let him go.
But he won't do it.
He's tearing me up on the inside because he can't do it.
He can't tell me what he's feeling, what he's thinking.
He can't smash my heart into a million pieces either.
He's just cruel enough that I can almost feel my heart falling apart.
But just mysterious enough that I still have hope that he loves me too.
Half of me feels like it's a mistake dating Travis, especially since I love Aaron so incredibly much.
But the thing is....I could be happy with Travis.
If I just tried, if I just pushed this pain back and forced a smile onto my face than given a little bit of time I could honestly be happy with Travis and soon it wouldn't be a lie anymore.
But it's not really a lie now.
I am happy with Travis, but there's a lot of pain mixed in with this happiness.
I'm still going to go see Aaron sometime within the next few months.
I want to see him once.
I want to look him in the eyes and ask him to be honest with me.
And if he looks away when he answers, then I'll know the truth.
I actually kinda hate myself.
Because....I can't understand why I can't just be happy with the way life is.
I still miss Brian alot.
I want to talk to him so bad.
I want to tell him that I still love him.
But that we need to stay friends for now, because I don't want to lose him either.
But I love him in a slightly different way than I love Aaron.
I'm leaving out so many details in this post and I didn't realize it until now.
Like yesterday, as I texted with Aaron, being completely honest with him I started to read the first letter he'd ever wrote to me.
And the tears came before I made it half-way through.
It hurt so bad, because apart of me thinks he's lied to me about everything.
And I can't stand myself for thinking that because he's my best guy friend and I just wish....wish he could see...could understand how I'm feeling and that he'd just be honest with me.
XOXO,
Dollface.
P.S. I miss you wifey.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Haha
Haven't been on here in so long.
Tis strange to be back.
But I'm determined to do lots of blogging on here.
Have been really busy lately, haven't been online much.
Going to camp tomorrow.
Should be fun.
Need to finish packing.
And finish cleaning my room.
And finish the laundry
Oh and then take a shower.
Currently talking to my wifey, I've missed her very much.
OH!
I have a surprise for ya'll.
I GOT GLASSES!.
XOXO,
Dollface
Tis strange to be back.
But I'm determined to do lots of blogging on here.
Have been really busy lately, haven't been online much.
Going to camp tomorrow.
Should be fun.
Need to finish packing.
And finish cleaning my room.
And finish the laundry
Oh and then take a shower.
Currently talking to my wifey, I've missed her very much.
OH!
I have a surprise for ya'll.
I GOT GLASSES!.
XOXO,
Dollface
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Say Say Say
Listening to the Michael Jackson tribute playlist on playlist.com
Title is taken from the song "Say Say Say"
Basically ready to go.
Already have a pic of my outfit.
Just need a close up of the shoes.
Currently toying with idea of getting on Tumblr for a few.
I look really girly.
And strangely enough I like it.
XOXO,
Dollface.
Title is taken from the song "Say Say Say"
Basically ready to go.
Already have a pic of my outfit.
Just need a close up of the shoes.
Currently toying with idea of getting on Tumblr for a few.
I look really girly.
And strangely enough I like it.
XOXO,
Dollface.
Monday, June 22, 2009
More later.
Thought about it.
And yeah, I'm still upset.
Yesterday was the first sunday with out Crystal there.
I spent most of the church service crying.
There were some laughs though.
The service was more laid back and for the most part it was just a time for everyone to just be.
To just...try and support each other I suppose.
But I did, I cried.
I wished I could have had someone to hold onto.
But then, even if someone had been there.
I'm not sure I would have.
Because I'm not used to having someone to hold on to.
But I know I'll be okay.
I just don't know how long it'll take.
I just know that it'll definitely take a while.
I hope I'm more or less back to normal by the time Brian gets here.
I'd hate to be just....all emotional while he's here.
Though if he's here during the one year anniversy of her death then I'm sure he'll be here for at least one night of tears.
And....I guess I'll blog more later.
Like when my mind is more willing to attempt this.
XOXO,
Dollface.
And yeah, I'm still upset.
Yesterday was the first sunday with out Crystal there.
I spent most of the church service crying.
There were some laughs though.
The service was more laid back and for the most part it was just a time for everyone to just be.
To just...try and support each other I suppose.
But I did, I cried.
I wished I could have had someone to hold onto.
But then, even if someone had been there.
I'm not sure I would have.
Because I'm not used to having someone to hold on to.
But I know I'll be okay.
I just don't know how long it'll take.
I just know that it'll definitely take a while.
I hope I'm more or less back to normal by the time Brian gets here.
I'd hate to be just....all emotional while he's here.
Though if he's here during the one year anniversy of her death then I'm sure he'll be here for at least one night of tears.
And....I guess I'll blog more later.
Like when my mind is more willing to attempt this.
XOXO,
Dollface.
CHECK IT OUT BITCH!
www.cherry-waves.tumblr.com
This dude got me hooked on some really amazing music.
To find out which songs check out mine:
www.ily2.tumblr.com
To listen to those songs check out his.
Anyways.
Missing Brian like crazy.
He left for California today.
I haven't spoken with him since Saturday.
It really sucks.
Um...yeah.
Really enjoying this music he got me hooked on.
It's awesome.
Annnnnd yeah.
I'll blog more soon, I think.
XOXO,
Dollface
This dude got me hooked on some really amazing music.
To find out which songs check out mine:
www.ily2.tumblr.com
To listen to those songs check out his.
Anyways.
Missing Brian like crazy.
He left for California today.
I haven't spoken with him since Saturday.
It really sucks.
Um...yeah.
Really enjoying this music he got me hooked on.
It's awesome.
Annnnnd yeah.
I'll blog more soon, I think.
XOXO,
Dollface
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
A profound realization.
While in the Prayer Service today.
I didn't cry as much as I thought I would.
Though I did cry.
On the way home I came to a profound realization.
I believe I didn't cry as much as I thought I would due to me trying to be everyone elses shoulder to cry on.
I realized that everyone else was comforting each other and not me because I'm used to dealing with pain alone and they aren't.
And so they need the comfort more than I do.
Even as I sat there crying.
Ashley on one side crying.
And Karrie on the other.
Not once did either reach out to comfort me. Only once when I'd rubbed Ashley on the back and she hugged me did Karrie then proceed to hug us and try to help.
I think....I think I'm just a loner.
Because though I cry in public very rarely.
When I do, no one is brave enough to approach me.
And so I am forced to deal with it alone.
So here I sit.
Realizing that I'm alone.
Though there are people here for me.
Like my family.
My friends are too far away to be of any help.
And some wouldn't know what to do anyways.
I am not angry that people do not try to comfort me.
It's just the way things are.
I'm the rock.
I'm the one everyone leans on.
No one ever expects that I'll need to lean on them and so....when it happens.
They don't comfort me, because they either don't know what to do or they assume I have it covered.
I don't know what it is.
Or why I just realized it on the way home.
But either way.
It's the truth.
And the two people who I wish could be here are stuck in the military doing training.
And guess what? I have no idea how I'm going to survive the summer.
Brian just informed me that in about a week he has to go off the grid for a month (I.E. no phone, no internet for a month which eaquls no contact.)
Well...maybe we can snail mail each other...I'll have to ask about that one.
XOXO,
Dollface.
I didn't cry as much as I thought I would.
Though I did cry.
On the way home I came to a profound realization.
I believe I didn't cry as much as I thought I would due to me trying to be everyone elses shoulder to cry on.
I realized that everyone else was comforting each other and not me because I'm used to dealing with pain alone and they aren't.
And so they need the comfort more than I do.
Even as I sat there crying.
Ashley on one side crying.
And Karrie on the other.
Not once did either reach out to comfort me. Only once when I'd rubbed Ashley on the back and she hugged me did Karrie then proceed to hug us and try to help.
I think....I think I'm just a loner.
Because though I cry in public very rarely.
When I do, no one is brave enough to approach me.
And so I am forced to deal with it alone.
So here I sit.
Realizing that I'm alone.
Though there are people here for me.
Like my family.
My friends are too far away to be of any help.
And some wouldn't know what to do anyways.
I am not angry that people do not try to comfort me.
It's just the way things are.
I'm the rock.
I'm the one everyone leans on.
No one ever expects that I'll need to lean on them and so....when it happens.
They don't comfort me, because they either don't know what to do or they assume I have it covered.
I don't know what it is.
Or why I just realized it on the way home.
But either way.
It's the truth.
And the two people who I wish could be here are stuck in the military doing training.
And guess what? I have no idea how I'm going to survive the summer.
Brian just informed me that in about a week he has to go off the grid for a month (I.E. no phone, no internet for a month which eaquls no contact.)
Well...maybe we can snail mail each other...I'll have to ask about that one.
XOXO,
Dollface.
SEVEN?! WTF!?
Seven posts....
All I have is seven posts for this month.
Wtf is wrong with me?
Oh, I got a tumblr.
http://ily2.tumblr.com
-Dollface
All I have is seven posts for this month.
Wtf is wrong with me?
Oh, I got a tumblr.
http://ily2.tumblr.com
-Dollface
Hey, I listen to suggustions.
Was shifting through Ali's blog.
Catching up on the things I missed.
Still have some more reading to do.
But one song on her new playlist caught my attention so I looked it up.
It's pretty good.
"Not Listening" - Sick Of Sarah.
I actually really like it.
And I haven't even finished listening to it the first time.
Yes....I think I'll be okay.
But it's going to take time.
And right now.
I'm not okay.
Kinda like that MCR song?
"I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not oh-f*cking-kay.
Trust me."
XOXO,
Dollface
Catching up on the things I missed.
Still have some more reading to do.
But one song on her new playlist caught my attention so I looked it up.
It's pretty good.
"Not Listening" - Sick Of Sarah.
I actually really like it.
And I haven't even finished listening to it the first time.
Yes....I think I'll be okay.
But it's going to take time.
And right now.
I'm not okay.
Kinda like that MCR song?
"I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not oh-f*cking-kay.
Trust me."
XOXO,
Dollface
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Fuck.
I just....I can't.
I can't.
I can't think.
I can't breath.
I know that if I try to eat I'll just puke it up.
I'm not even hungry.
My head is pounding.
I could just break something.
I'm angry and I'm upset and I just...I just wish things were different.
Do you know I didn't even get to hug her on sunday?
Because I didn't want to interupt what she was doing long enough to get a hug.
I didn't go to youth group last wednesday.
The last wednesday she'd ever be with us.
I'm...I'm....fuck.
I just....I can't.
I can't do this.
I can't.
I can't think.
I can't breath.
I know that if I try to eat I'll just puke it up.
I'm not even hungry.
My head is pounding.
I could just break something.
I'm angry and I'm upset and I just...I just wish things were different.
Do you know I didn't even get to hug her on sunday?
Because I didn't want to interupt what she was doing long enough to get a hug.
I didn't go to youth group last wednesday.
The last wednesday she'd ever be with us.
I'm...I'm....fuck.
I just....I can't.
I can't do this.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Blank.
My mind feels so blank most of the time.
Like at first it isn't.
At first it's kinda blank but at the same time it's spinning with thoughts and ideas.
But then it spins faster and faster and I have a hard time getting a grip on things so then it feels blank though it isn't.
And then my head starts hurting.
And then my head is blank from pain.
But I still feel like there's things spinning in my mind.
Probably won't take a shower tonight.
The ghosts are driving me crazy.
Been texting since like 1:30 this afternoon.
I've probably sent like 300 texts since then.
Working 2-close tomorrow.
If our softball team wins the first game then we may try to catch thier second game at midnight.
Sucks I have to work 7-4 on Saturday.
(Yeah, they keep changing my damned sche)
Annnnd yeah.
New kid at work.
Friends with my cousins Dustin and Jessica.
Has been texting me.
He's like six months younger than me.
I was sorta interested until I heard that.
I really, really don't want to date someone younger than me again.
Sooo yeah.
Missing Brian like crazy.
Missing Aaron too.
I loves them both very much.
Just in different ways.
XOXO,
Dollface.
Like at first it isn't.
At first it's kinda blank but at the same time it's spinning with thoughts and ideas.
But then it spins faster and faster and I have a hard time getting a grip on things so then it feels blank though it isn't.
And then my head starts hurting.
And then my head is blank from pain.
But I still feel like there's things spinning in my mind.
Probably won't take a shower tonight.
The ghosts are driving me crazy.
Been texting since like 1:30 this afternoon.
I've probably sent like 300 texts since then.
Working 2-close tomorrow.
If our softball team wins the first game then we may try to catch thier second game at midnight.
Sucks I have to work 7-4 on Saturday.
(Yeah, they keep changing my damned sche)
Annnnd yeah.
New kid at work.
Friends with my cousins Dustin and Jessica.
Has been texting me.
He's like six months younger than me.
I was sorta interested until I heard that.
I really, really don't want to date someone younger than me again.
Sooo yeah.
Missing Brian like crazy.
Missing Aaron too.
I loves them both very much.
Just in different ways.
XOXO,
Dollface.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Current sche
Monday: 5-2
Tuesday: Off
Wednesday: Off; Might be going to see a movie and going to church.
Thursday: 5-2
Friday: 2-close
Saturday: 8-6
Sunday: Off; going to church, Maybe to san antonio.
XOXO,
Dollface
Tuesday: Off
Wednesday: Off; Might be going to see a movie and going to church.
Thursday: 5-2
Friday: 2-close
Saturday: 8-6
Sunday: Off; going to church, Maybe to san antonio.
XOXO,
Dollface
Friday, June 5, 2009
Sche.
Saturday, June 6th: 2- close.
Sunday: Off. Have church as usual.
Monday: Possibly off.
Tuesday: Off, might get to hang out with Aaron. (San Antonio Aaron, not Army Boy Aaron)
Wednesday: Off.
Thrusday: Possibly off.
Friday: 2-close
Saturday: 8-6
Will update this as soon as I know more.
XOXO,
Dollface
Sunday: Off. Have church as usual.
Monday: Possibly off.
Tuesday: Off, might get to hang out with Aaron. (San Antonio Aaron, not Army Boy Aaron)
Wednesday: Off.
Thrusday: Possibly off.
Friday: 2-close
Saturday: 8-6
Will update this as soon as I know more.
XOXO,
Dollface
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Not even going to bother attempting to come up with a witty title.
I can't do this.
I can't think.
I can't...I just can't.
I understand why Ali doesn't want to talk about this.
I can't blame her.
But right after I heard and I was heading home all I could think of was "Ali, Brian, Ali, Brian, Ali, Brian. Just one of them, please."
I need this.
But I can't, I can't ask her to deal with this.
I'm about to cry.
Not gonna lie.
Just.....shit.
XOXO,
Dollface.
I can't think.
I can't...I just can't.
I understand why Ali doesn't want to talk about this.
I can't blame her.
But right after I heard and I was heading home all I could think of was "Ali, Brian, Ali, Brian, Ali, Brian. Just one of them, please."
I need this.
But I can't, I can't ask her to deal with this.
I'm about to cry.
Not gonna lie.
Just.....shit.
XOXO,
Dollface.
Monday, June 1, 2009
HA! HA!
Oh hey, look.
It's June 1st.
Okay, technacially June 2nd because it's 12:20 AM.
But Whatever.
It's june 1st on the west coast.
Sooooo HA!
XOXO,
Dollface.
It's June 1st.
Okay, technacially June 2nd because it's 12:20 AM.
But Whatever.
It's june 1st on the west coast.
Sooooo HA!
XOXO,
Dollface.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
*gasp*
NO MORE BLOGGERZ FOR DA WIFEY.
CAN YOUSA BELIEVEZ THAT?.
Haha, yeah.
I've been feeling gangsta-ish all day.
And appearently Ali is discontinuing her blog until further notice.
Hmmm......I wonder why.
But I won't push the subject.
It's her choice.
Not mine.
XOXO,
Dollface.
CAN YOUSA BELIEVEZ THAT?.
Haha, yeah.
I've been feeling gangsta-ish all day.
And appearently Ali is discontinuing her blog until further notice.
Hmmm......I wonder why.
But I won't push the subject.
It's her choice.
Not mine.
XOXO,
Dollface.
NEW MOON TRAILAR COMING OUT TONIGHT!
Also;
"HOLY FLANNEL SHIRT" - Mom's new favorite saying.
So yeah, I'm watching the MTV movie awards.
It rocks.
XOXO,
Dollface
"HOLY FLANNEL SHIRT" - Mom's new favorite saying.
So yeah, I'm watching the MTV movie awards.
It rocks.
XOXO,
Dollface
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Tickets.
Hey, I just noticed that the Blink-182 concert tickets are now on sell.
I bet my wifey is very, very happy about that.
XOXO,
Dollface.
I bet my wifey is very, very happy about that.
XOXO,
Dollface.
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